Gonna make my getaway

I wish I was bringing in the new year with him.  I hate that I'm so hung up on him.  That I cant get over him, I just miss him.  Any guy I try and get to know, it's no use cause they just aren't him.  He's all I want, and I wish I was what he wanted.  I hope I get fired on Wednesday, I need a job that isn't gonna keep me here, make just enough money and get out of here.  Move to Texas and I don't know.  My dad always says I'm impulsive and don't look before I leap, but I can't take it anymore, I need to do something drastic and just make a change.  I need to forget him.  I need to fall out of love with him. I'll probably send him one last email and tell him I'm gonna move on, and then just try.  Give other guys a real chance.  I want to be happy, that's all I want for 2012, to be happy.

So right now everyone is eating dinner in front of me (in the living room cause the kitchen table is all cluttered) ribs, macaroni salad, and asparagus.  I said I'm not hungry yet and I'll eat in a few hours.  I really don't want ribs.  But I'm gonna have to eat.  So I'm only having one...and a tiny bit of the side dishes...more of the aspargus so they can't complain about how much I'm not eating.  I really really need to go get a gym membership.  This one gym has a seperate floor for women, but if the equipment is newer on the other floor for both men and women I'm just going there.  It's the only way I'm gonna lose this weight in a reasonable amount of time.  I'm just gonna run and run until I feel like I'm going to pass out then run some more.  Only bad thing is I found out the guy that I work with, the front desk guy, he's going to this gym now too.  I really don't want to run into him there.  He's always commenting on my eating habits and well to be honest he's kind of cute, not my type but still cute.  And I would just be all embarassed if he saw me outside of work, looking horrible cause my scrubs are big and you cant see how much I weigh in them.  Lol see how much I weigh, well you all know what I mean.

I bought this awesome short black and silver cheetah print dress.  It fits...but it's hard to zipper once I get to a certain point.  It will zipper but it's a bit tight too.  So i'm determined to fit in it, although I have no where to wear it, but thats besides the point, I'll feel awesome that I fit into it and that's whats most important.

My skin is so dry too.  Mostly my hands because of work, but for my face I got a new moisturizer, and a scrub, we'll see how it works, my skins so sensitive I can hardly use anything.  I have to almost full bottles of stuff I had to give to my sister cause they made me face all red and burn.  So I hope this stuff is ok.

Hope your all doing well, have a great New Year if I don't post before then!

Where are you...

Ever hear the song Where are you Christmas by Faith Hill?  It was on the Grinch with Jim Carey.  Anyways it played at work (we have the Christmas station on).  Anyways I almost started crying.  The lyrics could so easily be changed to whatever you want.  And for me it was pretty much my happiness.  Where did it go.   I also think I'm gonna be fired.  He told me I have until January 4th to show perceptible change.  Honestly, I don't know what else to do.  The other assistant was like you do everything he tells you to do, you're always working, what else does he want.  He was talking about my confidence and crap.  Like really, he has no idea.  No fucking idea about me and how I feel, everything I go through on a daily basis.  And pretty much told me he has no confidence in my work.  So tell me, how the hell am I supposed to have confidence in my own work?  So I really don't know what to do in order to keep my job.  It's not like I haven't been trying, I've been doing the best I can.  It's just getting harder and harder to keep it all together.  And I don't know what else I can do.  I'm not good at anything.  I'm not even going to talk about my weight, I'm just so upset about it right now I can't write about it, stressed beyond belief about everything, I don't need something to set me off and start crying in front of my family.

Hope your all doing better, take care lovlies.

No one said letting go was gonna be easy

So you all know about my guy troubles.  I feel like half this blog is devoted to that, but it does in turn affect my mood which in turn affects my eating disorder, so it comes full circle.  I finally weighed myself last night 121 lbs! Like WTF  I was 110 lbs last time *cries*  Starting tomorrow I'm going on a "diet" which is what I told my mom.  I bought fruit and yogurt and orange juice for smoothies.  And well I'll just eat fruit at lunch.  Apple slices and grapes.  With water.  I can't believe I let myself gain that much weight.

Anyways!  The whole point of mentioning guys and the title of my post.  Still haven't heard from him.  My emails are still going through which means he should be getting them, hasn't blocked me (which has happened).  But well I don't know about right now but last time his phone was still ringing and was going to voicemail but he hasn't answered any calls, texts, or emails.  I've been preparing myself to just let go and move on but it's just not easy at all. I love him so much, even despite all of this.  I hate this.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I honestly don't know how I'm keeping myself together when I'm just falling apart inside a little more everyday.

Somewhere in my soul I know I'm running scared

Ah havent listened to Love and Theft in so long, but Learning to Fall is such a great song.  SO wayyy too much food being given to us at work for Christmas.  I'm so sick of it all.  Cookies today, and more candy.  I ate half a turkey wrap and some chips for lunch and came home and just had some peppermint and ginger white tea.  Not eating the baked macaroni and cheese.  Like hell no...not gonna happen.  Maybe ill make and egg or two later, get some protein.  I still have yet to weigh myself.  Im too scared, but I'm going to on Saturday when my mom and sister go shopping.  I need to get a reasonable place before I say anything, ugh I want to, I dont know if I can. I'm gonna get back to a normal, well normal for me, eating schedule and if i have to go out to lunch with my coworkers...no more pizza, just healthy stuff.

My dad and sister are ok.  I get that hes nervous about being out of work and his unemployment ending soon...but drinking all night and getting mad at such small things isnt going to help.  I hope he finds something soon.  This is such an awful place to live in the winter if you don't have a year long full time job.  And we still have a lot of winter left, its only just started :(

Hope all you lovlies are doing well!

A big change is coming

I wanted you lovelies to be the first to know. I'm gonna tell my dad about my eating disorder tonight. And possibly giving my two weeks at my awful job. And well I'll see how it goes. I'm still going to be here and supporting all of you, because you have all gotten me through so much, speaking of which I have more to this post later. But just letting you know I wont be disappearing. I just need to do something. I can't keep holding back the years at work and home. Ah breaks over. I'll finish this later tonight!

UPDATE

Ok.  So I didnt do it yet.  And heres why.  Last night my sister came home around 12:20am her and her boyfriend had been at his house trying to get his stuff done for school on the computer and my mom had called and she told her this.  Well she walks in and my dad like flipped.  I guess its cause he had been drinking but I dont know.  He was like Im sick of you being out all night every night and not being with your son and all this stuff.  She said she was leaving and he said if she did then dont come back.  Among other things.  Long story short she went in to bed with the baby and her boyfriend and left before he woke up this morning.  I told him last night when he said sorry to me that im not the one he should be saying it to and he said he didnt have to say it to her, that she needed to hear it from someone.  He went way overboard though.  And i said we all used to be happy and now we're not.  and that I wasnt going to ruin Christmas with telling him how I feel.  I came home and saw my nephew and hes just going to be so excited on Christmas day.  WIth his new Rock and Roll Mickey.  I cant ruin this for everyone yet.  So Im going to wait.  But I have made the choice to tell them, and I will.  That and he was sleeping when I got home and he woke up in a crappy mood anyways. 

