Ugh I cant believe last night happened...

So I'll just right to it.  Last night my friend invited me out to the club to go dancing with some of her friends.  It was me, her, and her 4 guy friends.  One of whom I slept with.  She's fine with it, thats not the point of this post.  The point is I slept with him! I was so wasted, I can't believe I actually did it, more so because I never got to go get my birth control pills this month, and we didn't have a condom, but I didn't let him finish that way.  Trying not to get all TMI on you guys.  So I ended up going to get Plan B today and took it.  I'm just kinda surprised I did it.  We danced and made out, it was fun, I wasn't really expecting it to go that far, but it did.  I had more fun dancing with this other guy, better kisser too, but I had to leave him when the guys decided they wanted to go home.  That was kinda disappointing.  Overall...I just acted totally unlike myself last night.  Not sure how I feel about that, but I've been so stressed out with the drama at home, and my parents knowing about my eating disorder, I just completely acted out.  I need to get my life under control again.  I don't like feeling so disconnected.

So she ran away in her sleep

Well...since I told my dad, hes really only asked me once if I've been eating.  I said yes, and I had, cause I was out with a friend that day.  I've been eating dinner in front of him, but not much else during the day.  I mean, he can't just expect me to start eating out of no where.  Today I've had 1 cup of frozen mixed berries, a few chocolate covered craisens, and 100 calorie bag of popcorn.   For dinner it's just me and my mom so I can probably get away with just having some white rice.

Work sucks even more then usual.  I feel like he's just trying to get me to quit so he won't have to pay unemployment, but I'm not quitting, if he doesn't want me there he's gonna have to fire me.  I've been doing everything he wants and doing the best I can, I won't let him run me out just because he's an asshole.  He's still sending me down to Florida, but he said I have until the 11th to be more confident at work.  Keep in mind hes leaving for 10 days, so I'll pretty much only have 1 work week to show him my "confidence"  that just says to me that hes not interested in seeing me gain confidence in my work.  I would be if it weren't for him always picking on me and putting down my work.

Ah well.  I just have to hang in there as long as I can, keep putting money away, and yea I don't know.  I want to get my bachelors degree, go back to school, but for what I don't know.  I guess I should focus on myself before I start changing my life though. 

Hope your all doing great, I'll try and be a better blogger and update more!

Well I did it...

My dad knows about my eating disorder. I'm not sure how I feel about this though. I told out of desperation really. To stop a massive fight. I mean huge. He said we're gonna get me help. Am I really ready for that? I don't know. I thought I was but I couldn't tell him. I feel forced now. I'm scare to let this go. Ah well, like I said not gonna stop me from blogging, you laidies mean the world to me, no one else knew about this and you all have helped me through so much I couldn't ever just leave. It's 4 am. I'll post more tomorrow. I just really had to get this out. Wish me luck...I'm gonna need it.

Wrong baby wrong

Cause now that hes gone baby gone baby gone you aint got nothing to lose.  I'm trying to embrace that currently.  And it's so hard.  As Zoie said, and as I know, he really is the one that got away.  I hate that.  So much.  Why doesn't anything good ever happen to me?

Well I called the people about going back to school today, they'll pay for the class I want, based on my income.  If I go back to school I'm not gonna be able to work at the office so that's why I wanted to see if I could get it paid for.  I'm gonna go to the school on Friday since I'm off and see if I can even get into the class this semester since it starts in February, and yea I'll have to quit.  I don't know if I want to wait or not, see if I can just get regular financial aid instead of this way, but thats all something I have to look into on Friday. 

There is a guy I've been talking to, he's so nice, but he's not Him...and I'm trying to not let that get in the way, but it's so hard.  Maybe it's just too soon, I don't doubt it, but my friend was talking about me and her little sister saying we were the same, we aren't ever without a guy for long.  I think that's the problem, but I really don't know how to be alone.  I'm never truly alone, theres always been some guy.  And before Him...we're just gonna call him L...well I didn't really care about them or anything, he changed all of that.  Now I can't stop thinking about him, and just hating myself for letting it come to this. 
I ate too much today too.  Really cant do anything right these days.