a retrun..and a new lease on life.

Well, not sure who will read this or remember me.  But I'm gonna post an update on my life.

Well, I'm 26 now... and in a stable relationship.  Finally lol.  The one post where I talked about the guy needing me as much as I needed him...well it was two years of on and off and it took me that long to realize it was an emotionally abusive relationship and I deserved better.  I met a guy who pushes me to be my best every day and always supports me, tells me I'm beautiful even when I don't feel like I am.  It will be a year in June we've been together.  The best year of my life.


My family is doing better.  My dad has had some major health problems, is no longer drinking and the medications are working and it's been a while since he's felt as good as he is.  His relationship with my sister is better too.  She had a good thing going with a new guy but they recently ended it, and she's taking to her baby daddy again.  I'm hoping against hope she'll somehow end up with the other one but I don't think that will work out.  Regardless she's smarter about the situation now at least.  She had a rough time when they originally broke up, but she knows she can be happy without him.  That's the biggest lesson you learn I think, that eventually things do work out the way they should.

Well the biggest change, the whole reason this blog was created, my ED.  It lingers I'm the background rearing its ugly head occasionally.  I've gained weight and with the help of family and friends am slowly accepting myself for who I am.  Right now I am in the processof losing 10 pounds in a healthy way, I just don't fit in my clothes at 130 pounds and I'm happier around 120.

I ended up working at McDonald's for almost 2 years while working at dental office too, I just recently quit the office (McDonald's I quit in October) and tomorrow I start a new job at a bank as a teller.  I'm really excited for this change. I really needed it.

Well that's it.  I'm thinking of some name changes for my blog, any ideas?

Well...after that last post I do feel better, and I want to thank those of you who commented for helping me out.  It means a lot...especially since I know Im an awful blogger myself when it comes to commenting on your blogs.  I do read them, just more often then not Im on my phone and its difficult to really do anything on there.  So thank you for sticking with me :)

Had to send my boy back to his base :(  I miss him sooooo much, when I got home from the airport all I did was cry, and he left some shirts here by accident, everytime I looked at them the next day I would just burst into tears, sometimes I still feel like it, but its getting easier.  I hate when I have to leave him and I wish we were closer.  Hes so hot and cold with stuff though, like hes always the one that brings up getting married...at one point while he was here he was like lets go to the court house tmw and do it.  Then a few days later hes talking about how I have this big tank for my snake, but I want to get something else for him more suitable for a reptile and easier to take care of, and he was like I can use that for my fish and blah blah...but then in the same sentence he was like ugh idk, im not ready to get married.  I didnt say anything, cause i knew the next time he would be all about getting married again.  We wont even be getting married for like 5,6,7 months....its just annoying.  Like dont even bring it up if your not ready...I can take it or leave it for now as long as Im with him.

I wont even get into talking about food; I was doing pretty good until today...but tomorrows another day.

Hope your all doing great!

Once a screw up always a screw up

Warning.  This is a mindless rant.


I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate that I can't do anything right at all regardless of whether its family, friends, work, a relationship, anything.  I fuck everything up every single fucking time.  I'm a at fucking worthless pig and I don't deserve to even be sitting on this floor writing this post that I doubt anyone is going to read cause I'm just that unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  I should just end it all.  Everyone would be so much happier that way.  One less idiot to worry about.

Trouble trouble trouble

Its been a while.  A long while.  I havent forgotten about you ladies.  I've just been in a world of chaos.  Trying to get better and now down to 106 lbs...I eat maybe once a day if im lucky and when I do I cant finish a meal.  I don't even know how it all started, I was doing pretty good.  Well...I know stress and anxiety is what started it all...then I just fell back into things. 

I guess I should update you all a bit.  Im somewhat engaged.  Things have hit a rough spot and we're working on them, but any plans we may have had I've put on hold.  Its weird, he's hurt me emotionally, but he needs me as much as I need him...its not his fault so I stay.  He always makes up for it, I just hope now that things are hopefully fixed, they stay that way.  Got fired from my dental job with the asshole I was working for, best thing that happened to me except losing the income.  The other day I got a call from an office looking to set up an interview however.   She was supposed to call me back then never did...Im sick so I actually slept a lot longer then I intended to today and never got to call her back, so tomorrow thats a must.  I miss having a full time job and a decent pay check.   I cant really complain...my old boss took me back and I get like 16 hours a week, do some morning babysitting for her son...but getting paid at the end of the month doesnt pay bills or for gas.  And the 16 hours a week went out the window with Hurricane Sandy...I'm just glad the store is finally coming together again and we'll all be back to work.

Anyone remember L...the guy who broke my heart...well he came back, then disappered, then I found out about all the lies he was telling me and I dont feel so broken hearted over it all anymore.  I wish I could just find happiness...maybe its not in the books for me, maybe me and my guy will get over all our issues and we'll both be happy....I know he's the one I want to be with...I hope things are ok now.

Well hopefully the trouble trouble trouble title was enough to say that this wouldnt be an entirely happy post lol.....hope your all doing great and I'll try to not disapper again.  xoxo

Well I'm a god awful blogger now aren't I. So much has happened. I'm actually back with L, he asked me to marry him, but it's not my proposal...cause he's deployed. But he wanted to ask anyway I guess lol. I gained like 3 lbs, be easy to lose if I didn't have people watching me all the time :( but I'll find a way. Once fall comes it won't be as noticeable cause I won't be wearing shorts and summer clothes. But more serious news. I have to see a cardiologist. I read the referall and it's for an ECG for tachycardia. I know that's all my fault pretty much, but can't really do anything about that now. I need to find a low cal lunch I can eat every day, and easy to make, I never make it the night before and no time in the morning to really make anything. But if I don't eat at lunch I binge at night. I already don't eat in the morning. I can do this. I can get back on track. I will do it.

Life Advice Needed

Ok.  So back in March I changed my address to my aunts, applied to a school for pre-nursing, just found out all my info is in, and just awaiting the total for my finacial aid award.  All sounds great doesn't it.  I'm debating if it's what I really want to do.  All through school last year, my plan was to work this year and save save save, (unfortunatly life got in the way there, I am getting back on track) and move to VA Beach which would have been in the fall.  I have almost everything I need except the finances at this point, and well I'm not job searching.  My conflict is...do I go to PA and go to school for 2 years then move down, with a major I possibly am not going to want...and well risk not having a major if I choose nursing isn't for me.  Or do I stay in Jersey and work another year and keep saving (im also reading this finance book, and budgeting stuff so I can maximize my saving and minimize my spending while getting everything paid and building credit), and then start looking into moving to VA where I could establish residency and if I so choose go to school...theres a school there which has Dental Hygiene, Exercsie Science (which was my other choice), and Nursing.  So if I go to PA, I could always transfer my credits there as well...but I believe I would be in PA for more then 2 years.   This seems like such a trivial problem, but I really don't want to waste my time or money on something that I'm unsure of.  The only thing that I am sure of is I want to move to Virginia Beach.

I wish I had something productive to say.  I don't. I haven't been doing anything...at all.  Trying to maintain my eating, missing that asshole who broke my heart.  Why is it so damn hard to get over him??  I hate being told I'm pretty and can "get any guy I want"  There's only one guy I want.  He doesn't want me, and well it doesn't seem like anyone else does either.  Well, why would anyone want to be with me anyway.  Ugh, I just can't shake this mood at all.