I'm scared though.  Like telling them terrifies me.  It's been my secret for so long and now I'm just letting go of it.  I dont know who I am anymore, what I want, where I want to be.  Suddenly I'm going to have to make choices.  I don't want to be in dental, or even in the medical field.  My dad said I should look into cosmetology like my sister.  I had already been thinking about it to be honest.  More independent, away from the boss, and my own work, my own clients.  I dont want to stay in New Jersey anymore either.  I want to go somewhere warm.  If my aunt hadn't fallen and hurt her back I would say Texas.  But well by time I get this all figured out, she'll be better and I could probably stay with her for a bit.  Just a lot to think about, and I don't know how to make it happen :-/

Thank you all so much for the support.  Its gonna be you guys that gets me through this and gives me the courage to tell my parents.  Your all amazing!! <333

nothing new about me

The only thing Im stressed about right now is the boyfriend.  He was supposed to call me yesterday after his drive to his base was over.  Sunday at 6pm my time he said he had about 500 miles left but he was on icy mountain roads so that he would text me after he got there and got some sleep.  Well its now 8 pm on Tuesday.  WTF?!  Im so scared that hes not ok.  I've sent a bunch of texts and one email.   Ugh I just hope I hear something soon.  Im going crazy.

UPDATE:
Im beginning to realize there is a very big possibility that he just broke his phone.  SO im gonna stick with that and trust that his driving skills are good and that well he just doesnt have internet yet.  Wont stop me from checking my email every chance I get, but im gonna be able to sleep with that thought in mind :)

And from my last post and the comments I got.  Im not gonna purge.  I told my boyfriend and he asked me not to.  I liked that it wasnt a command and told me that he actually grew up with someone who died from bulimia.  So i promised him I wouldnt.  I know it wont help in any way that I want it to anyways, it just seems like its nice to have a release.  I think I have one though!  The other assistant asked me to go to this class with her every Tuesday.  Apparantly its pretty intense cause she was pretty sore today.  Im looking forward to it :)  especially since I really wanted to get back in shape for taking classes next year seeing as I want to do athletic training and all...So thank you all!  It means the world to me that you all care so much :)

Back on Track

Ok.  So these past 2 weeks my grandma's been visiting, and I've had to eat.  Last night my dad actually asked me why I dont eat.  Yea last night was Thanksgiving.  And I ate.  Like a pig.  I wanted to purge, so bad, I even told my boyfriend and he was like please don't do that.  So I didn't.  I've never purged though, I'm kinda scared to.  Ugh I can't believe myself.  I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow, I'm so scared if I'm anything above 115 pounds I might cry.  Like really.  I have to lose this weight.  I have to get to 105 pounds.  Then 100 pounds.  And then I'll be happy.  I swear I'll be happy, I have to be.  But I'm never gonna get there if I don't get my control back.  I can't believe I've been eating like that!  No more!  I'm not giving in.  I can't give in.  I will get back on track and I will lose this weight.  I will reach my goals.   

Update

Thank you everyone for your words and thoughts and prayers for my dad.  He's out of the hospital, still needs more tests to be done, but the cardiologist said he didn't have to stay.  She's changing his medication however so we'll see what happens with whatever he's put on.  The Dr.  said his one ventricle (I cant remember the side) is bigger then the other and that he has high blood pressure in his lungs.  But I don't know what any of that means and I guess she didn't really explain it cause he didn't either.  She told him that he's not in danger of a stroke or heart attack now that so I'm very relieved.  He has to go back to his Dr. now and see a blood pressure specialist, so hopefully they can get it under control
I'll keep you all posted on how he's doing as I find out more, but he is home now :)

Im Scared

My daddys in the hospital again.  He was there Friday, me and my sister went with him to the doctors because he was only supposed to get his blood pressure checked and we were going to get a new oven for Thanksgiving.  Well it turned out his BP was super high so he got sent to the hospital in an ambulence and I drove his truck there with my sister.  I think we stayed for 4 hours.  They wanted him to stay but he said no.  So he just went back today and he's staying.  They wanted to do this series of tests that would see if there was damange to his heart and I guess they'll be doing that along with trying to figure out why it's so high despite being on his medication.  They said it was so high that he could have a stroke or a heart attack.  So I'm glad he's staying this time, but I'm really scared somethings gonna happen.  I can't even be home this week because I'm watching a friends house.  I just got off the phone with him and he said he was fine, but he would say that even if he wasn't.  So for now I just have to know he's in the hospital getting the treatment he needs to hopefully get it under control.  I'm still all worried and upset though.

Changes

So its been about a week since I last posted, and well...we're back together.  He says he never did anything with the email and never even got any of the ones I sent (which is good cause those were kind of angry) and only knew I was upset because his friend showed him the text I sent.  He had been in the field the past 20 some days.  It also means his leave got all messed up so he most likely wont be able to come up.  Cant leave till the 15th instead of the 7th which is when he was supposed to be able to sign out.

I havent wieghed myself tho.  I've been so bad, another reason I havent posted, so ashamed of my lack of self control!  But I have a mini fast planned and Im gonna fucking stick to it.  I don't even want to weigh myself to get a pre fast weight, I'm just too scared.  But I have to, so I'm going to tomorrow morning when I'm getting ready for work.

Just watching the CMA's now and talking to him <3  Got a long day ahead of me tomorrow at work, but then its a 3 day weekend and my birthday on Friday.  One more week of work then hes gone on vacation and I'll be working 10-2 doing absolutely nothing except probably cleaning.  He better not say anything about painting those baseboards again...

Take care lovlies!

Damn boys...

I've gained 3 lbs. Like I have half a mind to call his friend and get a hold of him to just bitch about that. Screw the fact that he broke my heart but to make me gain weight too?! So I had a salad for lunch today, and diet soda. Did cave and have one of the fun size kit kat bars the Dr. brought in. But no more. For dinner idk, my best friend doesn't work till Saturday so we've been hanging out and she likes to go out and eat. So maybe more salad, or some soup.

I wish I had more to talk about but I've just been trying to work so I don't think about him. Night is the worst, I just lay in bed and miss him. Wish he was still mine, but know that's never gonna happen. My friend sent me a pic of this quote it says "one day you're going to wake up and realize how much you care about me, and when that day comes I'll be waking up with the guy that already knew." So I know I'll get over this, but I wish it would happen soon.

Well its over between us. I can't fucking believe this, not even an explanation! I sent him an email and I get a delivery fail. He fucking blocked me!! Like what the fuck?!? Everything he told me was just a fucking lie I gues. I don't think I've ever felt do used in my life, not even the whole ordeal with my last ex made me feel as bad as I do right now. I'm too pissed to be upset and cry but we'll see how I feel tmw when I get up.

A Few Steps Forward? Maybe Not

So the other day I never posted about this, but while at work we were doing a filling on the other assistant and she was like "did you two skip breakfast I can hear your stomachs growling!" Well, I don't eat breakfast, or lunch...well in front of them at least, I hate eating in front of people.  So she had commented about that and how they never see me eating.  So the Dr. asks me a question, I doubt he was serious but he asked if I was anorexic.  I was like no of course not, I eat lunch just not breakfast.  How I wish I could have just looked at them and been like well yea.  But we can't very well go out saying that now can we?

Has anyone ever thought of getting help? Living a normal life?  I think about it, but I cant ever bring myself to tell anyone that would be able to help me.  I don't know if I actually want it either.  Anyways, during all my thinking about it and using StumbleUpon (best site ever when your bored) I found a few pics with some encouraging quotes and stuff that I'm gonna post for ya'll.

