Well its over between us. I can't fucking believe this, not even an explanation! I sent him an email and I get a delivery fail. He fucking blocked me!! Like what the fuck?!? Everything he told me was just a fucking lie I gues. I don't think I've ever felt do used in my life, not even the whole ordeal with my last ex made me feel as bad as I do right now. I'm too pissed to be upset and cry but we'll see how I feel tmw when I get up.

A Few Steps Forward? Maybe Not

So the other day I never posted about this, but while at work we were doing a filling on the other assistant and she was like "did you two skip breakfast I can hear your stomachs growling!" Well, I don't eat breakfast, or lunch...well in front of them at least, I hate eating in front of people.  So she had commented about that and how they never see me eating.  So the Dr. asks me a question, I doubt he was serious but he asked if I was anorexic.  I was like no of course not, I eat lunch just not breakfast.  How I wish I could have just looked at them and been like well yea.  But we can't very well go out saying that now can we?

Has anyone ever thought of getting help? Living a normal life?  I think about it, but I cant ever bring myself to tell anyone that would be able to help me.  I don't know if I actually want it either.  Anyways, during all my thinking about it and using StumbleUpon (best site ever when your bored) I found a few pics with some encouraging quotes and stuff that I'm gonna post for ya'll.

You Can Break Everything I Am

15 days.  Just 2 weeks before he leaves his base.  Just over 2 weeks before I find out if we're still together.  I'm really worried that I haven't heard anything, the military sucks, being a military girlfriend sucks because your not important enough to hear about anything.  But he's already got leave coming up so I'll have to hear from him by then....I hope.  If not then I'm officially moving on.  It'll be so hard, but I'm not gonna wait.  Watch it'll be then that I hear from him.

I don't have much else going on.  We got this guy at work now, he works the front desk, only other guy in the office is the Dentist.  So yea anyways the other assistant is always asking me about him and I'm like I don't know anything about him we don't really talk!  But she thinks we would be good together.  He's nice enough but so not my type, like too nice I guess, and I can't even think about anyone else except the guy I would move across the country to be with if he wasn't gonna be deployed this summer.

Today wasn't a good food day, so I won't even post what I had, but I took my sister out for her birthday so I had to eat, and then her boyfriend bought us all dinner so I had to eat again.  Tomorrow I'll be at work all day so I think I'm just gonna try not to eat at all then Sunday have a snack or something.  I bought a digital scale finally!  I can't bring it in yet though because of my family :( So hopefully tomorrow I can sneak it in and hide it in my room.  I'm so excited.  I find it sad I'm more excited about a scale then anything else I buy.  Got my eyebrows waxed today finally, my sister had me go to this place she went to, the guy did such a great job, I'm for sure going back and keeping up with them...its funny how much prettier you feel, well how much prettier I feel when I get them done, I feel like I look different, better.  I don't believe people when they tell me I'm pretty.  I don't believe him when he tells me that, or that I'm perfect.  I'm so far from perfect it's not even funny.

I cant believe I'm gonna be 23 next month.  I've been living with this for so long.  I'm gonna let you guys in on a secret, one of my biggest fears is that one day when I have kids (because I want them, and thats another fear that I won't be able to) but that if I have a little girl she'll be just like me.  How would I protect her from this when I can't even protect myself.

Anyone want to offer some advice?  I think I've said I don't want to be a dental assistant forever.  And one thing I've been think of, is being a nanny.  Like I'm not married, I have no kids of my own.  I love kids, I love spending time and watching my nephew.  I could do, like be a full time nanny for a family.  Theres actually one close by...they have a newborn and want someone 40+ hours for around the same pay I'm making now.  I don't know if I should send them a message saying I'm interested in an interview or not though.  I don't want school to be such a waste of money you know?  And I've been trying to stick it out at this office to try and get experience to try and get into an oral surgeons office.  I love assisting surgery...well not with the Dr.  I work with, but the specialty in general.  So should I wait and try and stay for a year and then apply to other offices...or try and get a nanny job...

Well all you lovlies take care!

If Youre Going Through Hell...

Keep on going.  Well I'm going, but don't feel like I'm getting any closer to getting out.  My best friends mom said it perfect today.  Little background info, she's moving with her boyfriend sometime in January, he's graduating in December, and they're moving wherever he manages to get a job in politics.  So anyways, my friend was talking about how she can see her life starting, and she just wants to get to that point already.  And her mom said your life is on hold...both of you.  And she's right.  Granted its for different reasons, I'm not moving in with my boyfriend any time soon though I want to...my life is on hold because I can't figure out whats next.  Until I do, I'm stuck working a job I don't want, still putting money away, but being miserable day after day. 

I changed the title of my blog!  My URL is Falling Down the ED Hole...based upon Alice in Wonderland...well I wanted the title of my blog to kinda go with that, and I feel like I'm stuck in Ana's Wonderland.  Kinda surprised it took me so long to think of lol.

Well I'm gonna take some advice on here, and try and start a budget...you know it really shouldn't be that hard to save, all I get is gas and pay my dad my car insurance...sometimes food, more coffee I guess.  Depends on who I'm with and what I can get away with not eating.  But I don't have any bills yet, I live at home.  But I need to stop shopping really.  It's hard, I feel like I have no friends, and do nothing, I'm always so bored at home.  So sometimes I shop online...well that needs to end.  I'll spend time with my best friend while I still can, and see my other one once summer comes, hopefully sooner if she can come visit. And just make the best of a bad situation and really try to figure out what it is I want to do...and can do.

