Any all time low fans? Yea i've been listening to this song like every time I'm in the car. The one part goes "And if I had to pull you out of the wreckage you know I'm never gonna let you go". I can't help but wish i had someone to pull me out of the wreckage of my life.
Still not feeling any better. Did get a surprising day off however which was a nice surprise. I got homework done and found out it's gonna take $70 just to find out what's wrong with my computer. My dad said he would go halfway on a new laptop though, at first i said no, but I think im going to. I would like to post on here from something other then my phone. Anyways. I think I only have 1 more week at this office. I'm scared of my evaluation cause I haven't sat with him once other then extractions. I stayed home sick yesterday and was off today. And if this was my last week? Well oh well I guess? One bad evaluation won't kill me.
I'm gonna weigh myself on Sunday. Hopefully I'll be feeling better and we'll see how much i lost from just being sick. For once I looked in the mirror today and actually saw slight signs of improvement. Still, I need to lose more if I'm gonna look even close to nice for this summer.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sick
Ugh since ive been in school, a program at my old high school, Ive been so sick. This is the second time I've had what I think is a sinus infection. My head feels like it's gonna explode everytime I sit up. At least tomorrow I get to go buy something for it. I have no money this week cause I had to pay off school, but I'm so glad I'm finally done!
I weighed myself for the first time cause i've been so scared, I'm still around 113. I wish I had a digital scale :(. But I'm under 115 so I'm happy. All this running around on clinicals is helping me maintain. But I'm trying to get back to a better eating schedule, eating only what I have to, but trying not to skip out too much cause then I just end up binging. Then it's a while downward spiral of depression and too much self hatred.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really be happy with myself and my life. Right now it seems like such an unobtainable goal. I seriously envy those who can look in a mirror and actually like what they see, and go out and not worry what everyone is thinking when they see them.
I weighed myself for the first time cause i've been so scared, I'm still around 113. I wish I had a digital scale :(. But I'm under 115 so I'm happy. All this running around on clinicals is helping me maintain. But I'm trying to get back to a better eating schedule, eating only what I have to, but trying not to skip out too much cause then I just end up binging. Then it's a while downward spiral of depression and too much self hatred.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really be happy with myself and my life. Right now it seems like such an unobtainable goal. I seriously envy those who can look in a mirror and actually like what they see, and go out and not worry what everyone is thinking when they see them.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Been a little while
So it's been a while since my last post. Writing this, I haven't checked and don't even remember what I last wrote about. EDIT- just looked at my last post, yea he's gonna be home next month :). And in regrads to the next paragraph, well...we'll see what happens with him. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I finished up my first rotation for school, and I'm now 2 days into my second. It's not bad, I like the place, not sure if I would want to work there though. But at the same time, at this point a jobs a job if they offer.
Guys in my life have moved on. One I've written about most on here, he's got a girlfriend now. Super happy for him cause he deserves it. But he was all, I'll never find anyone like you, I don't know what I'm gonna do without you. Now he's all I love you, your the most amazing person, to her. And I'm like well told you that you would find someone! I mean, I know I'm nothing special. I've known that for years. Still it sucks being right about knowing he'll find happiness and I won't. People always leave. I know I push them away, I don't need them getting close enough and finding out, but really, who wants to be alone? I want to find that person who will stay.
Anyways, so i've been maintaining around 110-113. Not on a diet or counting big time. Like I don't count all the calories in one meal, but smaller things, like snacks, salads, that make up my diet. Trying to get back on track though. I've ben so out of it and unfocused, I don't know what's wrong, but I hope I figure it out soon.
Guys in my life have moved on. One I've written about most on here, he's got a girlfriend now. Super happy for him cause he deserves it. But he was all, I'll never find anyone like you, I don't know what I'm gonna do without you. Now he's all I love you, your the most amazing person, to her. And I'm like well told you that you would find someone! I mean, I know I'm nothing special. I've known that for years. Still it sucks being right about knowing he'll find happiness and I won't. People always leave. I know I push them away, I don't need them getting close enough and finding out, but really, who wants to be alone? I want to find that person who will stay.
Anyways, so i've been maintaining around 110-113. Not on a diet or counting big time. Like I don't count all the calories in one meal, but smaller things, like snacks, salads, that make up my diet. Trying to get back on track though. I've ben so out of it and unfocused, I don't know what's wrong, but I hope I figure it out soon.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Couldn't be happier right now!
Finally got an email back from the most amazing guy ever. He's in Iraq right now and when it had been over a week from when I had last heard from him I was getting so worried. But I woke up today to one and I can say it really made my day. Even eating a little more then I wanted couldn't bring me down today :)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New year same drama.
Nothing great going on in my life. Next big state test coming up on Friday, still dealing with boy drama. And they say girls are clingy?! Like really, it's all over this all just needs to end. I just want to let it all go and move on...but he won't. Whatever, hopefully it's done now. Met a new guy, taking it SLOW this time, and not telling him anything about my eating disorder.
Took some of my stats today, so I guess I'll post them now for the beginning of the year and see where I'm at next time I decide to.
