Once a screw up always a screw up

Warning.  This is a mindless rant.


I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate that I can't do anything right at all regardless of whether its family, friends, work, a relationship, anything.  I fuck everything up every single fucking time.  I'm a at fucking worthless pig and I don't deserve to even be sitting on this floor writing this post that I doubt anyone is going to read cause I'm just that unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  I should just end it all.  Everyone would be so much happier that way.  One less idiot to worry about.

Trouble trouble trouble

Its been a while.  A long while.  I havent forgotten about you ladies.  I've just been in a world of chaos.  Trying to get better and now down to 106 lbs...I eat maybe once a day if im lucky and when I do I cant finish a meal.  I don't even know how it all started, I was doing pretty good.  Well...I know stress and anxiety is what started it all...then I just fell back into things. 

I guess I should update you all a bit.  Im somewhat engaged.  Things have hit a rough spot and we're working on them, but any plans we may have had I've put on hold.  Its weird, he's hurt me emotionally, but he needs me as much as I need him...its not his fault so I stay.  He always makes up for it, I just hope now that things are hopefully fixed, they stay that way.  Got fired from my dental job with the asshole I was working for, best thing that happened to me except losing the income.  The other day I got a call from an office looking to set up an interview however.   She was supposed to call me back then never did...Im sick so I actually slept a lot longer then I intended to today and never got to call her back, so tomorrow thats a must.  I miss having a full time job and a decent pay check.   I cant really complain...my old boss took me back and I get like 16 hours a week, do some morning babysitting for her son...but getting paid at the end of the month doesnt pay bills or for gas.  And the 16 hours a week went out the window with Hurricane Sandy...I'm just glad the store is finally coming together again and we'll all be back to work.

Anyone remember L...the guy who broke my heart...well he came back, then disappered, then I found out about all the lies he was telling me and I dont feel so broken hearted over it all anymore.  I wish I could just find happiness...maybe its not in the books for me, maybe me and my guy will get over all our issues and we'll both be happy....I know he's the one I want to be with...I hope things are ok now.

Well hopefully the trouble trouble trouble title was enough to say that this wouldnt be an entirely happy post lol.....hope your all doing great and I'll try to not disapper again.  xoxo

Well I'm a god awful blogger now aren't I. So much has happened. I'm actually back with L, he asked me to marry him, but it's not my proposal...cause he's deployed. But he wanted to ask anyway I guess lol. I gained like 3 lbs, be easy to lose if I didn't have people watching me all the time :( but I'll find a way. Once fall comes it won't be as noticeable cause I won't be wearing shorts and summer clothes. But more serious news. I have to see a cardiologist. I read the referall and it's for an ECG for tachycardia. I know that's all my fault pretty much, but can't really do anything about that now. I need to find a low cal lunch I can eat every day, and easy to make, I never make it the night before and no time in the morning to really make anything. But if I don't eat at lunch I binge at night. I already don't eat in the morning. I can do this. I can get back on track. I will do it.

Life Advice Needed

Ok.  So back in March I changed my address to my aunts, applied to a school for pre-nursing, just found out all my info is in, and just awaiting the total for my finacial aid award.  All sounds great doesn't it.  I'm debating if it's what I really want to do.  All through school last year, my plan was to work this year and save save save, (unfortunatly life got in the way there, I am getting back on track) and move to VA Beach which would have been in the fall.  I have almost everything I need except the finances at this point, and well I'm not job searching.  My conflict is...do I go to PA and go to school for 2 years then move down, with a major I possibly am not going to want...and well risk not having a major if I choose nursing isn't for me.  Or do I stay in Jersey and work another year and keep saving (im also reading this finance book, and budgeting stuff so I can maximize my saving and minimize my spending while getting everything paid and building credit), and then start looking into moving to VA where I could establish residency and if I so choose go to school...theres a school there which has Dental Hygiene, Exercsie Science (which was my other choice), and Nursing.  So if I go to PA, I could always transfer my credits there as well...but I believe I would be in PA for more then 2 years.   This seems like such a trivial problem, but I really don't want to waste my time or money on something that I'm unsure of.  The only thing that I am sure of is I want to move to Virginia Beach.

