Im No Beauty Queen

Well...I can't say I've been good lately.  I always start the day doing really well, and then my friend calls me up, and she always wants to go out and eat.  Milkshakes and fast food and blah blah blah.  Then to eat dinner at her house as well, although her mom makes healthy foods.  Today I guess I did ok.  I had like 3 bites of fruit at lunch, stressful day at work, then my bloodsugar was low so I got a small turkey hoagie at the store on the way home.  And just a little bit of dinner.   So I'm done eating for the day, but it was still too much.  If I hadn't gotten that turkey sandwhich I wouldn't be so mad at myself. 

I need to get to the gym or a yoga class.  I'm just waiting till Friday when my check is deposited into my bank account to see how much I'll be making at work....roughly, I get done work at all sorts of times depending on when the last patient is finished.  So I'm not really sure if it's actually a 40 hour work week, but I know thats what I need...I might not actually last much longer at this office.  I hate the way it's run, and that there are 4 different dentist's that I have to work with.  I want a smaller private office where I just work with one dentist and my hours are actually set.  But I can't really leave yet.  I want to try and stay until around January but if I just last until summers over then I guess that will have to do.  I should have just listened to everyone when they told me not to go there.  I'm going to write a letter and my resume to one of the offices I was at for school asking him if he'll keep me on file should he ever be looking for another assistant.

So I had to delete all my progress photos on my camera because my parents were using it at my graduation.  So I guess it's good in a way, they weren't consistent.  So I'm just going to charge it up, upload all my photos and delete them then start over...and take one every week to see how I'm doing.  And hopefully I'll get on here everyday so I can post what I've been eating.  And once I post it at night, I'm not eating anything else for the night. No more of this ridiculous night eating.  It's so out of hand and I don't even know why, it's something new.  Ugh  I just need to write down a meal plan for the week and hang it up, not just keep it in my head cause then I can just change it and that doesn't help or work at all. 

Keep the comments coming and take care everyone!

But When I'm Alone...No One Hears Me Cry

I'm feeling really depressed and just angry at myself tonight.  I'm still under the weight that I refuse to be above but I feel like I look heavier then I was then.  Everything about me is just...big.  And I can't fix it no matter how hard I try.  I can't fix myself, and I hate myself.  I hate waiting for everyone to fall asleep just so I can cry and know that no one is going to hear me, I hate answering questions about why I'm not hungry, and did I eat dinner after work before I came home.  I can feel the control I have slipping away and I'm closer to tears everytime someone talks to me about me.  I really don't know how much longer I can do this. I hate who I see when I look in the mirror.

Ugh and today shouldn't even be bad, the office was great, everyone was nice and I'm learning where everything is.  But if it's one thing I've learned...its everything in my life can be going great, perfect even.  But I'll never even be close to being ok.

New Beginnings

Well I graduate school on Wednesday.  And Friday I was offered a job.  It's full time and I'll be making good money and still working on the boardwalk at night.  So I'll be able to put a lot of money away this summer.  I can't believe this part of my life is actually finally falling into place.  It kind of upsets me that I don't have anyone special to share it with.  That guy that I said I was going to give another chance to, well he just stopped talking to me.  So I stopped sending texts and didn't get anything.  Doesn't really surprise me though.

I'm thinking that if I put enough money away and get a car with low payments, that I might actually be able to find a place of my own this winter. I don't know if I'll be able to do it alone, but my friend will be staying home for grad school...says it makes no sense to get an apartment for classes only 2 days a week when she can just commute and save money.  But places down here are cheaper in the winter, and a small house is really just the same amount as an apartment on the islands, except those go up in the summer because of the beach.

So this job tomorrow.  I'm really nervous, only because it's going to be my frist time in an office not as a student but as an employee, but I know they won't just throw me in on my first day.  Me and a friend from school both applied but only I got the job, she did get a job at another office though.  I still wish it could have been both of us, that would have made it less nervewracking.

I'm gonna end this here because I want it to be a relatively happy post because of the job.  Hope your all doing well, and I'll try to post more and stay updated on whats going on!