You Can Break Everything I Am

15 days.  Just 2 weeks before he leaves his base.  Just over 2 weeks before I find out if we're still together.  I'm really worried that I haven't heard anything, the military sucks, being a military girlfriend sucks because your not important enough to hear about anything.  But he's already got leave coming up so I'll have to hear from him by then....I hope.  If not then I'm officially moving on.  It'll be so hard, but I'm not gonna wait.  Watch it'll be then that I hear from him.

I don't have much else going on.  We got this guy at work now, he works the front desk, only other guy in the office is the Dentist.  So yea anyways the other assistant is always asking me about him and I'm like I don't know anything about him we don't really talk!  But she thinks we would be good together.  He's nice enough but so not my type, like too nice I guess, and I can't even think about anyone else except the guy I would move across the country to be with if he wasn't gonna be deployed this summer.

Today wasn't a good food day, so I won't even post what I had, but I took my sister out for her birthday so I had to eat, and then her boyfriend bought us all dinner so I had to eat again.  Tomorrow I'll be at work all day so I think I'm just gonna try not to eat at all then Sunday have a snack or something.  I bought a digital scale finally!  I can't bring it in yet though because of my family :( So hopefully tomorrow I can sneak it in and hide it in my room.  I'm so excited.  I find it sad I'm more excited about a scale then anything else I buy.  Got my eyebrows waxed today finally, my sister had me go to this place she went to, the guy did such a great job, I'm for sure going back and keeping up with them...its funny how much prettier you feel, well how much prettier I feel when I get them done, I feel like I look different, better.  I don't believe people when they tell me I'm pretty.  I don't believe him when he tells me that, or that I'm perfect.  I'm so far from perfect it's not even funny.

I cant believe I'm gonna be 23 next month.  I've been living with this for so long.  I'm gonna let you guys in on a secret, one of my biggest fears is that one day when I have kids (because I want them, and thats another fear that I won't be able to) but that if I have a little girl she'll be just like me.  How would I protect her from this when I can't even protect myself.

Anyone want to offer some advice?  I think I've said I don't want to be a dental assistant forever.  And one thing I've been think of, is being a nanny.  Like I'm not married, I have no kids of my own.  I love kids, I love spending time and watching my nephew.  I could do, like be a full time nanny for a family.  Theres actually one close by...they have a newborn and want someone 40+ hours for around the same pay I'm making now.  I don't know if I should send them a message saying I'm interested in an interview or not though.  I don't want school to be such a waste of money you know?  And I've been trying to stick it out at this office to try and get experience to try and get into an oral surgeons office.  I love assisting surgery...well not with the Dr.  I work with, but the specialty in general.  So should I wait and try and stay for a year and then apply to other offices...or try and get a nanny job...

Well all you lovlies take care!

If Youre Going Through Hell...

Keep on going.  Well I'm going, but don't feel like I'm getting any closer to getting out.  My best friends mom said it perfect today.  Little background info, she's moving with her boyfriend sometime in January, he's graduating in December, and they're moving wherever he manages to get a job in politics.  So anyways, my friend was talking about how she can see her life starting, and she just wants to get to that point already.  And her mom said your life is on hold...both of you.  And she's right.  Granted its for different reasons, I'm not moving in with my boyfriend any time soon though I want to...my life is on hold because I can't figure out whats next.  Until I do, I'm stuck working a job I don't want, still putting money away, but being miserable day after day. 

I changed the title of my blog!  My URL is Falling Down the ED Hole...based upon Alice in Wonderland...well I wanted the title of my blog to kinda go with that, and I feel like I'm stuck in Ana's Wonderland.  Kinda surprised it took me so long to think of lol.

Well I'm gonna take some advice on here, and try and start a budget...you know it really shouldn't be that hard to save, all I get is gas and pay my dad my car insurance...sometimes food, more coffee I guess.  Depends on who I'm with and what I can get away with not eating.  But I don't have any bills yet, I live at home.  But I need to stop shopping really.  It's hard, I feel like I have no friends, and do nothing, I'm always so bored at home.  So sometimes I shop online...well that needs to end.  I'll spend time with my best friend while I still can, and see my other one once summer comes, hopefully sooner if she can come visit. And just make the best of a bad situation and really try to figure out what it is I want to do...and can do.

 I'll keep y'all updated, keep shining lovlies!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but I guess I just don't want to bring you all down.  I wish I had a normal life sometimes...I hate that I don't even have $3000 in the bank, and POS car, and a job I hate, with no idea what I want to do with my life.  On top of all my other problems.  And I still haven't heard from him.  I'm more worried he got sent somewhere with just no time or way to tell me.  This relationship scares the hell out of me sometimes, but I want nothing or no one else.  Just keep your fingers crossed I hear from him soon please and thank you!

My best friend is talking about getting married in 2 years. They havent been together for a year and they already know. Shes moving with him in January. Is it bad I'm jealous?  That all I want is to wake up every morning next to the guy I love, cook dinner for him when he gets home from work (and possibly eat it), to fall asleep in his arms.  And know that everything is going to be ok.  Sorry, I'm just going through a slight depression of missing him.  Most days its fine, I know this isnt permenant...but being the girlfriend sucks...you have no importance in the military unless your married.

So I'm gonna ask you guys, how much do you think is a reasonable amout to have saved up before I decide to really just move away and live by myself...or move with him.  I don't want to depend on him, but I know its not likely I'll find a job right away.  I still need to buy a new car, so thats insurance and payments as well.  It really isn't fun growing up lol. 

Oh!  And my dad.  Well he got fired from his job a few months back (long kinda funny story).  Well he's on unemployment now, our only source of income, and while he still has plenty to be coming in...it's not gonna last, and he's had no luck finding a job.  They either don't want to pay him what he deserves for what he knows, hes not "qualified" meaning certified or licensed even though he knows it, or they just want younger guys.  My mom can't work, she had a stroke when I was 4 and gets social security.  So my dads friend told him about this company that is doing gold mining...in Africa, his friend works as a pilot for them.  They need drill operators and such and my dad can do that.  6 weeks there and 3 weeks home.  My dads really considering it as a last option, like if it came to us losing the house, which is honestly a possiblity here, so many people are.   I really dont want him to be gone for a month and a half and home for just under a month.  I would miss him so much.  But really...I think it's gonna come to that.  He won't tell us how much longer he can be on unemployment, but it's not really enough. 

Well. Thats my life right now.  Missing my boyfriend, hoping to make some kind of change for the better with what I want to do with my life, and my dad possibly working in Africa.

I hope your all doing well...take care lovlies!

Just saying...

I am reading blogs tonight, but its not letting me comment...so I'll comment when i can when im on my phone again...for some reason i can on there, but its so annoying cause its so small.  Anyways!  I am reading all of them right now and im sad i cant comment :( 

But Im Sleeping With the Telephone

Ok so this is such a sad song.  Sleeping With the Telephone by Reba MacEntire, but its what I do.  I miss him a lot.  The other assistant I work with was asking about him today and was like that must be so hard...you must really like him to still be with him though you don't get to see him a lot and now that he's deploying again.  I just smiled and said yea.  But the truth is I love him.  It scares me too.  I've never let anyone in before him.  I thought I did with an ex I wrote about on here, I thought it hurt so much when we broke up and all the drama he put me through.  I thought I was in love with him, but now I know I wasn't.  I know what it's like to be in love now, the thought of losing him hurts so much.  He said it first though.  When his base kept him that week (hes gone again, but I'm not worried about it now, although he does need to get a new phone...) anyways, he told me "I'm in love with you and I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to."  As if I would ever tell him that lol.  Anyways this is more just a vent post because I miss him.  I wish I could be with him all the time.  Ah well, soon enough :)

So I guess I should post my food for today:

Waffels (because my mom made me): 160
Mini soft pretzels (because I broke down at work): 290
Mini veggie corn dogs: 213
Diet coke: 0

Total: 663

Not bad, not under 500 but definitely under 800 which is what I always strive for.  I weighed myself yesterday and I'm back to 110lbs...I had gained a few and was around 114 so I'm happy with the loss.  Now I just need to lose 5 more.