Weight-110 lbs
Height-5'4"
BMI-18.9
Body Fat %-15.22
I'm actually pretty please with the percentage, it's lower then I thought it was going to be, and I know my BMI will drop, I mean it's only 2 more pounds till I'm actually considered underweight again. I havent gotten my period yet either which kind of concerns me cause I don't want to be pregnant, but it was safe, nothing went wrong. I'm just being paranoid I guess, I'm actually wondering if I've lost it? I've always been on the pill, but I lost Decembers pack...I go back on Thursday for the next 6 months...but I can't start them until I get it. Ugh I don't know what to do. She's gonna weigh me to get them, so I'm thinking I might have to gain a few pounds, I can drop it again fast.
Well I'm going to bed, it's about the only time I'm not stressed.
Took some of my stats today, so I guess I'll post them now for the beginning of the year and see where I'm at next time I decide to.
Weight-110 lbs
Height-5'4"
BMI-18.9
Body Fat %-15.22
I'm actually pretty please with the percentage, it's lower then I thought it was going to be, and I know my BMI will drop, I mean it's only 2 more pounds till I'm actually considered underweight again. I havent gotten my period yet either which kind of concerns me cause I don't want to be pregnant, but it was safe, nothing went wrong. I'm just being paranoid I guess, I'm actually wondering if I've lost it? I've always been on the pill, but I lost Decembers pack...I go back on Thursday for the next 6 months...but I can't start them until I get it. Ugh I don't know what to do. She's gonna weigh me to get them, so I'm thinking I might have to gain a few pounds, I can drop it again fast.
Well I'm going to bed, it's about the only time I'm not stressed.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Been too Long
Well I've reached my first goal. I'm offically 110 lbs. It's been easy cause mostly I just haven't been able to eat more then 1 meal a day. I eat lunch and then very small portions at dinner. Like eating just makes me feel so nauseous. I don't even feel hungry half the time.
The jerk that I wrote about in crushed has pretty much been harassing me and some friends, so I told my cousin and last night the idiot is stupid enough to message me again! I told him to stop and he still kept up with his insults (even called me fat), and I was like well I gave you a warning and you didn't listen, I hope you enjoy the consequecenses. He was like ok I'll stop and never talk to you again. So hopefully that's over with. I can't believe I ever really liked him he's such an ass.
We have a blizzard warning until tomorrow at 1pm. This sucks cause I need to go to the doctor and get my birth control pills, I'm kinda worried cause she always weighs me and I lost 10 lbs. I don't know what she's going to say. Hell I don't even know if I'm going to make it there on time with all this snow. I have to call them tomorrow and make an appointment. With all this snow all I've done today is have a bowl of oatmeal and stay in bed watching tv, and took a nice long much needed nap. Not a bad day I guess.
The jerk that I wrote about in crushed has pretty much been harassing me and some friends, so I told my cousin and last night the idiot is stupid enough to message me again! I told him to stop and he still kept up with his insults (even called me fat), and I was like well I gave you a warning and you didn't listen, I hope you enjoy the consequecenses. He was like ok I'll stop and never talk to you again. So hopefully that's over with. I can't believe I ever really liked him he's such an ass.
We have a blizzard warning until tomorrow at 1pm. This sucks cause I need to go to the doctor and get my birth control pills, I'm kinda worried cause she always weighs me and I lost 10 lbs. I don't know what she's going to say. Hell I don't even know if I'm going to make it there on time with all this snow. I have to call them tomorrow and make an appointment. With all this snow all I've done today is have a bowl of oatmeal and stay in bed watching tv, and took a nice long much needed nap. Not a bad day I guess.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Crushed
How could I be so FUCKING naive?? Like why would he EVER want me back? Who the fuck am I to be so special?!? I hate that he has me exactly where he wants me. That all he has to do is act like a boyfriend, sit on the bed and grab my hips and hug me, put his arms around me and hold me when I'm cold...give me his sweatshirt or wrap a blanket around us. Hold my hand...he never held my hand, I thought it might have actually meant something. Yea right, I'm so fucking stupid it's not even funny. Tell me he's gonna miss me when he goes away for 2 weeks.
Now I'm sitting on my bed, crying as I write this. My friend, a mutual friend, told me how he asked this other girl to hang out. She was sort of seeing the guy who told me. Yea she said no then told him today. So then my ex went after this girl that my friend had hooked up with and she said no. That was just last week. Apparently he's been trying and just having no luck with girls. So then he texts me, "I miss you" "I need you" "Come over". I hate how I always do it. I always end up sleeping with him. Think buy some miracle he'll ask me to be with him. All I am is an easy fuck, but I can't help being in love with him.
This hurts so bad, now that I know he's been asking all these girls out and he's away for 2 weeks cause some guy "discovered" him and wants him to model...yea model, all those beautiful stick thin girls...I just wish I could get over him, some days I think I am, then I hear stuff like this.
Now I'm sitting on my bed, crying as I write this. My friend, a mutual friend, told me how he asked this other girl to hang out. She was sort of seeing the guy who told me. Yea she said no then told him today. So then my ex went after this girl that my friend had hooked up with and she said no. That was just last week. Apparently he's been trying and just having no luck with girls. So then he texts me, "I miss you" "I need you" "Come over". I hate how I always do it. I always end up sleeping with him. Think buy some miracle he'll ask me to be with him. All I am is an easy fuck, but I can't help being in love with him.
This hurts so bad, now that I know he's been asking all these girls out and he's away for 2 weeks cause some guy "discovered" him and wants him to model...yea model, all those beautiful stick thin girls...I just wish I could get over him, some days I think I am, then I hear stuff like this.
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