I wish I had something productive to say.  I don't. I haven't been doing anything...at all.  Trying to maintain my eating, missing that asshole who broke my heart.  Why is it so damn hard to get over him??  I hate being told I'm pretty and can "get any guy I want"  There's only one guy I want.  He doesn't want me, and well it doesn't seem like anyone else does either.  Well, why would anyone want to be with me anyway.  Ugh, I just can't shake this mood at all.

Such is Life

SO I apologize for disappearing!  There really hasnt been much going on.  Actually talked to L.  Got my answers, not getting back together and well....I feel fine about it.  I guess I really just needed that closure.  So, after 2 rejections so close to each other...I slept with my airforce guy (kinda worried about that...) and he bought me dinner on Saturday.  That was nice.  Met this guy I've dubbed the liquor store hottie.  Tall, dark, handsome, and according to my dad- crazy partier.  Let me tell you...I could fall for that haha.  Last time I saw him he did his usual teasing, stealing my ID, whic he doesn't need, he knows how old I am...and well not giving it back, he just looks at it.  And then he goes so you know your a very pretty girl...I was doing a happy dance in my head let me tell you.  I would be excited even if I only got to sleep with him, I dunno get the feeling it would be a good time. 

So thats the extent of my life.  Summers coming up, pretty much been maitaining my weight which is ok.  Been tanning, so I know I look good.  I'm ready for this summer with my best friend, and all the hot guys we can get....if I get my liquor store hottie though I'll be ecstatic.

Hope your all doing great!  And thanks to you guys who commented on my last post, I sure did need those :)

Well...what an end to an already sucky day. That guy I liked.  Well he had been talking to some other girl behind my back...all while having no problem sending me pics of himself, getting ones of me...skyping...and not regular skyping.  Making plans to come down here...and not just go out to dinner and see a movie.  Like really, we were having sex and he's trying to form a relationship with someone else?!?  He said they had been dating for 2 weeks now.  Well let me tell you, he's obviously already cheated on her then.  I'm livid.  I hate being lied to...I'm not even mad that he's with someone else.  I'm mad that he told me he didn't want a relationship then used me while he was talking to her, because it long distance and he cant get any from her I guess.

Apathy

I just dont care anymore.  About anything.  Its the only way to get through this, through my life.  Wanting hurts.  I want to be thin, I want to be wanted and loved.  I want to be beautiful...not sexy or hot.  Yea sure those are nice when the time is right.  But I want to be called beautiful, its an entirely different connation.  But I guess I'm not.  I guess I'm only good for one thing.  So I just don't care anymore.  I'll go through the steps of my life, but I'm done giving a shit.  I'm done trying to get better, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want.  And if that means I'm not going to eat then they can fucking deal with it.  It's my life, and they never took any interest in it before even when I was being obvious about it praying someone would say something.  It took me saying it only to stop a fight and I wasnt even a part of.  And even now no one really cares.  So why the hell should I?   Theres only one thing...person I cant stop caring about, but hes the one I need to forget the most.  He's obviously forgotten me.

So I went to the Dr yesterday, had to weigh myself...116 lbs.  Ugh I hate that number SO much.  And I had to eat today...I really need to figure something out, I need to drop those 6 lbs.  Anyway I wont even bother posting what I ate today and depress myself even more then I already am at the moment.  Cleaned my room today, thats a plus, I cant believe its so clean right now...I really have to keep it like this from now on.  I also went out and bought a Ball Python on a whim.  Gotta get him a few more things, but I cleaned and disinfected the old tank I have and now hes all settled in.  For just eating today he is really active, but I think its just him being in a new area, and its night so hes going to be.  I named him Niko...if I can get my camera to work I'll post some pics of him later. 

