So many guys!

I swear I'm not a slut, I've only slept with 2 guys and I'm 22. And to be honest neither of those guys were anything special. The first time I did it just to get it over with. Anyways I don't want to use names...so I have the older guy that I'm so into, and possibly seeing this weekend, but not totally sure what he wants from me. And another guy, hes only a year older and so hot. Well they both are. One is really nice and seems to really care about me and the other is well a cliche bad boy with one thing on his mind about 90% of the time, but still cares too. I don't know what to do. Right now I'm not invested in either one because no ones talked about getting serious, and honestly I'm not willing to put myself out there and get hurt anymore then I am. I guess I'll just keep talking to both right now, but I think the older guy is the better choice in the long run, he's not a player.

But aren't we all attracted to the bad boy player? I know I am, look at my dating past.

I'll be fine I swear, I'm just gone beyond repair

In regards to my last post about my dad, I do just want to say I've always been extremely efficant at hiding my feelings. People call me an ice queen because they can't read me, and I rarely let tha wall crack in front of people. And when i do most don't notice, my dad does. It's hard to try and help someone when they don't listen. Writing that post I was just mad. It's true back then he didn't notice, but I didn't start not eating until high school. I went to a catholic grade school and I tried to keep my lunch money and not buy anything but they made me a peanut butter sandwich and called home. High school no one cares if you don't eat. I guess I'm saying all this because I was fighting with him last night about my ex and how I didn't tell him how he was harassing me and I said a lot of stuff I wish i could take back. I honestly wish I had never met him. But really what do I tell my dad? I've been hiding stuff from you for years? That I'm upset not because of this but because I ate too much, that i cant hold myself together not because of him but because of myself? I don't even know who I am anymore. My whole life has been spent comparing myself to those fucking popular girls who always got the guy, who put down girls like me. So I built up my ice queen persona. And I made it my mission to look better, skinnier. I have more control then they ever will.

But who am I?

Easter...

How could I forget about Easter! There goes my fast, my dads home this weekend. But! I only had 520 calories today, I stop eating after 7 because I go to bed at 10. My boss always buys me a 12 ounce French vanilla cappuccino from wawa. That's 220 (shudders) but it did get me through the day, I only had a piece of gum (5). Once I got home I had a chocolate drink with skim milk (60 and 80) and half a piece of Tyson chicken (75) and a yogurt (80). I couldn't go for a walk with my mom because my ankle is bothering me, but I feel good about today being under 800 calories. And I haven't even felt hungry most of the day.

Tomorrow I'm thinking of having 2 egg whites because i do need to finish those before Wednesday and a piece of dry toast and then not eating again until dinner. Ugh dinner, I hate these huge family meals. It's ham and I'm sure mashed potatoes, candied yams, and some kind of green beans. My mom also bought crescent rolls. I won't know the calorie count for dinner which always pisses me off but I'll keep my portions small and with breakfast only being 120 I think I'll be fine.

My dad made me eat 2 slices of pizza for dinner. Like really? These past two days I've actually been doing good, and why bother notice now?! Why do anything now, where were you when I fucking 7 and crying to myself that I didn't look like the popular girls, that I was too fat to be one of them? I wish I could bring myself to purge, I feel so sick and heavy. I hate pizza, it's so greasy. Im glad I have work tomorrow, I won't have to eat at all until around 5, if I do at all. No, I'm just gonna make it a fasting day. And sunday. That will be good, and i know I'll feel better after.

Tomorrow im also going to get a tanning package, i told my friend she could come if she wants because she's home for the weekend, and she was all why go tanning? Wait and do it when I'm home for summer, it's bad for you, blah blah. I really wanted to say i do enough to my body already that I'm not too worried about tanning maybe once or twice every other week until sound June when i can actually go to the beach (If and only if I look good enough). But i couldn't say that. I can't ever say that.

I've been getting headaches a lot lately too, like they've always been frequent but not every night. So I've just been going to bed early because it hurts too much to even stay awake. Oh! I put anorexia into the search on fanfiction.net and read a bunch of poems. Insist I could express how I feel like that, but for now I'm happy with my blog, at least I'm not keeping it all inside.

Good Day!

Ah it feels good to be back. I've always been proud of my self control, but recently its been lacking and that made me depressed which made it worse. But today was good. I got up at 7 and had 2 scrambled egg whites, skipped lunch and had a sugar free carnation drink with skim milk when I got home around 3:30ish, allowed myself 2 peeps because they're only 28 each. I was under 300 for it all. So dinner I had a cod fillet, only 80 cals, a few carrot slices and maybe more mashed potatoes then I should have, but considering how few calories I had all it's ok. I might have a yogurt for dessert before bed, another 80 cals, but we'll see.

I was going to go get the probiotics and abdominal cuts pills today but I had my sister with me so I couldnt. Not sure when I'll go, but I want to see how fast I drop with cutting back before I start taking them. I also ordered a lot of stuff from Avon lol, so I have to be able to pay for that although I know if I don't have it all she'll be fine considering she's been a family friend since before i was born. I'm excited about the perfume!

I love good days because for once I feel good about myself if only a few hours. I don't want to sit in the shower and cry because no one can hear me, or look at myself in disgust. I can say that I didn't over eat, that I don't feel like a blimp, that I'm on the right track.

Summer...

Well it's almost time for summer, and I live at the beach. So I spend a lot of time at the beach. It's time to get serious. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning (like I always do...) but ugh my thighs are huge. And I'm bloated. Granted my period should be coming tomorrow, lovely birth control pills, so I have to stop at cvs tomorrow anyways i'll just get some diuretics too. I'm also thinking of trying those Abdominal Cuts pills and see how they work. GNC is just next door to cvs lol.

Saturday I'm going to the tanning salon, 20% off packages...I don't want to go everyday or even every week but a few times so I'm not deathly pale by summer would be nice. My best friend might come too, we've hardly talked since she moved in with her boyfriend and we're both like I miss you! I hope we get to hang out some.

So today started off really bad food wise, i won't even go into detail. But I've decided no meat. Fish is ok, it's better for you and less calories, less fat. I had a tilapia fillet (frozen...buy 80 cals. Comes 2 in a pack so I'll probably buy a few boxes) and a kiwi for dessert. I've got tmw almost planned out, still adding up calories and trying to come up with alternatives. I'll update you tomorrow on how it goes!

Why. Me.

So not only do I have like no voice at this point in time. This guy I used to hook up with is texting me again. He just broke up with his girlfriend. And I get a text. Like really he couldnt ask me out, but he asks her out...granted he was still trying to text me but I told him no way. So tonight he's like are you avoiding me? And I was like no it's just hard with one car and 3 people using it and I can't tonight cause i go to bed at 10 (I'm usually exhausted before 10 but then people would question it and say maybe if you ate you would have more energy). So I said I would text him tomorrow. I'm not really interested in him, I'm interested in this guy I wrote about a few posts ago, the guy in the army. He's gonna be home for 3 weeks no later then the 18th :D. But the point is I'm too nice of a person to say anything to this guy. He had his chance and he never asked me out. I even asked him where we were headed and he was like i don't know. Now I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being used by guys for just a good time. I found someone who actually might care about me and now he comes back. Ugh. I wish my friend could text, she's dating his brother, but her phone isn't working.

Anyways. Today was a horrible day food wise. Not only did I binge, it wasn't even a good binge like on fruits or vegetables. It was all crappy food that has left me feeling so sick. I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow, but in taking it super light tomorrow regardless. Well it's 10:30 and I'm beyond tired, I'm gonna end this bad day and just go to bed.