I'm feeling really depressed and just angry at myself tonight. I'm still under the weight that I refuse to be above but I feel like I look heavier then I was then. Everything about me is just...big. And I can't fix it no matter how hard I try. I can't fix myself, and I hate myself. I hate waiting for everyone to fall asleep just so I can cry and know that no one is going to hear me, I hate answering questions about why I'm not hungry, and did I eat dinner after work before I came home. I can feel the control I have slipping away and I'm closer to tears everytime someone talks to me about me. I really don't know how much longer I can do this. I hate who I see when I look in the mirror.
Ugh and today shouldn't even be bad, the office was great, everyone was nice and I'm learning where everything is. But if it's one thing I've learned...its everything in my life can be going great, perfect even. But I'll never even be close to being ok.
Hang in there. I really do think that life can be really great, if you make it like that. Ditch everyone that makes you sad, and do what makes you happy.
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I don't know you at all, but I feel for you so deeply. My hope for you is that you chase after different goals and dreams and find new inspirations. That you will be able to look at characteristics in people that you admire, like: love, loyalty, respect, compassion, confidence, integrity. And that you will fill your heart and mind with those goals rather than a physical one. I've always felt that beauty comes from within you. If you can find that place of love, honor, compassion, and you allow those characteristics to shape you into a new person, you will be more radiant and attractive than any merely physically beautiful version of yourself could ever compare too. My hope and prayer for you is that you can love yourself. Because it doesn't matter how beautiful you are and how many friends you have or how popular you are, at the end of the day, you are left with your own self, and if you don't like the company, it's going to be a miserable time, and you deserve better than that!
ReplyDeleteA blog I recommend is http://or-so-i-feel.blogspot.com/ the author, Meg, struggled with an eating disorder for quite some time, and she has a lot of wisdom to share. Her story inspires me, as I know one day your story will inspire many others. I wish you all the luck in finding yourself. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm rooting for you.