Run don't walk the sky is Falling

So I started my morning with a bagel....it was only 110 calories!  I bought those new bagel thins.  Unfortunately I had to use regualr butter...I'm gonna buy some low cal foods when I'm watching my aunts house this week.  And V8 Splash for only 50 calories a cup....gatorade 2...hmm I'm not sure what else I should get...I probably won't be eating much anyways since I won't have anyone there asking me why I'm not eating.

My test is in a week! I'm so beyond nervous, I have to work all week and will only be able to study after work, but then again I will have the house to myself except for my friend and she can help me study by going over flashcards.  I also sent my resume to another office tonight, I really hope I hear from them, I'm really starting to get discouraged with this job search.  The one office I really liked never said anything back.  I'm gonna go out Tuesday as well and just drop off my resume to a few places.

I hope my aunt has a scale at her house...this would be the perfect week to start trying to reach my goal by graduation or even better I could go past my goal.  What worries me is stress.  Stress makes the body produce cortisol which promotes stomach fat, and I really don't want that at all.  I'm always stressed.  It sucks.  A lot.

I guess thats all I have to say tonight.

Happy Day

So it's really only a happy day because this is the first post on my new laptop.  Still have to go get my blood work done.  The weekend I went to the doctor I got really sick and had a fever all weekend, couldn't really walk cause i was just feeling blah and in pain but I'm glad it was only two days.  Sadly I had to gain a few pounds to go see my doctor so now I have to lose it again before my pinning and graduation ceremony.  Hopefully it won't be too difficult...

Anyways that guy is gonna be home again for Memorial Day weekend and I'll be watching my aunts house so I won't have to worry about being home late or answering any questions too see him.  Except my two friends will be staying with me maybe.  The one knows about him and she wants to stay for sure, the other doesn't  and she may or may not be able to stay, or even come down now because of some family issues.  I'm even more nervous now because it didn't happen the first time.  I actaully asked him what he was looking for with us because my ex has me all messed up.  He was like I want to get know you more and work towards a great relationship.  I'm not used to such nice guys, it's actually a refreshing change.  Sometimes I just don't know how to answer though cause I'm used to dating such assholes and he's not.

So as of i guess almost 2 weeks ago, the doctor's scale said I was 116...I guess my home scale isn't working so I don't know what I really weigh now.  I really want to buy a digital scale for my room.  But anyways, I'm gonna start walking after dinner again every night and work up to running.  My friend is in Indiana for the next week and a half but when she gets back we're gonna work out a gym schedule, and I have a few work outs I can do at home for when I can't make it to the gym and for when she's away.  I'm also going food shopping for my own stuff since I'll be back at work this weekend hopefully full time soon, and then part time if I find my dental job.  I really hope I do, I need the money.

I guess thats it....I'm pretty boring this week, hopefully I'll have some stories from later this weekend be them good or bad. 

Should I even bother?

Ok so I had a post before this but deleted it because it was way too depressing. So. That guy. I texted him. He said he thought I forgot about him and I guess he didn't get any of my other texts that I sent him. But do I really want to go down this road? He did apologize for not texting me either. I'm not even gonna worry about it right now. I have way more important things then a nonexistent relationship. Whatever happens happens. Could be something works out with him, could be I fall for someone else.

I have to go to the doctor on thursday about me passing out. What am I supposed to say, oh sorry, I don't really take good care of myself you know? I'm just feeling weak and tired lately. Stressed and not hungry, forcing myself to eat normally in front of certain people. I did manage to get to a size 2 at American Eagle though! I'm pretty proud about that. What I'm most worried about thursday isn't her saying anything about my weight, it's the blood work coming back saying I'm diabetic, its on my dads side of the family...but my grandma doesn't have it, her sisters do. But most people think it's my bloodsugar dropping. I dont know what my levels are or if it's ever been too high. Could be, I tend to ignore all medical symptoms...

Well, I'm gonna go to bed I think...just exhausted...physically and mentally.

You blew your chance to rock my night away

So here I am Sunday, and my date isn't happening. I didnt think it would after he never answered my text and then never texted me at all, since Monday. Don't get what happened at all...well he probably met someone better. I don't care. Not the first time it hasn't worked out with someone I'll find someone else.

Since it's mothers day, me and my momma are going for a walk on the boardwalk. It was supposed to rain today but it's so nice out. It's a nice change, it's been crappy out lately. Unfortunatly I STILL have this bruise on my leg, so I'm not looking forward to wearing shorts. And I need to tone up my thighs. My arms look nice from carrying my nephew all the time lol. I just need to go to the gym, but, confession time...never been to one! Lol I'm too self conscious to go by myself and I really dont know what to do.

Today food wise will probably be on the higher end of my calorie limit but still a good day. I'm just having fish for dinner and had two, well im not sure what they're called. Fried eggs in the center a piece of bread. Too much butter but I can deal. I didn't have my cappuccino at work today. So I'll only be eating twice today. I'm thinking of going on a semi liquid fast. Like breakfast and lunch, i can't get away with it at dinner. But for most of the day, it should be ok right?

I just want to lose myself

I feel so unsure about my life right now. My dad told me how proud he is of me and that in this crazy house I'm his rock...I wanted to say how can I be your rock when I don't have anything in my life in order. Anyways, it makes me feel so bad, because of what I do to myself. But I can't stop now.

Today for dinner I had one small piece of marinated chicken, skipped the Mac and cheese. And some ice cream. I'm hungry though. Im gonna see if there's any kiwi in the fridge. Can't have cereal because there's no milk, not that I want the whole milk anyways. Spent my last $9 on gas to get to the office today, I get paid tomorrow but it's only $100, and I'm trying to save not spend.

I'm seeing my army guy on Sunday. I'm so beyond nervous, I'm not looking anything like I wanted to. I can't seem to get a flat lower stomach no matter what i do. I need to start walking with my mom again. I need to do something. I have to lie to my parents about where I'll be to see him, it's supposed to rain, and I have no clue what to do with him. I feel like it's gonna be a disaster and I'm stressing so much that somethings gonna go wrong.

So yea, I started looking at jobs and apartments in Virginia Beach won't be going this year or even next...but maybe in the next two years, I'll be able to make the move. I can start planning now, putting money aside for when I'm looking for a job...I need a change. I need to run away from myself.