Hope all your all doing great!

Start of a New Day

Today was a good day.  I woke up in a good mood (an amazing feat in itself) extremely tired, but overall in a good mood.  Didn't eat breakfast, I usually don't because I prefer to sleep in as much as I can.  Didn't get time for lunch at work, but really wasn't all that hungry to begin with.  Like I was but the thought of eating just made me nauseous, maybe I'm just tired of eating the same thing at work...got home at 6 and ate a salad for dinner.  One of those pre made one with stuff added to it.  None of them are over 300 calories, its great and they are so good.  I have no idea how many calories I burn during the day standing and walking around  so I can't put any output, but I suppose my total for the day is less?  Maybe not today because I haven't moved since I ate...but for my usual day.

Salad-280
Diet Soda-0

So now I'm kinda hungry, but I'm doing a good job at just avoiding the kitchen and keeping my total at under 300 for the day. I have another salad for dinner tomorrow, but I don't have work so I'm kind of worried about eating more then I should...but I'm going to try to do my best. I really want to lose these last few pounds and meet my first goal....105lbs. I can do this. Another thing I want to start doing is posting thinspo in my posts...so I'm gonna try it since this is the first of the month.

Well Good News!

So after I made that last post, he emailed me.  And everythings ok.  He was on lockdown at his base the whole time.  He feels really bad about how he made me feel and Im telling him its ok he cant help being on lockdown.

But I told him about being anorexic.  Im kinda worried about that conversation.  Im talking to him now, but he's not bringing it up. 

Im so happy right now.  I could dance.  Hahaha. 

I just wanted to let you guys know.  Thank you for being here and listening to me be crazy :)

Im just gonna start moving on.  It will be hard, but I've already started really, I feel less depressed about it everyday.  It also helped that I went and got a tarot card reading today.  So I wasn't sure it would even pan out, like if I would believe it, but he started saying stuff about me and it was all true.  Stuff I tell you guys, but no one else in my life.  I even started crying.  He said that the person in my life is pulling away.  Distance and stress, fighting...I could tell it was going to happen, I just really wish it hadn't.  I still don't know what happened.  But dwelling on it will only make it worse.  The guy wants me to do a spiritual cleansing.  I know my aunt does them, and they seem to help her a lot.  But I know with this...how I am...is it really going to help?  I might do it though.  Just to really try a clear my mind, everything.  I hate feeling so depressed and I want things in my life to start going well.

I hope all you lovlies are doing good, I just wanted to let you know what my decision was with him.  Who knows, if we're meant to be, we'll make it work in the future, but I guess right now, we're just not supposed to be together. 

We Found Love in a Hopeless Place

Well it's been a week since I spoke to him. But I'm not stressing anymore. He told me about a time they made them all stay on base for 9 days before so I'm just gonna wait for now. And hope for the best.

So. I'm a dental assistant. Dont really like my job too much, but it was never my intention to make this my career. But I can't work and go to school at the same time when I'm here 7:30 till sometimes after 5. And I'm working 2 jobs! Tomorrows my first day off in almost a month. I'm excited. But that being said I have no clue what I want to do. I've been thinking about it a lot. I wish I could just go down to visit my aunt in Texas and like it so much I decide to stay. I could bartend...maybe? My dads friend does it and makes a good living off of it, but this has been her area for years, she's got people that follow here to whatever bar she's working at. Receptionist would be nice. I could sit at a computer all day, make appointments and whatnot. I just don't know. I'm tired of not knowing, living at home, driving a crappy car, etc.

Well for lunch today I had a yogurt and bought a sandwich too. I was gonna eat half to make it around 200 cals...well I totally misread that. Its a whopping 750 calories. I almost gagged. So I still only had half, but dinner is probably gonna be a no go and since I'll be out witha friend I can get away with it.

Hope your all doing well!

I feel like today is gonna be another multiple post day. Well I called him, went to voicemail, but didn't ring so his phone is off right? I hope so, so I just emailed him what I wanted to say. I really really hope he answers. At this point I don't care if it's good or bad. Of course I want it to be good. But I just want to know what's up at this point.

Well I'll let you know later if he answers and if he does what he says.

Now on to the food part. Because of the above, I have no appetite at all. Everyone in the office notices and says stuff, the dentist was like you know by not eating your setting yourself up for peptic ulcers blah blah. I don't care. The stress is good, I don't eat. I'll be skinny. And honestly the hunger pains help with the sadness. It's a way of relese where I'm not hurting myself.

I'm just gonna keep going, there's not much else I can do now.

Well it's my first time posting more then once in a day, but I wanted to say thanks to Ell and Fat Piggy...I'm gonna try to not stres over it, and maybe he's got guard tonight, who knows. But I'll call him Tmw on my lunch. I just really really hope he answers.

That being said, I have no appetite whatsoever, which is always good, but I know I have to eat something at home, so I found soup. 200 cals for the whole thing, if I eat it all my dad won't bother me and I'll only be at 510 calories for the day. Maybe I'll finally get over this platau with my weight. I'm so glad I'm not a stress eater.

Thanks again ladies, you really made me feel better :)

I hate feeling so unsure of myself. I haven't spoken to him in 3 days, and I know he's busy at the base and stuff be we usually still talk. So I dont know if something came up or is it me? I look back at the last thing he said and it was don't forget to text me so I can call you Tmw, but he didnt. I really hope something came up and he's just super busy. I can't take being hurt like that again. I know what's going to happen if I do, I'm already feeling awful about myself, I don't need this thrown in the mix too.

I'm sitting at work and just feel like crying. I can't wait to go home.

What I'd Do to Have You Here

It really sucks he's so far away.  I miss him like crazy.  But he is coming up for my birthday :) Just 49 more days.  Unfortunately hes able to make it up here because he's on leave...before moving to another base...on the other side of the country.  Like we really cant get a break, and im not even sure how long he'll be able to stay here for.  But if this is what it takes to be with him, an hour phone call at lunch and emailing at night, then its fine.  At least I get to talk to him almost every night still.  Next August I'll be a mess when he deploys again.

Anyways.  The new job is going well, I'm learning a lot but sometimes I feel so incompetant.  And I know this isnt what I want to do the rest of my working days, it was never meant to be my career, but I have no idea what to do.  I cant go to school full time and work, or even school part time unless I take all night classes, but I have to get up so early for work and night is the only time I can talk to him.  I still have a year anyways, I wanted to work this year and thats what I'll do, then I'll decide.  Hell...I may not even be in this state at that point :) 

I broke down today and had Burger King for lunch, but thats all I've had today period...I'm gonna have to eat dinner, but I dont know what to eat...it's just me and my mom so I can get away with eating anything I want. 

I never thought I could be sad and happy at the same time not regarding myself at all, but I wouldnt give up the feelings for anything right now.

