Well Good News!

So after I made that last post, he emailed me.  And everythings ok.  He was on lockdown at his base the whole time.  He feels really bad about how he made me feel and Im telling him its ok he cant help being on lockdown.

But I told him about being anorexic.  Im kinda worried about that conversation.  Im talking to him now, but he's not bringing it up. 

Im so happy right now.  I could dance.  Hahaha. 

I just wanted to let you guys know.  Thank you for being here and listening to me be crazy :)

Im just gonna start moving on.  It will be hard, but I've already started really, I feel less depressed about it everyday.  It also helped that I went and got a tarot card reading today.  So I wasn't sure it would even pan out, like if I would believe it, but he started saying stuff about me and it was all true.  Stuff I tell you guys, but no one else in my life.  I even started crying.  He said that the person in my life is pulling away.  Distance and stress, fighting...I could tell it was going to happen, I just really wish it hadn't.  I still don't know what happened.  But dwelling on it will only make it worse.  The guy wants me to do a spiritual cleansing.  I know my aunt does them, and they seem to help her a lot.  But I know with this...how I am...is it really going to help?  I might do it though.  Just to really try a clear my mind, everything.  I hate feeling so depressed and I want things in my life to start going well.

I hope all you lovlies are doing good, I just wanted to let you know what my decision was with him.  Who knows, if we're meant to be, we'll make it work in the future, but I guess right now, we're just not supposed to be together. 

We Found Love in a Hopeless Place

Well it's been a week since I spoke to him. But I'm not stressing anymore. He told me about a time they made them all stay on base for 9 days before so I'm just gonna wait for now. And hope for the best.

So. I'm a dental assistant. Dont really like my job too much, but it was never my intention to make this my career. But I can't work and go to school at the same time when I'm here 7:30 till sometimes after 5. And I'm working 2 jobs! Tomorrows my first day off in almost a month. I'm excited. But that being said I have no clue what I want to do. I've been thinking about it a lot. I wish I could just go down to visit my aunt in Texas and like it so much I decide to stay. I could bartend...maybe? My dads friend does it and makes a good living off of it, but this has been her area for years, she's got people that follow here to whatever bar she's working at. Receptionist would be nice. I could sit at a computer all day, make appointments and whatnot. I just don't know. I'm tired of not knowing, living at home, driving a crappy car, etc.

Well for lunch today I had a yogurt and bought a sandwich too. I was gonna eat half to make it around 200 cals...well I totally misread that. Its a whopping 750 calories. I almost gagged. So I still only had half, but dinner is probably gonna be a no go and since I'll be out witha friend I can get away with it.

Hope your all doing well!

I feel like today is gonna be another multiple post day. Well I called him, went to voicemail, but didn't ring so his phone is off right? I hope so, so I just emailed him what I wanted to say. I really really hope he answers. At this point I don't care if it's good or bad. Of course I want it to be good. But I just want to know what's up at this point.

Well I'll let you know later if he answers and if he does what he says.

Now on to the food part. Because of the above, I have no appetite at all. Everyone in the office notices and says stuff, the dentist was like you know by not eating your setting yourself up for peptic ulcers blah blah. I don't care. The stress is good, I don't eat. I'll be skinny. And honestly the hunger pains help with the sadness. It's a way of relese where I'm not hurting myself.

I'm just gonna keep going, there's not much else I can do now.

Well it's my first time posting more then once in a day, but I wanted to say thanks to Ell and Fat Piggy...I'm gonna try to not stres over it, and maybe he's got guard tonight, who knows. But I'll call him Tmw on my lunch. I just really really hope he answers.

That being said, I have no appetite whatsoever, which is always good, but I know I have to eat something at home, so I found soup. 200 cals for the whole thing, if I eat it all my dad won't bother me and I'll only be at 510 calories for the day. Maybe I'll finally get over this platau with my weight. I'm so glad I'm not a stress eater.

Thanks again ladies, you really made me feel better :)

I hate feeling so unsure of myself. I haven't spoken to him in 3 days, and I know he's busy at the base and stuff be we usually still talk. So I dont know if something came up or is it me? I look back at the last thing he said and it was don't forget to text me so I can call you Tmw, but he didnt. I really hope something came up and he's just super busy. I can't take being hurt like that again. I know what's going to happen if I do, I'm already feeling awful about myself, I don't need this thrown in the mix too.