I miss L so fucking much its not even funny.  Am I ever going to get over him?  Even though I really like this new guy...K.  When Im with or talking to K I dont think about L...but I do every other time...stupid songs remind me of him and just...everything.  I hate that hes everywhere and not even here.  I still hold my breath when I check my email, just hoping that I do and dont have something from him.  I have old pics on my phone of him...and a screen shot where when i had it set so i could see a preview of the text...and all he said was I love you.  So I kept it...i look at that a lot, cause i love him still so much it hurts.  That new Carrie Underwood song, Good Girl, yea the part where she says forever dont mean much.  So true.  He said forever to me, and look where I am now.  Missing him.  I hate that I dont even know if hes deploying in August or not, Im gonna be such a wreck then.  Well does me no good thinking about it now does it.

Hope your all doing great!

Sorry I havent posted.  I met a brand new guy, we went out all day yesterday, hes great, except hes not looking for a relationship.  I mean, Im not either...but I can see myself wanting one with him.  Hes like whatever happens happens you know?  Im like yea totally. But inside Im like not again.  Can I do this again?  I dont care if I cant, Im going to.  It might totally break me, but honestly, no one can hurt me more then I hurt myself.  I had a yogurt and nonfat vanilla latte today, then ruined it when I had cheese fries with my friend and half a bacon cheeseburger at Johnny Rockets.  Well Im not eating anything else tonight.  Im not even hungry, Im disgusted with myself and feel huge.  I just want to be skinny, and perfect.  And have no worries in the world.  Its never going to happen.   I dont deserve to be happy and I dont deserve him.

So I have pneumonia...

This post has pretty much nothing to do with anything except the fact that I am running on empty.  Cant stop coughing.  Again.  Gonna be another night with no sleep and I just cant do this anymore.  I'm just so so tired.  So tired.  My right side, thats where the pneumonia is, my right lung, hurts and I cant get comfortable.  Not that it matters cause I can't stop coughing anyways.  My lungs decided to hate me again and send me into an uncontrollable coughing fit where I resorted to using the inhaler I was given to see if it would help.  I'm supposed to use it twice a day, 2 puffs in the morning, 2 puffs at night.  But it helped a lot, and I'm actually not coughing at all now.  So I'm gonna end my little pity party and try to fall asleep, gotta wake up at 4 to take the cough medicine again, hopefully a third dose will get it into my system enough that it starts working...I'm just...not a happy person right now.

All the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice

Well heres the story of my life right now.  My father and my sister are locked in a bitter battle, over a stupid boy, and her wish for "freedom" (really if she didn't sneak and lie this wouldn't be an issue) and the only common ground is they both care about me...and my health.  So, I've done what I can to try and get my dad to a starting point to fix this.  My sister is currently almost messing me up.  So my next plan, is that I'm not eating until they fix it.  If she messes this up...I will go sit at the dinner table with them.  And not eat.  I won't eat on the weekends when I'm at home, lunch at work, never eat breakfast anyway.  And they can both know that it's their fault for ruining our family and driving me to this.  I think it'll work.  Honestly, I'm at my friends, my dad won't go home.  I've never seen him so defeated and it's like she doesn't even care.  She's young and being stupid, letting a boy be more important then her family. 

I think it's crazy that I've gotten to this point after everything I've been trying to do, and that I don't care, that part of me is even hoping for it, looking forward to it.  I've been so stressed and frustrated with this, I even just feel like crying half the time, just to let it all go. 

Well I'll keep you all updated, I think this blog is the only thing keeping me sane right now.