Wish I had more to talk about, but this new job and my old one...I havent had a day off in over 2 weeks!  All I do is work now, so boring.

Take care ladies!

Am I a Sucker?

Probably, but I dont care.  I pulled a risky move to talk to the guy my last post was about, but I did get his attention and we talked for hours, we both decided we want to make this work even thought it's going to be really hard for the next two years.  But I don't care, he's the one I want to be with, he wants to be with me, I can make some sacrifices.  I mean its not like I already don't everyday...

I had half a turkey hoagie today at work because my manager wanted me to get lunch with her, and unfortunately my soda wasn't diet.  But that and the burger at home for dinner was all I had, more then enough in my opinion.

I got the job I wanted, Im not sure if I wrote about it at all.  I start tomorrow, it's a half day at work so I'll be shown the opening procedures and how he works with his assistant, so I'm pretty excited about it :)  It couldnt have come at a better time, my cars acting up now, all it needs is to last a few paychecks and I'll have a decent down payment for a car!

Im at a platau weight wise however, I just cant get past 110lbs.  Im sure it'll be easier once me and my friend start going to the gym though, my only exercise right now is work, and it seems my usual eating just isnt cutting it for weightloss anymore.  Well, that will change soon enough.  I feel awkward about it now.  He wants me to be healthy, happy.  I don't know how.  I'm happy when I'm with him, talking to him, but it doesn't mean I know how to just change what I've been doing since as long as I can remember, what I've always thought about myself.

This is me saying that I'm going to try though.  I'm gonna go to the gym, and try and eat healthy, and be healthy but still look how I want to look...if it's at all possible, I think it is.  It's kinda embarassing I'm such a Miley Cyrus fan haha I know who would of thought it, but even besides that if I wasn't she would still be my thinspiration, I think she's perfect.  That's my goal for now.

Stay beautiful girls!  Take care :)

I wish...

That I didn't lik him so much

That this didn't hurt as much as it does

That I wasn't stupid enough to fall for someone again

That I could just get answer be it good or bad, cause I have no clue what happened

That I wasn't crying

That I didn't care.

oh em gee

SO!

First off I would like to start with saying that I got a job interview on Saturday!!! I'm so excited =D  After I quit my last job I was beginning to think I wouldn't find anything, I wasn't getting any responses.  I'm super nervous though.  I'm just hoping I'm good enough, I feel like what if everything they said is right?

Second! This is more exciting news.  I'm talking to my army guy...YAY!  He's so gorgeous.  And his southern accent, makes me melt everytime I hear it. 

And I guess thats it.  Today wasn't that bad, I'm actually feeling good about myself, and I think he's the reason. 

Life Sucks....

Its official.  My. Life. Sucks.  So the guy I wrote about in my last post contacted me....well he's in a complicated situation, but we're talking again.  Doesn't mean anything really until he can get it fixed, but I'm glad he did, I was really hurt when I thought it was because of me.

My ex though.  Hes all depressed because we arent together.  But I cant go back.  I miss him yea, I'll always care about him yea, but I've moved on.  I dont want him hurt though. I  dont know what to do at all. 

Men....suck

Seriously, can someone tell me what it is with guys?!  First I have my ex making me wish I could get back together with him sometimes, but thats so not where I need to be going.  I had this guy I was really into, and now hes just not even talking to me.  No reason whatsoever.  We had such a great conversation that night before he started guard duty, and now hes online, but i've been blocked...like what the fuck?!  dont tell me you'll dream of me, or that im worth waiting for (cause we were gonna have to wait to actually hang out some cause of him going on duty) and just a whole lot of other stuff....then just totally cut me off...for no reason at all. 

Hurricane Irene is gonna hit too...so we have mandatory evacuations, leaving Friday or Saturday.  Coming home sometime Sunday or Monday depending on how long it stays in the area, its supposedly moving a lot slower then it should be because of some pressure system.  This is just crazy.

Well I guess its ok, anytime I'm upset about some guy I just don't eat...my friend called it the break up diet haha except i wasnt with him, but stupidly got my hopes up.  I feel like I'm never going to find someone who actually cares about me. 

I do what i want when i feel like it

Oh how O wish that was true.  If it was I would be in another state right now, seeing a real great guy.  Going in line with the song of my title.  It has been a while since everything has gone right or i've had any reason at all to smile.  But he makes me smile.  I can't say he makes everything right.  He doesn't even know about me.  About this.  But how do you tell someone about this?  About how I really feel, about what I do? 

It's been a while since I posted so I guess I should update you all.  Some posts back, around December I wrote about my ex who had been harassing me...well he's been texting me recently.  Says everything wasn't said by him and he would never have done that, that he loved me (doubt it) and well anyway he wants to hang out.  I said ok and we had one thing set up, but it didn't pan out, now it's just a bunch of misses.  I'm not even sure if i should see him, but I'm going to.  I won't let anything happen, and I won't ever get back together with him, but if it wasn't him...I don't know.  He said he wants me in his life, and I guess I can do that, in a small way.  No on knows except one friend of mine.  My dad would be so mad, and I can't blame him.  But I'm not a child anymore.  I can make my own choices, I just don't know how to talk to him about that.

Anyways, I gained.  I feel like such a failure.  I don't even want to go to the doctor tomorrow and step on that scale.  Although maybe this will get her off my case a little bit about it.  I'm having such a hard time staying on track though and I don't know why.  I'm just in a spiral and I can't get out.  I feel so lost in myself...

Cowgirls Don't Cry

Well how is everyone?  I hope well.  I think im doing ok...my eating has been pretty good and about as on track as i can be with my hectic schedule...but this new phone app ive been using has been helping out a lot.  Im being a lot more conscience about the choices i make.

Went shopping with my friend today and got some baskets for my stuff for my room, getting a new bed set tonight, and found the bathroom set I want for my own place.  Since im already planning my move out of my parents my friend said i should get it and just pack it away, she has all her stuff packed away from when she was at school and just buys stuff now to add and keeps it with her other stuff.  I think thats a good idea, its less im going to have to spend when I do leave. 

ive found out why that guy i like just suddenly stopped talking to me.  he lost his phone had to get a new one and a new number.  so i emailed him and we're back to talking again :)  it makes me happy for now...so im just going to go with it.  If theres one thing in my life to make me happy then im going to keep it for as long as i can.  Tomorrow is my least favorite day at work as well...Im dreading it so much, cant wait for it to be 5pm Wednesday and its not even 9pm Tuesday yet.

A patient today told me and my doc that he was an intuitive and he actually told me some stuff about myself that was surprising.  told me to take an assertiveness class as well, and hes not the first so im thinking of looking for one at the community college or some place near by.  That and I think I may want to see about getting my aura read or something.  My aunt has and Ive always been interested in doing it.

Well not much going on in my life really.  Me and my friend decided once summers over and the craziness of shoobies and two jobs is over that we're going to join the gym together.  Im excited about getting that started and burning the calories I take in.  I know that will help with this platau that im at...reducing calories as much as i need to is too obvious at work and people have already noticed so i usually eat lunch and a real light dinner like i always do, breakfast depends on the day.  Today has been mostly low calorie snacks...still have 255 calories on my counter for the day, they have me at 1200 but I usally dont eat that much, some days I do, but thats my max.

I guess thats it for this post.  I'm glad its on a happier note then my last post.  Take care everyone!

