Such is Life

SO I apologize for disappearing!  There really hasnt been much going on.  Actually talked to L.  Got my answers, not getting back together and well....I feel fine about it.  I guess I really just needed that closure.  So, after 2 rejections so close to each other...I slept with my airforce guy (kinda worried about that...) and he bought me dinner on Saturday.  That was nice.  Met this guy I've dubbed the liquor store hottie.  Tall, dark, handsome, and according to my dad- crazy partier.  Let me tell you...I could fall for that haha.  Last time I saw him he did his usual teasing, stealing my ID, whic he doesn't need, he knows how old I am...and well not giving it back, he just looks at it.  And then he goes so you know your a very pretty girl...I was doing a happy dance in my head let me tell you.  I would be excited even if I only got to sleep with him, I dunno get the feeling it would be a good time. 

So thats the extent of my life.  Summers coming up, pretty much been maitaining my weight which is ok.  Been tanning, so I know I look good.  I'm ready for this summer with my best friend, and all the hot guys we can get....if I get my liquor store hottie though I'll be ecstatic.

Hope your all doing great!  And thanks to you guys who commented on my last post, I sure did need those :)

Well...what an end to an already sucky day. That guy I liked.  Well he had been talking to some other girl behind my back...all while having no problem sending me pics of himself, getting ones of me...skyping...and not regular skyping.  Making plans to come down here...and not just go out to dinner and see a movie.  Like really, we were having sex and he's trying to form a relationship with someone else?!?  He said they had been dating for 2 weeks now.  Well let me tell you, he's obviously already cheated on her then.  I'm livid.  I hate being lied to...I'm not even mad that he's with someone else.  I'm mad that he told me he didn't want a relationship then used me while he was talking to her, because it long distance and he cant get any from her I guess.

Apathy

I just dont care anymore.  About anything.  Its the only way to get through this, through my life.  Wanting hurts.  I want to be thin, I want to be wanted and loved.  I want to be beautiful...not sexy or hot.  Yea sure those are nice when the time is right.  But I want to be called beautiful, its an entirely different connation.  But I guess I'm not.  I guess I'm only good for one thing.  So I just don't care anymore.  I'll go through the steps of my life, but I'm done giving a shit.  I'm done trying to get better, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want.  And if that means I'm not going to eat then they can fucking deal with it.  It's my life, and they never took any interest in it before even when I was being obvious about it praying someone would say something.  It took me saying it only to stop a fight and I wasnt even a part of.  And even now no one really cares.  So why the hell should I?   Theres only one thing...person I cant stop caring about, but hes the one I need to forget the most.  He's obviously forgotten me.

So I went to the Dr yesterday, had to weigh myself...116 lbs.  Ugh I hate that number SO much.  And I had to eat today...I really need to figure something out, I need to drop those 6 lbs.  Anyway I wont even bother posting what I ate today and depress myself even more then I already am at the moment.  Cleaned my room today, thats a plus, I cant believe its so clean right now...I really have to keep it like this from now on.  I also went out and bought a Ball Python on a whim.  Gotta get him a few more things, but I cleaned and disinfected the old tank I have and now hes all settled in.  For just eating today he is really active, but I think its just him being in a new area, and its night so hes going to be.  I named him Niko...if I can get my camera to work I'll post some pics of him later. 

I miss L so fucking much its not even funny.  Am I ever going to get over him?  Even though I really like this new guy...K.  When Im with or talking to K I dont think about L...but I do every other time...stupid songs remind me of him and just...everything.  I hate that hes everywhere and not even here.  I still hold my breath when I check my email, just hoping that I do and dont have something from him.  I have old pics on my phone of him...and a screen shot where when i had it set so i could see a preview of the text...and all he said was I love you.  So I kept it...i look at that a lot, cause i love him still so much it hurts.  That new Carrie Underwood song, Good Girl, yea the part where she says forever dont mean much.  So true.  He said forever to me, and look where I am now.  Missing him.  I hate that I dont even know if hes deploying in August or not, Im gonna be such a wreck then.  Well does me no good thinking about it now does it.

Hope your all doing great!

Sorry I havent posted.  I met a brand new guy, we went out all day yesterday, hes great, except hes not looking for a relationship.  I mean, Im not either...but I can see myself wanting one with him.  Hes like whatever happens happens you know?  Im like yea totally. But inside Im like not again.  Can I do this again?  I dont care if I cant, Im going to.  It might totally break me, but honestly, no one can hurt me more then I hurt myself.  I had a yogurt and nonfat vanilla latte today, then ruined it when I had cheese fries with my friend and half a bacon cheeseburger at Johnny Rockets.  Well Im not eating anything else tonight.  Im not even hungry, Im disgusted with myself and feel huge.  I just want to be skinny, and perfect.  And have no worries in the world.  Its never going to happen.   I dont deserve to be happy and I dont deserve him.

So I have pneumonia...

This post has pretty much nothing to do with anything except the fact that I am running on empty.  Cant stop coughing.  Again.  Gonna be another night with no sleep and I just cant do this anymore.  I'm just so so tired.  So tired.  My right side, thats where the pneumonia is, my right lung, hurts and I cant get comfortable.  Not that it matters cause I can't stop coughing anyways.  My lungs decided to hate me again and send me into an uncontrollable coughing fit where I resorted to using the inhaler I was given to see if it would help.  I'm supposed to use it twice a day, 2 puffs in the morning, 2 puffs at night.  But it helped a lot, and I'm actually not coughing at all now.  So I'm gonna end my little pity party and try to fall asleep, gotta wake up at 4 to take the cough medicine again, hopefully a third dose will get it into my system enough that it starts working...I'm just...not a happy person right now.

All the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice

Well heres the story of my life right now.  My father and my sister are locked in a bitter battle, over a stupid boy, and her wish for "freedom" (really if she didn't sneak and lie this wouldn't be an issue) and the only common ground is they both care about me...and my health.  So, I've done what I can to try and get my dad to a starting point to fix this.  My sister is currently almost messing me up.  So my next plan, is that I'm not eating until they fix it.  If she messes this up...I will go sit at the dinner table with them.  And not eat.  I won't eat on the weekends when I'm at home, lunch at work, never eat breakfast anyway.  And they can both know that it's their fault for ruining our family and driving me to this.  I think it'll work.  Honestly, I'm at my friends, my dad won't go home.  I've never seen him so defeated and it's like she doesn't even care.  She's young and being stupid, letting a boy be more important then her family. 

I think it's crazy that I've gotten to this point after everything I've been trying to do, and that I don't care, that part of me is even hoping for it, looking forward to it.  I've been so stressed and frustrated with this, I even just feel like crying half the time, just to let it all go. 

Well I'll keep you all updated, I think this blog is the only thing keeping me sane right now.

Hope you all are doing great as always!