Been too Long

Well I've reached my first goal. I'm offically 110 lbs. It's been easy cause mostly I just haven't been able to eat more then 1 meal a day. I eat lunch and then very small portions at dinner. Like eating just makes me feel so nauseous. I don't even feel hungry half the time.

The jerk that I wrote about in crushed has pretty much been harassing me and some friends, so I told my cousin and last night the idiot is stupid enough to message me again! I told him to stop and he still kept up with his insults (even called me fat), and I was like well I gave you a warning and you didn't listen, I hope you enjoy the consequecenses. He was like ok I'll stop and never talk to you again. So hopefully that's over with. I can't believe I ever really liked him he's such an ass.

We have a blizzard warning until tomorrow at 1pm. This sucks cause I need to go to the doctor and get my birth control pills, I'm kinda worried cause she always weighs me and I lost 10 lbs. I don't know what she's going to say. Hell I don't even know if I'm going to make it there on time with all this snow. I have to call them tomorrow and make an appointment. With all this snow all I've done today is have a bowl of oatmeal and stay in bed watching tv, and took a nice long much needed nap. Not a bad day I guess.

Crushed

How could I be so FUCKING naive?? Like why would he EVER want me back? Who the fuck am I to be so special?!? I hate that he has me exactly where he wants me. That all he has to do is act like a boyfriend, sit on the bed and grab my hips and hug me, put his arms around me and hold me when I'm cold...give me his sweatshirt or wrap a blanket around us. Hold my hand...he never held my hand, I thought it might have actually meant something. Yea right, I'm so fucking stupid it's not even funny. Tell me he's gonna miss me when he goes away for 2 weeks.

Now I'm sitting on my bed, crying as I write this. My friend, a mutual friend, told me how he asked this other girl to hang out. She was sort of seeing the guy who told me. Yea she said no then told him today. So then my ex went after this girl that my friend had hooked up with and she said no. That was just last week. Apparently he's been trying and just having no luck with girls. So then he texts me, "I miss you" "I need you" "Come over". I hate how I always do it. I always end up sleeping with him. Think buy some miracle he'll ask me to be with him. All I am is an easy fuck, but I can't help being in love with him.

This hurts so bad, now that I know he's been asking all these girls out and he's away for 2 weeks cause some guy "discovered" him and wants him to model...yea model, all those beautiful stick thin girls...I just wish I could get over him, some days I think I am, then I hear stuff like this.

Must Sleep

I think I've gotten like maybe 20 hours of sleep this week. I am seriously up 4,5, even 6 times a night and just can't sleep. Today! I've been up since 4 and in so incredibly tired but just can't fall asleep. My head hurts, im so frustrated i want to cry. I've always had sleep troubles but this is by far the worst it's been and I jist don't know why.

Those guiradelli chocoalates, yea ate WAY too many, but lunch was good, still doesn't make up for it, although I was walking a lot at school, regardless I'm still mad about my seeming lack of control when it's usually so good.

So sprained my ankle around 2 summers ago, didn't take care of it properly. Meaning I refused to wear my ugly walking boot. Well now it hurts in the cold. It hurts in the rain. It's weak and gives out easy, but I'm building strength. In other words it's always gonna give my problems. So, is it too much to ask for that I DONT twist my knee? Especially on the SAME LEG?!? Ugh it's like just not fair. But then again what ever is.

Had my schools open house tonight. It was fun, I took my sister and my nephew, the little ladies man, everyone loved him haha, but really hes just too cute for words.

A Little Bit Stronger

Ok. So I'm a total country girl. But Sarah Evans song a little bit stronger is like my theme song right now. What is it with guys?!? He told me, I know you aren't in a place where a relationship with me is an option. As if it's cause of my ED. No, I told him friendship is all I feel for him. And he was all I'm at peace with it. It used to make me mad but not anymore. LIES. Ok so Thanksgiving, not my favorite holiday...but I'm still relaxing with family, enjoying time at home. Do I really need to be blindsided with "i think I'm starting to hate you because you don't want to be with me". And how when i do meet someone he can't talk to me cause he really will hate me. Even though he had a girl spending the night. Like talk about hypocritical! This all really wouldn't bother me so much if i hadn't trusted him enough to tell him just about everything about my ED. And he used it against me, on two different occasions. I can honestly say no guy has ever made me feel worse about myself. But I refuse to let him get the better of me. Each day I'll get a little bit stronger and won't let him affect me. I won't let any guy affect me like that again.

Uhm really?

One word I'm not ready to hear? Pregnant. How could I be so stupid? Ugh I'm so nervous about having to go buy a test tomorrow and take it. I still have to take it again in 5 days to make sure. It's just not the time for this, but if it happens it happens. Even though the father wouldn't be involved at all. He's so stupid I could never feel comfortable leaving a child with him let alone my own. No job, not in school, going no where.

Still, just thinking about makes me want to cry cause right now I just cant imagine how I can make it work. I don't even have insurance. I'm trying, I mean that's what schools for, but I'm not done yet. I know I can do it. But it's way earlier then I ever wanted to.