Im No Beauty Queen

Well...I can't say I've been good lately.  I always start the day doing really well, and then my friend calls me up, and she always wants to go out and eat.  Milkshakes and fast food and blah blah blah.  Then to eat dinner at her house as well, although her mom makes healthy foods.  Today I guess I did ok.  I had like 3 bites of fruit at lunch, stressful day at work, then my bloodsugar was low so I got a small turkey hoagie at the store on the way home.  And just a little bit of dinner.   So I'm done eating for the day, but it was still too much.  If I hadn't gotten that turkey sandwhich I wouldn't be so mad at myself. 

I need to get to the gym or a yoga class.  I'm just waiting till Friday when my check is deposited into my bank account to see how much I'll be making at work....roughly, I get done work at all sorts of times depending on when the last patient is finished.  So I'm not really sure if it's actually a 40 hour work week, but I know thats what I need...I might not actually last much longer at this office.  I hate the way it's run, and that there are 4 different dentist's that I have to work with.  I want a smaller private office where I just work with one dentist and my hours are actually set.  But I can't really leave yet.  I want to try and stay until around January but if I just last until summers over then I guess that will have to do.  I should have just listened to everyone when they told me not to go there.  I'm going to write a letter and my resume to one of the offices I was at for school asking him if he'll keep me on file should he ever be looking for another assistant.

So I had to delete all my progress photos on my camera because my parents were using it at my graduation.  So I guess it's good in a way, they weren't consistent.  So I'm just going to charge it up, upload all my photos and delete them then start over...and take one every week to see how I'm doing.  And hopefully I'll get on here everyday so I can post what I've been eating.  And once I post it at night, I'm not eating anything else for the night. No more of this ridiculous night eating.  It's so out of hand and I don't even know why, it's something new.  Ugh  I just need to write down a meal plan for the week and hang it up, not just keep it in my head cause then I can just change it and that doesn't help or work at all. 

Keep the comments coming and take care everyone!

But When I'm Alone...No One Hears Me Cry

I'm feeling really depressed and just angry at myself tonight.  I'm still under the weight that I refuse to be above but I feel like I look heavier then I was then.  Everything about me is just...big.  And I can't fix it no matter how hard I try.  I can't fix myself, and I hate myself.  I hate waiting for everyone to fall asleep just so I can cry and know that no one is going to hear me, I hate answering questions about why I'm not hungry, and did I eat dinner after work before I came home.  I can feel the control I have slipping away and I'm closer to tears everytime someone talks to me about me.  I really don't know how much longer I can do this. I hate who I see when I look in the mirror.

Ugh and today shouldn't even be bad, the office was great, everyone was nice and I'm learning where everything is.  But if it's one thing I've learned...its everything in my life can be going great, perfect even.  But I'll never even be close to being ok.

New Beginnings

Well I graduate school on Wednesday.  And Friday I was offered a job.  It's full time and I'll be making good money and still working on the boardwalk at night.  So I'll be able to put a lot of money away this summer.  I can't believe this part of my life is actually finally falling into place.  It kind of upsets me that I don't have anyone special to share it with.  That guy that I said I was going to give another chance to, well he just stopped talking to me.  So I stopped sending texts and didn't get anything.  Doesn't really surprise me though.

I'm thinking that if I put enough money away and get a car with low payments, that I might actually be able to find a place of my own this winter. I don't know if I'll be able to do it alone, but my friend will be staying home for grad school...says it makes no sense to get an apartment for classes only 2 days a week when she can just commute and save money.  But places down here are cheaper in the winter, and a small house is really just the same amount as an apartment on the islands, except those go up in the summer because of the beach.

So this job tomorrow.  I'm really nervous, only because it's going to be my frist time in an office not as a student but as an employee, but I know they won't just throw me in on my first day.  Me and a friend from school both applied but only I got the job, she did get a job at another office though.  I still wish it could have been both of us, that would have made it less nervewracking.

I'm gonna end this here because I want it to be a relatively happy post because of the job.  Hope your all doing well, and I'll try to post more and stay updated on whats going on!

Run don't walk the sky is Falling

So I started my morning with a bagel....it was only 110 calories!  I bought those new bagel thins.  Unfortunately I had to use regualr butter...I'm gonna buy some low cal foods when I'm watching my aunts house this week.  And V8 Splash for only 50 calories a cup....gatorade 2...hmm I'm not sure what else I should get...I probably won't be eating much anyways since I won't have anyone there asking me why I'm not eating.

My test is in a week! I'm so beyond nervous, I have to work all week and will only be able to study after work, but then again I will have the house to myself except for my friend and she can help me study by going over flashcards.  I also sent my resume to another office tonight, I really hope I hear from them, I'm really starting to get discouraged with this job search.  The one office I really liked never said anything back.  I'm gonna go out Tuesday as well and just drop off my resume to a few places.

I hope my aunt has a scale at her house...this would be the perfect week to start trying to reach my goal by graduation or even better I could go past my goal.  What worries me is stress.  Stress makes the body produce cortisol which promotes stomach fat, and I really don't want that at all.  I'm always stressed.  It sucks.  A lot.

I guess thats all I have to say tonight.

Happy Day

So it's really only a happy day because this is the first post on my new laptop.  Still have to go get my blood work done.  The weekend I went to the doctor I got really sick and had a fever all weekend, couldn't really walk cause i was just feeling blah and in pain but I'm glad it was only two days.  Sadly I had to gain a few pounds to go see my doctor so now I have to lose it again before my pinning and graduation ceremony.  Hopefully it won't be too difficult...

Anyways that guy is gonna be home again for Memorial Day weekend and I'll be watching my aunts house so I won't have to worry about being home late or answering any questions too see him.  Except my two friends will be staying with me maybe.  The one knows about him and she wants to stay for sure, the other doesn't  and she may or may not be able to stay, or even come down now because of some family issues.  I'm even more nervous now because it didn't happen the first time.  I actaully asked him what he was looking for with us because my ex has me all messed up.  He was like I want to get know you more and work towards a great relationship.  I'm not used to such nice guys, it's actually a refreshing change.  Sometimes I just don't know how to answer though cause I'm used to dating such assholes and he's not.

So as of i guess almost 2 weeks ago, the doctor's scale said I was 116...I guess my home scale isn't working so I don't know what I really weigh now.  I really want to buy a digital scale for my room.  But anyways, I'm gonna start walking after dinner again every night and work up to running.  My friend is in Indiana for the next week and a half but when she gets back we're gonna work out a gym schedule, and I have a few work outs I can do at home for when I can't make it to the gym and for when she's away.  I'm also going food shopping for my own stuff since I'll be back at work this weekend hopefully full time soon, and then part time if I find my dental job.  I really hope I do, I need the money.

I guess thats it....I'm pretty boring this week, hopefully I'll have some stories from later this weekend be them good or bad. 

Should I even bother?

Ok so I had a post before this but deleted it because it was way too depressing. So. That guy. I texted him. He said he thought I forgot about him and I guess he didn't get any of my other texts that I sent him. But do I really want to go down this road? He did apologize for not texting me either. I'm not even gonna worry about it right now. I have way more important things then a nonexistent relationship. Whatever happens happens. Could be something works out with him, could be I fall for someone else.