Hope you all are doing great as always!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Woke up today feeling a little sick, lots of sinus congestion and a sore throat, again, which i think was cause of my sinuses cause I feel better now.  Well I took the alka seltzer liquid gels for sinus congestion, and every time I take them I fall asleep for hours.  So I took them around 10, woke up around 5.  Got to get up early for work tomorrow and I'm not gonna be able to fall asleep.  I hate this.  Half of me wishes he would just fire me.  I hate working there, but I know I'm not gonna be able to find another job so I can't quit.  If I got fired, I could get unemployment, I don't really want to rely on it, but it would be a source of income while I look for a job.  I'm gonna look through the phone book for some ortho offices I think, check and make sure my resume looks ok...and mail it out again.

Ate too much junk when I woke up, so now I'm sick and mad at myself. I just need to get things in order.  I'm so stuck in a rut and I can't get out.  I don't even know where to begin.  I'm scared to try to get into nursing school.  I feel like I'm not smart enough to get in.  Is it even what I want to do?  I never thought this would be my life.  In grade school I always figured I would go away to college and get a good job and be happy.  Now I never really got to go away to college, don't know what I really want to do, and I'm not happy.

Bleh, I always complain about the same stuff.  I guess I have something to write about though, me and my friend, the one I'm staying with while her parents are away, we want to start looking at apartments and stuff in another state. But it all depends on her boyfriend finding a job.  She told him if it's not soon, then you know she can't just be living at home on unemployment.  Even with his job, politics, he wouldn't be home a lot, so it kinda makes sense.  So that's where we're at now; thinking of places we could move, close enough to see our families, but far enough away to be independent.  And what kind of jobs we'll take. I also have to consider going back to school there or here.  And of course what degree.  Being a big girl sucks haha.

Last post I mentioned missing L.  I just need to get over him.  He obviously doesn't want me, and I can't change that.  I started talking to this other guy, and he's really nice.  The kind of guy who treats you right, the one you always just put in the "friend zone".  My best friend decided to give a "nice"
guy a chance, the one in politics, and she's the happiest I've ever seen her.  So I really want to give him a chance, and the first step is letting L go.  So that's what I'm going to do.  I've waited long enough, and it's done nothing but cause more pain and stress in my life.  It's not going to be easy, but I can do it.

Hope all you lovlies are doing great!

Well, I slept in till about 4, so I had a bowl of rice noodle soup, a small portion of dinner, which was pasta, chicken sausage, and some vegetables all mixed together, and some chocolate covered craisens.  Oh, and half a glazed donut twist, just didnt taste good so I'm not eating the rest.  So not the best day.  Not a lot of food, but too many calories and no exercise.  I'll make up for it this weekend.  IF I eat at all it's going to be just fruit and veggies, only water and tea, no soda-even diet.  I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and being...thin, but not thin enough, my stomach just wont be flat.  That's all I want right now, a flat stomach.  Tomorrow night I'm gonna see if my friend wants to go to the gym.  I still need to join the gym around me, well I have to see if I'm getting fired first, but if I'm not then I'm joining cause they have a yoga class at night, the only gym to do that.  So I can run on the treadmill till I feel like I'll pass out and do yoga.  I don't really want to lift weights or anything, but maybe a little for my arms, I do want start going back to the shooting range for archery, and I can't pull that bow back without some muscles, my dads you have to hold back the 40 lbs and the bow holds 60 lbs.  Anyways thats not important.

 Don't really have much to say...I was sick for a while, finally feeling better and back online.  My last post, the guy I slept with, well he must have told his friend about me, the guy was supposed to be with us that night but they didn't come, so he told my friend to give me his number and I've been talking to him.  I was like you take me out with you once and I have 3 guys trying to talk to me! None of them are my type though, and I'm not really interested in any of them long term, but I think they get that.  She thinks it's hilarious though.   I'm pretty sure I mentioned taking Plan B in my last post as well...got my period, so I can relax about that as well.

I wish I had something positive to say, but I don't.  I've been miss L and it just sucks. 

Ugh I cant believe last night happened...