This is all IF it's positive. Like I honestly have no idea how big or small the risks are for me right now. But please God, let it be low and let me not be pregnant.

Dont Even Have One

How did I get so far off track? I haven't gained though, which is good, I lost. I dunno I guess binging occasionally is good to junpstart the metabolism...still makes me feel like a whale. I'm 114, was stuck in limbo for a while going from 115-117, but a lbs a lb. A start. Not where I want to be, but finally moving.

On a non Ed related subject, got my infection control scores today and I got a 749. I needed 400 to pass and 900 is the best, so that's one thing to feel proud of.

Anyways I've been having crazy heart palpitations and craving salt like no tomorrow ( low blood pressure?!) been eating mostly white rice and salt when I can get away with it and homemade eggdrop soup (60). Did nutrition in school and just focused on the vitamins myself,I think I underlined maybe 3 or 4 deficiencies in all but 2 on the list. Never really thought about it till it was right there in front of me, so im gonna start taking a multi.

Im thinking of quitting smoking too...we'll see how long that lasts.

Sometimes I really do wonder when my life spiraled so out of control.

I Am...

Weak.
Selfish.
Manipulative.
A liar.
Unreliable.

A Failure.

"you have nothing to feel bad for"

I wish that was true. In reality, I have everything to feel bad about. I fucked my life up. And I don't know how to fix it now. I can't eat without feeling like a failure. I know my family knows somethings up, but really what can they do, no one can force me to do anything. But it hurts me that I hurt them, cause they're the last ones I want to hurt.

I can't even make a relationship work with a great guy. I can't make myself like him. He says he feels like he could fall in love with me, and I can't feel the same. I wonder if I wasn't such a freak if I would like him. I really don't know to be honest. The attraction just isn't there. And as much as personality matters, and his is great. You still need to have an attraction. But talking to someone else means losing him. He said when and if I meet someone else, then he's out of my life permanently. Like really, my whole self worth is already entirely fucked up, now your gonna make me choose between a potential future and someone I've come to think of as a best friend, someone I depend on?! I feel like crying everytime I think about it.

Hell I feel like crying everytime I think about my life and what it's become.

Fail

Started my diet today, didn't know a friend who has suspicions about me would want to hang out today. I did great at school and when I got home. All while we were out, until he wanted mcdonalds. Ugh. Tomorrow I'm not giving in and I'm not hanging out with anyone. I'm sticking to my plan and no one is going to stop me. I don't even really have anything else to say tonight...

I'm Such A Headcase

Well...I officially ended whatever it is I had with him. Still talking, but he knows I have no romantic feelings. I feel like such a failure at life. I can't do anything right. I can't like this great guy whose everything I need and want. No I have to be half in love with the asshole who always breaks my heart. Honestly I don't even known how I'm passing this program I'm in, but I guess I'm retaining it and just not realizing it.

I have my restrictions carefully planned. Sugarfree carnation drinks for breakfast and lunch, I get a break at school so I'm thinking of sugarfree jello cups. As for dinner, I'm stumped. Weekends I can just fast, my dad won't be here...but durning the week he notices. I'm thinking maybe just really bland, or extremely small portions. I'm staying the hell away from the "candy bowl" at school. I hate that thing. But my willpower is stronger. I CAN stay away. I want to go into ketosis, thats my goal for right now. So hopefully all this stress, and calorie cutting, and cigarettes will do it.

Bad Day

Today sucked. I had like no will power at all an had too much at dinner. I hate these night binges. Usually I'm good with it, I'll eat carrot sticks or egg whites. Today? Macaroni and cheese. Like really, I dont know what came over me! I've been stressed. Just so much work in school, but I NEED this program. And this guy. We aren't officially together I don't even know what to call it. But it's not easy, I like him, not as much as he likes me and he always says how much that hurts him which makes me feel like a bitch and then I eat this crappy food. I've been in this weird mood lately. I just dont want to do anything, and I don't want to do anything with him, physically. He pressures me without making it obvious like guilt tripping me. Ugh! This just sucks. Half the time I'm stressed and it's great, I lose my appetite completely so I don't have to worry about feeling hungry. After a few days of heavy restriction or fasting I feel so sick I have to eat something. But anyways other times I do the whole emotional eating thing. At least I exercise enough to help balance it somewhat. I'm afraid to weigh myself though. Last time it was 120 *shudders* so I started restricting and lost 3 lbs pretty fast. Then this guy started with all this crap and now I'm eating Mac and cheese... I'll get back on track. I'm gonna plan my meals for the rest of the week at school. I need to get control back. Without I have nothing. I AM nothing.

An Introduction of Sorts

This isn't going to be long, I just wanted to put my first post in. I'm glad to be able to do this. Away from prying eyes of those I know. They mean to help and be supportive, but, I don't know. It's hard to accept their pity, concern. It seems so fake at times and I know it's just me. Well I can say this night has made me smile for once, my dog got sprayed by a skunk. One of those things you shouldn't laugh at but can't help. 2 baths later the scent is mostly gone, vet gave us some peroxide solution we have to make that's supposed to work. Poor thing, but hey, that smell always kills your appetite.