I have to go to the doctor on thursday about me passing out. What am I supposed to say, oh sorry, I don't really take good care of myself you know? I'm just feeling weak and tired lately. Stressed and not hungry, forcing myself to eat normally in front of certain people. I did manage to get to a size 2 at American Eagle though! I'm pretty proud about that. What I'm most worried about thursday isn't her saying anything about my weight, it's the blood work coming back saying I'm diabetic, its on my dads side of the family...but my grandma doesn't have it, her sisters do. But most people think it's my bloodsugar dropping. I dont know what my levels are or if it's ever been too high. Could be, I tend to ignore all medical symptoms...

Well, I'm gonna go to bed I think...just exhausted...physically and mentally.

You blew your chance to rock my night away

So here I am Sunday, and my date isn't happening. I didnt think it would after he never answered my text and then never texted me at all, since Monday. Don't get what happened at all...well he probably met someone better. I don't care. Not the first time it hasn't worked out with someone I'll find someone else.

Since it's mothers day, me and my momma are going for a walk on the boardwalk. It was supposed to rain today but it's so nice out. It's a nice change, it's been crappy out lately. Unfortunatly I STILL have this bruise on my leg, so I'm not looking forward to wearing shorts. And I need to tone up my thighs. My arms look nice from carrying my nephew all the time lol. I just need to go to the gym, but, confession time...never been to one! Lol I'm too self conscious to go by myself and I really dont know what to do.

Today food wise will probably be on the higher end of my calorie limit but still a good day. I'm just having fish for dinner and had two, well im not sure what they're called. Fried eggs in the center a piece of bread. Too much butter but I can deal. I didn't have my cappuccino at work today. So I'll only be eating twice today. I'm thinking of going on a semi liquid fast. Like breakfast and lunch, i can't get away with it at dinner. But for most of the day, it should be ok right?

I just want to lose myself

I feel so unsure about my life right now. My dad told me how proud he is of me and that in this crazy house I'm his rock...I wanted to say how can I be your rock when I don't have anything in my life in order. Anyways, it makes me feel so bad, because of what I do to myself. But I can't stop now.

Today for dinner I had one small piece of marinated chicken, skipped the Mac and cheese. And some ice cream. I'm hungry though. Im gonna see if there's any kiwi in the fridge. Can't have cereal because there's no milk, not that I want the whole milk anyways. Spent my last $9 on gas to get to the office today, I get paid tomorrow but it's only $100, and I'm trying to save not spend.

I'm seeing my army guy on Sunday. I'm so beyond nervous, I'm not looking anything like I wanted to. I can't seem to get a flat lower stomach no matter what i do. I need to start walking with my mom again. I need to do something. I have to lie to my parents about where I'll be to see him, it's supposed to rain, and I have no clue what to do with him. I feel like it's gonna be a disaster and I'm stressing so much that somethings gonna go wrong.

So yea, I started looking at jobs and apartments in Virginia Beach won't be going this year or even next...but maybe in the next two years, I'll be able to make the move. I can start planning now, putting money aside for when I'm looking for a job...I need a change. I need to run away from myself.

So many guys!

I swear I'm not a slut, I've only slept with 2 guys and I'm 22. And to be honest neither of those guys were anything special. The first time I did it just to get it over with. Anyways I don't want to use names...so I have the older guy that I'm so into, and possibly seeing this weekend, but not totally sure what he wants from me. And another guy, hes only a year older and so hot. Well they both are. One is really nice and seems to really care about me and the other is well a cliche bad boy with one thing on his mind about 90% of the time, but still cares too. I don't know what to do. Right now I'm not invested in either one because no ones talked about getting serious, and honestly I'm not willing to put myself out there and get hurt anymore then I am. I guess I'll just keep talking to both right now, but I think the older guy is the better choice in the long run, he's not a player.

But aren't we all attracted to the bad boy player? I know I am, look at my dating past.

I'll be fine I swear, I'm just gone beyond repair

In regards to my last post about my dad, I do just want to say I've always been extremely efficant at hiding my feelings. People call me an ice queen because they can't read me, and I rarely let tha wall crack in front of people. And when i do most don't notice, my dad does. It's hard to try and help someone when they don't listen. Writing that post I was just mad. It's true back then he didn't notice, but I didn't start not eating until high school. I went to a catholic grade school and I tried to keep my lunch money and not buy anything but they made me a peanut butter sandwich and called home. High school no one cares if you don't eat. I guess I'm saying all this because I was fighting with him last night about my ex and how I didn't tell him how he was harassing me and I said a lot of stuff I wish i could take back. I honestly wish I had never met him. But really what do I tell my dad? I've been hiding stuff from you for years? That I'm upset not because of this but because I ate too much, that i cant hold myself together not because of him but because of myself? I don't even know who I am anymore. My whole life has been spent comparing myself to those fucking popular girls who always got the guy, who put down girls like me. So I built up my ice queen persona. And I made it my mission to look better, skinnier. I have more control then they ever will.

But who am I?

Easter...

How could I forget about Easter! There goes my fast, my dads home this weekend. But! I only had 520 calories today, I stop eating after 7 because I go to bed at 10. My boss always buys me a 12 ounce French vanilla cappuccino from wawa. That's 220 (shudders) but it did get me through the day, I only had a piece of gum (5). Once I got home I had a chocolate drink with skim milk (60 and 80) and half a piece of Tyson chicken (75) and a yogurt (80). I couldn't go for a walk with my mom because my ankle is bothering me, but I feel good about today being under 800 calories. And I haven't even felt hungry most of the day.

Tomorrow I'm thinking of having 2 egg whites because i do need to finish those before Wednesday and a piece of dry toast and then not eating again until dinner. Ugh dinner, I hate these huge family meals. It's ham and I'm sure mashed potatoes, candied yams, and some kind of green beans. My mom also bought crescent rolls. I won't know the calorie count for dinner which always pisses me off but I'll keep my portions small and with breakfast only being 120 I think I'll be fine.

My dad made me eat 2 slices of pizza for dinner. Like really? These past two days I've actually been doing good, and why bother notice now?! Why do anything now, where were you when I fucking 7 and crying to myself that I didn't look like the popular girls, that I was too fat to be one of them? I wish I could bring myself to purge, I feel so sick and heavy. I hate pizza, it's so greasy. Im glad I have work tomorrow, I won't have to eat at all until around 5, if I do at all. No, I'm just gonna make it a fasting day. And sunday. That will be good, and i know I'll feel better after.

Tomorrow im also going to get a tanning package, i told my friend she could come if she wants because she's home for the weekend, and she was all why go tanning? Wait and do it when I'm home for summer, it's bad for you, blah blah. I really wanted to say i do enough to my body already that I'm not too worried about tanning maybe once or twice every other week until sound June when i can actually go to the beach (If and only if I look good enough). But i couldn't say that. I can't ever say that.

I've been getting headaches a lot lately too, like they've always been frequent but not every night. So I've just been going to bed early because it hurts too much to even stay awake. Oh! I put anorexia into the search on fanfiction.net and read a bunch of poems. Insist I could express how I feel like that, but for now I'm happy with my blog, at least I'm not keeping it all inside.

Good Day!

Ah it feels good to be back. I've always been proud of my self control, but recently its been lacking and that made me depressed which made it worse. But today was good. I got up at 7 and had 2 scrambled egg whites, skipped lunch and had a sugar free carnation drink with skim milk when I got home around 3:30ish, allowed myself 2 peeps because they're only 28 each. I was under 300 for it all. So dinner I had a cod fillet, only 80 cals, a few carrot slices and maybe more mashed potatoes then I should have, but considering how few calories I had all it's ok. I might have a yogurt for dessert before bed, another 80 cals, but we'll see.

