Gonna make my getaway

I wish I was bringing in the new year with him.  I hate that I'm so hung up on him.  That I cant get over him, I just miss him.  Any guy I try and get to know, it's no use cause they just aren't him.  He's all I want, and I wish I was what he wanted.  I hope I get fired on Wednesday, I need a job that isn't gonna keep me here, make just enough money and get out of here.  Move to Texas and I don't know.  My dad always says I'm impulsive and don't look before I leap, but I can't take it anymore, I need to do something drastic and just make a change.  I need to forget him.  I need to fall out of love with him. I'll probably send him one last email and tell him I'm gonna move on, and then just try.  Give other guys a real chance.  I want to be happy, that's all I want for 2012, to be happy.

So right now everyone is eating dinner in front of me (in the living room cause the kitchen table is all cluttered) ribs, macaroni salad, and asparagus.  I said I'm not hungry yet and I'll eat in a few hours.  I really don't want ribs.  But I'm gonna have to eat.  So I'm only having one...and a tiny bit of the side dishes...more of the aspargus so they can't complain about how much I'm not eating.  I really really need to go get a gym membership.  This one gym has a seperate floor for women, but if the equipment is newer on the other floor for both men and women I'm just going there.  It's the only way I'm gonna lose this weight in a reasonable amount of time.  I'm just gonna run and run until I feel like I'm going to pass out then run some more.  Only bad thing is I found out the guy that I work with, the front desk guy, he's going to this gym now too.  I really don't want to run into him there.  He's always commenting on my eating habits and well to be honest he's kind of cute, not my type but still cute.  And I would just be all embarassed if he saw me outside of work, looking horrible cause my scrubs are big and you cant see how much I weigh in them.  Lol see how much I weigh, well you all know what I mean.

I bought this awesome short black and silver cheetah print dress.  It fits...but it's hard to zipper once I get to a certain point.  It will zipper but it's a bit tight too.  So i'm determined to fit in it, although I have no where to wear it, but thats besides the point, I'll feel awesome that I fit into it and that's whats most important.

My skin is so dry too.  Mostly my hands because of work, but for my face I got a new moisturizer, and a scrub, we'll see how it works, my skins so sensitive I can hardly use anything.  I have to almost full bottles of stuff I had to give to my sister cause they made me face all red and burn.  So I hope this stuff is ok.

Hope your all doing well, have a great New Year if I don't post before then!

Where are you...

Ever hear the song Where are you Christmas by Faith Hill?  It was on the Grinch with Jim Carey.  Anyways it played at work (we have the Christmas station on).  Anyways I almost started crying.  The lyrics could so easily be changed to whatever you want.  And for me it was pretty much my happiness.  Where did it go.   I also think I'm gonna be fired.  He told me I have until January 4th to show perceptible change.  Honestly, I don't know what else to do.  The other assistant was like you do everything he tells you to do, you're always working, what else does he want.  He was talking about my confidence and crap.  Like really, he has no idea.  No fucking idea about me and how I feel, everything I go through on a daily basis.  And pretty much told me he has no confidence in my work.  So tell me, how the hell am I supposed to have confidence in my own work?  So I really don't know what to do in order to keep my job.  It's not like I haven't been trying, I've been doing the best I can.  It's just getting harder and harder to keep it all together.  And I don't know what else I can do.  I'm not good at anything.  I'm not even going to talk about my weight, I'm just so upset about it right now I can't write about it, stressed beyond belief about everything, I don't need something to set me off and start crying in front of my family.

Hope your all doing better, take care lovlies.

No one said letting go was gonna be easy

So you all know about my guy troubles.  I feel like half this blog is devoted to that, but it does in turn affect my mood which in turn affects my eating disorder, so it comes full circle.  I finally weighed myself last night 121 lbs! Like WTF  I was 110 lbs last time *cries*  Starting tomorrow I'm going on a "diet" which is what I told my mom.  I bought fruit and yogurt and orange juice for smoothies.  And well I'll just eat fruit at lunch.  Apple slices and grapes.  With water.  I can't believe I let myself gain that much weight.