 I'll keep y'all updated, keep shining lovlies!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but I guess I just don't want to bring you all down.  I wish I had a normal life sometimes...I hate that I don't even have $3000 in the bank, and POS car, and a job I hate, with no idea what I want to do with my life.  On top of all my other problems.  And I still haven't heard from him.  I'm more worried he got sent somewhere with just no time or way to tell me.  This relationship scares the hell out of me sometimes, but I want nothing or no one else.  Just keep your fingers crossed I hear from him soon please and thank you!

My best friend is talking about getting married in 2 years. They havent been together for a year and they already know. Shes moving with him in January. Is it bad I'm jealous?  That all I want is to wake up every morning next to the guy I love, cook dinner for him when he gets home from work (and possibly eat it), to fall asleep in his arms.  And know that everything is going to be ok.  Sorry, I'm just going through a slight depression of missing him.  Most days its fine, I know this isnt permenant...but being the girlfriend sucks...you have no importance in the military unless your married.

So I'm gonna ask you guys, how much do you think is a reasonable amout to have saved up before I decide to really just move away and live by myself...or move with him.  I don't want to depend on him, but I know its not likely I'll find a job right away.  I still need to buy a new car, so thats insurance and payments as well.  It really isn't fun growing up lol. 

Oh!  And my dad.  Well he got fired from his job a few months back (long kinda funny story).  Well he's on unemployment now, our only source of income, and while he still has plenty to be coming in...it's not gonna last, and he's had no luck finding a job.  They either don't want to pay him what he deserves for what he knows, hes not "qualified" meaning certified or licensed even though he knows it, or they just want younger guys.  My mom can't work, she had a stroke when I was 4 and gets social security.  So my dads friend told him about this company that is doing gold mining...in Africa, his friend works as a pilot for them.  They need drill operators and such and my dad can do that.  6 weeks there and 3 weeks home.  My dads really considering it as a last option, like if it came to us losing the house, which is honestly a possiblity here, so many people are.   I really dont want him to be gone for a month and a half and home for just under a month.  I would miss him so much.  But really...I think it's gonna come to that.  He won't tell us how much longer he can be on unemployment, but it's not really enough. 

Well. Thats my life right now.  Missing my boyfriend, hoping to make some kind of change for the better with what I want to do with my life, and my dad possibly working in Africa.

I hope your all doing well...take care lovlies!

Just saying...

I am reading blogs tonight, but its not letting me comment...so I'll comment when i can when im on my phone again...for some reason i can on there, but its so annoying cause its so small.  Anyways!  I am reading all of them right now and im sad i cant comment :( 

But Im Sleeping With the Telephone

Ok so this is such a sad song.  Sleeping With the Telephone by Reba MacEntire, but its what I do.  I miss him a lot.  The other assistant I work with was asking about him today and was like that must be so hard...you must really like him to still be with him though you don't get to see him a lot and now that he's deploying again.  I just smiled and said yea.  But the truth is I love him.  It scares me too.  I've never let anyone in before him.  I thought I did with an ex I wrote about on here, I thought it hurt so much when we broke up and all the drama he put me through.  I thought I was in love with him, but now I know I wasn't.  I know what it's like to be in love now, the thought of losing him hurts so much.  He said it first though.  When his base kept him that week (hes gone again, but I'm not worried about it now, although he does need to get a new phone...) anyways, he told me "I'm in love with you and I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to."  As if I would ever tell him that lol.  Anyways this is more just a vent post because I miss him.  I wish I could be with him all the time.  Ah well, soon enough :)

So I guess I should post my food for today:

Waffels (because my mom made me): 160
Mini soft pretzels (because I broke down at work): 290
Mini veggie corn dogs: 213
Diet coke: 0

Total: 663

Not bad, not under 500 but definitely under 800 which is what I always strive for.  I weighed myself yesterday and I'm back to 110lbs...I had gained a few and was around 114 so I'm happy with the loss.  Now I just need to lose 5 more.

Hope all your all doing great!

Start of a New Day

Today was a good day.  I woke up in a good mood (an amazing feat in itself) extremely tired, but overall in a good mood.  Didn't eat breakfast, I usually don't because I prefer to sleep in as much as I can.  Didn't get time for lunch at work, but really wasn't all that hungry to begin with.  Like I was but the thought of eating just made me nauseous, maybe I'm just tired of eating the same thing at work...got home at 6 and ate a salad for dinner.  One of those pre made one with stuff added to it.  None of them are over 300 calories, its great and they are so good.  I have no idea how many calories I burn during the day standing and walking around  so I can't put any output, but I suppose my total for the day is less?  Maybe not today because I haven't moved since I ate...but for my usual day.

Salad-280
Diet Soda-0

So now I'm kinda hungry, but I'm doing a good job at just avoiding the kitchen and keeping my total at under 300 for the day. I have another salad for dinner tomorrow, but I don't have work so I'm kind of worried about eating more then I should...but I'm going to try to do my best. I really want to lose these last few pounds and meet my first goal....105lbs. I can do this. Another thing I want to start doing is posting thinspo in my posts...so I'm gonna try it since this is the first of the month.