I was going to go get the probiotics and abdominal cuts pills today but I had my sister with me so I couldnt. Not sure when I'll go, but I want to see how fast I drop with cutting back before I start taking them. I also ordered a lot of stuff from Avon lol, so I have to be able to pay for that although I know if I don't have it all she'll be fine considering she's been a family friend since before i was born. I'm excited about the perfume!

I love good days because for once I feel good about myself if only a few hours. I don't want to sit in the shower and cry because no one can hear me, or look at myself in disgust. I can say that I didn't over eat, that I don't feel like a blimp, that I'm on the right track.

Summer...

Well it's almost time for summer, and I live at the beach. So I spend a lot of time at the beach. It's time to get serious. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning (like I always do...) but ugh my thighs are huge. And I'm bloated. Granted my period should be coming tomorrow, lovely birth control pills, so I have to stop at cvs tomorrow anyways i'll just get some diuretics too. I'm also thinking of trying those Abdominal Cuts pills and see how they work. GNC is just next door to cvs lol.

Saturday I'm going to the tanning salon, 20% off packages...I don't want to go everyday or even every week but a few times so I'm not deathly pale by summer would be nice. My best friend might come too, we've hardly talked since she moved in with her boyfriend and we're both like I miss you! I hope we get to hang out some.

So today started off really bad food wise, i won't even go into detail. But I've decided no meat. Fish is ok, it's better for you and less calories, less fat. I had a tilapia fillet (frozen...buy 80 cals. Comes 2 in a pack so I'll probably buy a few boxes) and a kiwi for dessert. I've got tmw almost planned out, still adding up calories and trying to come up with alternatives. I'll update you tomorrow on how it goes!

Why. Me.

So not only do I have like no voice at this point in time. This guy I used to hook up with is texting me again. He just broke up with his girlfriend. And I get a text. Like really he couldnt ask me out, but he asks her out...granted he was still trying to text me but I told him no way. So tonight he's like are you avoiding me? And I was like no it's just hard with one car and 3 people using it and I can't tonight cause i go to bed at 10 (I'm usually exhausted before 10 but then people would question it and say maybe if you ate you would have more energy). So I said I would text him tomorrow. I'm not really interested in him, I'm interested in this guy I wrote about a few posts ago, the guy in the army. He's gonna be home for 3 weeks no later then the 18th :D. But the point is I'm too nice of a person to say anything to this guy. He had his chance and he never asked me out. I even asked him where we were headed and he was like i don't know. Now I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being used by guys for just a good time. I found someone who actually might care about me and now he comes back. Ugh. I wish my friend could text, she's dating his brother, but her phone isn't working.

Anyways. Today was a horrible day food wise. Not only did I binge, it wasn't even a good binge like on fruits or vegetables. It was all crappy food that has left me feeling so sick. I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow, but in taking it super light tomorrow regardless. Well it's 10:30 and I'm beyond tired, I'm gonna end this bad day and just go to bed.

Time Bomb

Any all time low fans? Yea i've been listening to this song like every time I'm in the car. The one part goes "And if I had to pull you out of the wreckage you know I'm never gonna let you go". I can't help but wish i had someone to pull me out of the wreckage of my life.

Still not feeling any better. Did get a surprising day off however which was a nice surprise. I got homework done and found out it's gonna take $70 just to find out what's wrong with my computer. My dad said he would go halfway on a new laptop though, at first i said no, but I think im going to. I would like to post on here from something other then my phone. Anyways. I think I only have 1 more week at this office. I'm scared of my evaluation cause I haven't sat with him once other then extractions. I stayed home sick yesterday and was off today. And if this was my last week? Well oh well I guess? One bad evaluation won't kill me.

I'm gonna weigh myself on Sunday. Hopefully I'll be feeling better and we'll see how much i lost from just being sick. For once I looked in the mirror today and actually saw slight signs of improvement. Still, I need to lose more if I'm gonna look even close to nice for this summer.

Sick

Ugh since ive been in school, a program at my old high school, Ive been so sick. This is the second time I've had what I think is a sinus infection. My head feels like it's gonna explode everytime I sit up. At least tomorrow I get to go buy something for it. I have no money this week cause I had to pay off school, but I'm so glad I'm finally done!

I weighed myself for the first time cause i've been so scared, I'm still around 113. I wish I had a digital scale :(. But I'm under 115 so I'm happy. All this running around on clinicals is helping me maintain. But I'm trying to get back to a better eating schedule, eating only what I have to, but trying not to skip out too much cause then I just end up binging. Then it's a while downward spiral of depression and too much self hatred.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really be happy with myself and my life. Right now it seems like such an unobtainable goal. I seriously envy those who can look in a mirror and actually like what they see, and go out and not worry what everyone is thinking when they see them.

Been a little while

So it's been a while since my last post. Writing this, I haven't checked and don't even remember what I last wrote about. EDIT- just looked at my last post, yea he's gonna be home next month :). And in regrads to the next paragraph, well...we'll see what happens with him. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I finished up my first rotation for school, and I'm now 2 days into my second. It's not bad, I like the place, not sure if I would want to work there though. But at the same time, at this point a jobs a job if they offer.

Guys in my life have moved on. One I've written about most on here, he's got a girlfriend now. Super happy for him cause he deserves it. But he was all, I'll never find anyone like you, I don't know what I'm gonna do without you. Now he's all I love you, your the most amazing person, to her. And I'm like well told you that you would find someone! I mean, I know I'm nothing special. I've known that for years. Still it sucks being right about knowing he'll find happiness and I won't. People always leave. I know I push them away, I don't need them getting close enough and finding out, but really, who wants to be alone? I want to find that person who will stay.

Anyways, so i've been maintaining around 110-113. Not on a diet or counting big time. Like I don't count all the calories in one meal, but smaller things, like snacks, salads, that make up my diet. Trying to get back on track though. I've ben so out of it and unfocused, I don't know what's wrong, but I hope I figure it out soon.

Couldn't be happier right now!

Finally got an email back from the most amazing guy ever. He's in Iraq right now and when it had been over a week from when I had last heard from him I was getting so worried. But I woke up today to one and I can say it really made my day. Even eating a little more then I wanted couldn't bring me down today :)

New year same drama.

Nothing great going on in my life. Next big state test coming up on Friday, still dealing with boy drama. And they say girls are clingy?! Like really, it's all over this all just needs to end. I just want to let it all go and move on...but he won't. Whatever, hopefully it's done now. Met a new guy, taking it SLOW this time, and not telling him anything about my eating disorder.

Took some of my stats today, so I guess I'll post them now for the beginning of the year and see where I'm at next time I decide to.
Weight-110 lbs
Height-5'4"
BMI-18.9
Body Fat %-15.22

I'm actually pretty please with the percentage, it's lower then I thought it was going to be, and I know my BMI will drop, I mean it's only 2 more pounds till I'm actually considered underweight again. I havent gotten my period yet either which kind of concerns me cause I don't want to be pregnant, but it was safe, nothing went wrong. I'm just being paranoid I guess, I'm actually wondering if I've lost it? I've always been on the pill, but I lost Decembers pack...I go back on Thursday for the next 6 months...but I can't start them until I get it. Ugh I don't know what to do. She's gonna weigh me to get them, so I'm thinking I might have to gain a few pounds, I can drop it again fast.

Well I'm going to bed, it's about the only time I'm not stressed.