So I'll just right to it.  Last night my friend invited me out to the club to go dancing with some of her friends.  It was me, her, and her 4 guy friends.  One of whom I slept with.  She's fine with it, thats not the point of this post.  The point is I slept with him! I was so wasted, I can't believe I actually did it, more so because I never got to go get my birth control pills this month, and we didn't have a condom, but I didn't let him finish that way.  Trying not to get all TMI on you guys.  So I ended up going to get Plan B today and took it.  I'm just kinda surprised I did it.  We danced and made out, it was fun, I wasn't really expecting it to go that far, but it did.  I had more fun dancing with this other guy, better kisser too, but I had to leave him when the guys decided they wanted to go home.  That was kinda disappointing.  Overall...I just acted totally unlike myself last night.  Not sure how I feel about that, but I've been so stressed out with the drama at home, and my parents knowing about my eating disorder, I just completely acted out.  I need to get my life under control again.  I don't like feeling so disconnected.

So she ran away in her sleep

Well...since I told my dad, hes really only asked me once if I've been eating.  I said yes, and I had, cause I was out with a friend that day.  I've been eating dinner in front of him, but not much else during the day.  I mean, he can't just expect me to start eating out of no where.  Today I've had 1 cup of frozen mixed berries, a few chocolate covered craisens, and 100 calorie bag of popcorn.   For dinner it's just me and my mom so I can probably get away with just having some white rice.

Work sucks even more then usual.  I feel like he's just trying to get me to quit so he won't have to pay unemployment, but I'm not quitting, if he doesn't want me there he's gonna have to fire me.  I've been doing everything he wants and doing the best I can, I won't let him run me out just because he's an asshole.  He's still sending me down to Florida, but he said I have until the 11th to be more confident at work.  Keep in mind hes leaving for 10 days, so I'll pretty much only have 1 work week to show him my "confidence"  that just says to me that hes not interested in seeing me gain confidence in my work.  I would be if it weren't for him always picking on me and putting down my work.

Ah well.  I just have to hang in there as long as I can, keep putting money away, and yea I don't know.  I want to get my bachelors degree, go back to school, but for what I don't know.  I guess I should focus on myself before I start changing my life though. 

Hope your all doing great, I'll try and be a better blogger and update more!

Well I did it...

My dad knows about my eating disorder. I'm not sure how I feel about this though. I told out of desperation really. To stop a massive fight. I mean huge. He said we're gonna get me help. Am I really ready for that? I don't know. I thought I was but I couldn't tell him. I feel forced now. I'm scare to let this go. Ah well, like I said not gonna stop me from blogging, you laidies mean the world to me, no one else knew about this and you all have helped me through so much I couldn't ever just leave. It's 4 am. I'll post more tomorrow. I just really had to get this out. Wish me luck...I'm gonna need it.

Wrong baby wrong

Cause now that hes gone baby gone baby gone you aint got nothing to lose.  I'm trying to embrace that currently.  And it's so hard.  As Zoie said, and as I know, he really is the one that got away.  I hate that.  So much.  Why doesn't anything good ever happen to me?

Well I called the people about going back to school today, they'll pay for the class I want, based on my income.  If I go back to school I'm not gonna be able to work at the office so that's why I wanted to see if I could get it paid for.  I'm gonna go to the school on Friday since I'm off and see if I can even get into the class this semester since it starts in February, and yea I'll have to quit.  I don't know if I want to wait or not, see if I can just get regular financial aid instead of this way, but thats all something I have to look into on Friday. 

There is a guy I've been talking to, he's so nice, but he's not Him...and I'm trying to not let that get in the way, but it's so hard.  Maybe it's just too soon, I don't doubt it, but my friend was talking about me and her little sister saying we were the same, we aren't ever without a guy for long.  I think that's the problem, but I really don't know how to be alone.  I'm never truly alone, theres always been some guy.  And before Him...we're just gonna call him L...well I didn't really care about them or anything, he changed all of that.  Now I can't stop thinking about him, and just hating myself for letting it come to this. 
I ate too much today too.  Really cant do anything right these days.