Fail

Started my diet today, didn't know a friend who has suspicions about me would want to hang out today. I did great at school and when I got home. All while we were out, until he wanted mcdonalds. Ugh. Tomorrow I'm not giving in and I'm not hanging out with anyone. I'm sticking to my plan and no one is going to stop me. I don't even really have anything else to say tonight...

I'm Such A Headcase

Well...I officially ended whatever it is I had with him. Still talking, but he knows I have no romantic feelings. I feel like such a failure at life. I can't do anything right. I can't like this great guy whose everything I need and want. No I have to be half in love with the asshole who always breaks my heart. Honestly I don't even known how I'm passing this program I'm in, but I guess I'm retaining it and just not realizing it.

I have my restrictions carefully planned. Sugarfree carnation drinks for breakfast and lunch, I get a break at school so I'm thinking of sugarfree jello cups. As for dinner, I'm stumped. Weekends I can just fast, my dad won't be here...but durning the week he notices. I'm thinking maybe just really bland, or extremely small portions. I'm staying the hell away from the "candy bowl" at school. I hate that thing. But my willpower is stronger. I CAN stay away. I want to go into ketosis, thats my goal for right now. So hopefully all this stress, and calorie cutting, and cigarettes will do it.

Bad Day

Today sucked. I had like no will power at all an had too much at dinner. I hate these night binges. Usually I'm good with it, I'll eat carrot sticks or egg whites. Today? Macaroni and cheese. Like really, I dont know what came over me! I've been stressed. Just so much work in school, but I NEED this program. And this guy. We aren't officially together I don't even know what to call it. But it's not easy, I like him, not as much as he likes me and he always says how much that hurts him which makes me feel like a bitch and then I eat this crappy food. I've been in this weird mood lately. I just dont want to do anything, and I don't want to do anything with him, physically. He pressures me without making it obvious like guilt tripping me. Ugh! This just sucks. Half the time I'm stressed and it's great, I lose my appetite completely so I don't have to worry about feeling hungry. After a few days of heavy restriction or fasting I feel so sick I have to eat something. But anyways other times I do the whole emotional eating thing. At least I exercise enough to help balance it somewhat. I'm afraid to weigh myself though. Last time it was 120 *shudders* so I started restricting and lost 3 lbs pretty fast. Then this guy started with all this crap and now I'm eating Mac and cheese... I'll get back on track. I'm gonna plan my meals for the rest of the week at school. I need to get control back. Without I have nothing. I AM nothing.

An Introduction of Sorts

This isn't going to be long, I just wanted to put my first post in. I'm glad to be able to do this. Away from prying eyes of those I know. They mean to help and be supportive, but, I don't know. It's hard to accept their pity, concern. It seems so fake at times and I know it's just me. Well I can say this night has made me smile for once, my dog got sprayed by a skunk. One of those things you shouldn't laugh at but can't help. 2 baths later the scent is mostly gone, vet gave us some peroxide solution we have to make that's supposed to work. Poor thing, but hey, that smell always kills your appetite.