A Little Bit Stronger

Ok. So I'm a total country girl. But Sarah Evans song a little bit stronger is like my theme song right now. What is it with guys?!? He told me, I know you aren't in a place where a relationship with me is an option. As if it's cause of my ED. No, I told him friendship is all I feel for him. And he was all I'm at peace with it. It used to make me mad but not anymore. LIES. Ok so Thanksgiving, not my favorite holiday...but I'm still relaxing with family, enjoying time at home. Do I really need to be blindsided with "i think I'm starting to hate you because you don't want to be with me". And how when i do meet someone he can't talk to me cause he really will hate me. Even though he had a girl spending the night. Like talk about hypocritical! This all really wouldn't bother me so much if i hadn't trusted him enough to tell him just about everything about my ED. And he used it against me, on two different occasions. I can honestly say no guy has ever made me feel worse about myself. But I refuse to let him get the better of me. Each day I'll get a little bit stronger and won't let him affect me. I won't let any guy affect me like that again.

Uhm really?

One word I'm not ready to hear? Pregnant. How could I be so stupid? Ugh I'm so nervous about having to go buy a test tomorrow and take it. I still have to take it again in 5 days to make sure. It's just not the time for this, but if it happens it happens. Even though the father wouldn't be involved at all. He's so stupid I could never feel comfortable leaving a child with him let alone my own. No job, not in school, going no where.

Still, just thinking about makes me want to cry cause right now I just cant imagine how I can make it work. I don't even have insurance. I'm trying, I mean that's what schools for, but I'm not done yet. I know I can do it. But it's way earlier then I ever wanted to.

This is all IF it's positive. Like I honestly have no idea how big or small the risks are for me right now. But please God, let it be low and let me not be pregnant.

Dont Even Have One

How did I get so far off track? I haven't gained though, which is good, I lost. I dunno I guess binging occasionally is good to junpstart the metabolism...still makes me feel like a whale. I'm 114, was stuck in limbo for a while going from 115-117, but a lbs a lb. A start. Not where I want to be, but finally moving.

On a non Ed related subject, got my infection control scores today and I got a 749. I needed 400 to pass and 900 is the best, so that's one thing to feel proud of.

Anyways I've been having crazy heart palpitations and craving salt like no tomorrow ( low blood pressure?!) been eating mostly white rice and salt when I can get away with it and homemade eggdrop soup (60). Did nutrition in school and just focused on the vitamins myself,I think I underlined maybe 3 or 4 deficiencies in all but 2 on the list. Never really thought about it till it was right there in front of me, so im gonna start taking a multi.

Im thinking of quitting smoking too...we'll see how long that lasts.

Sometimes I really do wonder when my life spiraled so out of control.

I Am...

Weak.
Selfish.
Manipulative.
A liar.
Unreliable.

A Failure.

"you have nothing to feel bad for"

I wish that was true. In reality, I have everything to feel bad about. I fucked my life up. And I don't know how to fix it now. I can't eat without feeling like a failure. I know my family knows somethings up, but really what can they do, no one can force me to do anything. But it hurts me that I hurt them, cause they're the last ones I want to hurt.

I can't even make a relationship work with a great guy. I can't make myself like him. He says he feels like he could fall in love with me, and I can't feel the same. I wonder if I wasn't such a freak if I would like him. I really don't know to be honest. The attraction just isn't there. And as much as personality matters, and his is great. You still need to have an attraction. But talking to someone else means losing him. He said when and if I meet someone else, then he's out of my life permanently. Like really, my whole self worth is already entirely fucked up, now your gonna make me choose between a potential future and someone I've come to think of as a best friend, someone I depend on?! I feel like crying everytime I think about it.

Hell I feel like crying everytime I think about my life and what it's become.