Anyways!  The whole point of mentioning guys and the title of my post.  Still haven't heard from him.  My emails are still going through which means he should be getting them, hasn't blocked me (which has happened).  But well I don't know about right now but last time his phone was still ringing and was going to voicemail but he hasn't answered any calls, texts, or emails.  I've been preparing myself to just let go and move on but it's just not easy at all. I love him so much, even despite all of this.  I hate this.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I honestly don't know how I'm keeping myself together when I'm just falling apart inside a little more everyday.

Somewhere in my soul I know I'm running scared

Ah havent listened to Love and Theft in so long, but Learning to Fall is such a great song.  SO wayyy too much food being given to us at work for Christmas.  I'm so sick of it all.  Cookies today, and more candy.  I ate half a turkey wrap and some chips for lunch and came home and just had some peppermint and ginger white tea.  Not eating the baked macaroni and cheese.  Like hell no...not gonna happen.  Maybe ill make and egg or two later, get some protein.  I still have yet to weigh myself.  Im too scared, but I'm going to on Saturday when my mom and sister go shopping.  I need to get a reasonable place before I say anything, ugh I want to, I dont know if I can. I'm gonna get back to a normal, well normal for me, eating schedule and if i have to go out to lunch with my coworkers...no more pizza, just healthy stuff.

My dad and sister are ok.  I get that hes nervous about being out of work and his unemployment ending soon...but drinking all night and getting mad at such small things isnt going to help.  I hope he finds something soon.  This is such an awful place to live in the winter if you don't have a year long full time job.  And we still have a lot of winter left, its only just started :(

Hope all you lovlies are doing well!

A big change is coming

I wanted you lovelies to be the first to know. I'm gonna tell my dad about my eating disorder tonight. And possibly giving my two weeks at my awful job. And well I'll see how it goes. I'm still going to be here and supporting all of you, because you have all gotten me through so much, speaking of which I have more to this post later. But just letting you know I wont be disappearing. I just need to do something. I can't keep holding back the years at work and home. Ah breaks over. I'll finish this later tonight!

UPDATE

Ok.  So I didnt do it yet.  And heres why.  Last night my sister came home around 12:20am her and her boyfriend had been at his house trying to get his stuff done for school on the computer and my mom had called and she told her this.  Well she walks in and my dad like flipped.  I guess its cause he had been drinking but I dont know.  He was like Im sick of you being out all night every night and not being with your son and all this stuff.  She said she was leaving and he said if she did then dont come back.  Among other things.  Long story short she went in to bed with the baby and her boyfriend and left before he woke up this morning.  I told him last night when he said sorry to me that im not the one he should be saying it to and he said he didnt have to say it to her, that she needed to hear it from someone.  He went way overboard though.  And i said we all used to be happy and now we're not.  and that I wasnt going to ruin Christmas with telling him how I feel.  I came home and saw my nephew and hes just going to be so excited on Christmas day.  WIth his new Rock and Roll Mickey.  I cant ruin this for everyone yet.  So Im going to wait.  But I have made the choice to tell them, and I will.  That and he was sleeping when I got home and he woke up in a crappy mood anyways. 

I'm scared though.  Like telling them terrifies me.  It's been my secret for so long and now I'm just letting go of it.  I dont know who I am anymore, what I want, where I want to be.  Suddenly I'm going to have to make choices.  I don't want to be in dental, or even in the medical field.  My dad said I should look into cosmetology like my sister.  I had already been thinking about it to be honest.  More independent, away from the boss, and my own work, my own clients.  I dont want to stay in New Jersey anymore either.  I want to go somewhere warm.  If my aunt hadn't fallen and hurt her back I would say Texas.  But well by time I get this all figured out, she'll be better and I could probably stay with her for a bit.  Just a lot to think about, and I don't know how to make it happen :-/

Thank you all so much for the support.  Its gonna be you guys that gets me through this and gives me the courage to tell my parents.  Your all amazing!! <333