I'm sitting at work and just feel like crying. I can't wait to go home.

What I'd Do to Have You Here

It really sucks he's so far away.  I miss him like crazy.  But he is coming up for my birthday :) Just 49 more days.  Unfortunately hes able to make it up here because he's on leave...before moving to another base...on the other side of the country.  Like we really cant get a break, and im not even sure how long he'll be able to stay here for.  But if this is what it takes to be with him, an hour phone call at lunch and emailing at night, then its fine.  At least I get to talk to him almost every night still.  Next August I'll be a mess when he deploys again.

Anyways.  The new job is going well, I'm learning a lot but sometimes I feel so incompetant.  And I know this isnt what I want to do the rest of my working days, it was never meant to be my career, but I have no idea what to do.  I cant go to school full time and work, or even school part time unless I take all night classes, but I have to get up so early for work and night is the only time I can talk to him.  I still have a year anyways, I wanted to work this year and thats what I'll do, then I'll decide.  Hell...I may not even be in this state at that point :) 

I broke down today and had Burger King for lunch, but thats all I've had today period...I'm gonna have to eat dinner, but I dont know what to eat...it's just me and my mom so I can get away with eating anything I want. 

I never thought I could be sad and happy at the same time not regarding myself at all, but I wouldnt give up the feelings for anything right now.

Wish I had more to talk about, but this new job and my old one...I havent had a day off in over 2 weeks!  All I do is work now, so boring.

Take care ladies!

Am I a Sucker?

Probably, but I dont care.  I pulled a risky move to talk to the guy my last post was about, but I did get his attention and we talked for hours, we both decided we want to make this work even thought it's going to be really hard for the next two years.  But I don't care, he's the one I want to be with, he wants to be with me, I can make some sacrifices.  I mean its not like I already don't everyday...

I had half a turkey hoagie today at work because my manager wanted me to get lunch with her, and unfortunately my soda wasn't diet.  But that and the burger at home for dinner was all I had, more then enough in my opinion.

I got the job I wanted, Im not sure if I wrote about it at all.  I start tomorrow, it's a half day at work so I'll be shown the opening procedures and how he works with his assistant, so I'm pretty excited about it :)  It couldnt have come at a better time, my cars acting up now, all it needs is to last a few paychecks and I'll have a decent down payment for a car!

Im at a platau weight wise however, I just cant get past 110lbs.  Im sure it'll be easier once me and my friend start going to the gym though, my only exercise right now is work, and it seems my usual eating just isnt cutting it for weightloss anymore.  Well, that will change soon enough.  I feel awkward about it now.  He wants me to be healthy, happy.  I don't know how.  I'm happy when I'm with him, talking to him, but it doesn't mean I know how to just change what I've been doing since as long as I can remember, what I've always thought about myself.

This is me saying that I'm going to try though.  I'm gonna go to the gym, and try and eat healthy, and be healthy but still look how I want to look...if it's at all possible, I think it is.  It's kinda embarassing I'm such a Miley Cyrus fan haha I know who would of thought it, but even besides that if I wasn't she would still be my thinspiration, I think she's perfect.  That's my goal for now.

Stay beautiful girls!  Take care :)

I wish...

That I didn't lik him so much

That this didn't hurt as much as it does

That I wasn't stupid enough to fall for someone again

That I could just get answer be it good or bad, cause I have no clue what happened

That I wasn't crying

That I didn't care.

oh em gee

SO!

First off I would like to start with saying that I got a job interview on Saturday!!! I'm so excited =D  After I quit my last job I was beginning to think I wouldn't find anything, I wasn't getting any responses.  I'm super nervous though.  I'm just hoping I'm good enough, I feel like what if everything they said is right?

Second! This is more exciting news.  I'm talking to my army guy...YAY!  He's so gorgeous.  And his southern accent, makes me melt everytime I hear it. 

And I guess thats it.  Today wasn't that bad, I'm actually feeling good about myself, and I think he's the reason.