What I'd Do to Have You Here

It really sucks he's so far away.  I miss him like crazy.  But he is coming up for my birthday :) Just 49 more days.  Unfortunately hes able to make it up here because he's on leave...before moving to another base...on the other side of the country.  Like we really cant get a break, and im not even sure how long he'll be able to stay here for.  But if this is what it takes to be with him, an hour phone call at lunch and emailing at night, then its fine.  At least I get to talk to him almost every night still.  Next August I'll be a mess when he deploys again.

Anyways.  The new job is going well, I'm learning a lot but sometimes I feel so incompetant.  And I know this isnt what I want to do the rest of my working days, it was never meant to be my career, but I have no idea what to do.  I cant go to school full time and work, or even school part time unless I take all night classes, but I have to get up so early for work and night is the only time I can talk to him.  I still have a year anyways, I wanted to work this year and thats what I'll do, then I'll decide.  Hell...I may not even be in this state at that point :) 

I broke down today and had Burger King for lunch, but thats all I've had today period...I'm gonna have to eat dinner, but I dont know what to eat...it's just me and my mom so I can get away with eating anything I want. 

I never thought I could be sad and happy at the same time not regarding myself at all, but I wouldnt give up the feelings for anything right now.

Wish I had more to talk about, but this new job and my old one...I havent had a day off in over 2 weeks!  All I do is work now, so boring.

Take care ladies!

Am I a Sucker?

Probably, but I dont care.  I pulled a risky move to talk to the guy my last post was about, but I did get his attention and we talked for hours, we both decided we want to make this work even thought it's going to be really hard for the next two years.  But I don't care, he's the one I want to be with, he wants to be with me, I can make some sacrifices.  I mean its not like I already don't everyday...

I had half a turkey hoagie today at work because my manager wanted me to get lunch with her, and unfortunately my soda wasn't diet.  But that and the burger at home for dinner was all I had, more then enough in my opinion.

I got the job I wanted, Im not sure if I wrote about it at all.  I start tomorrow, it's a half day at work so I'll be shown the opening procedures and how he works with his assistant, so I'm pretty excited about it :)  It couldnt have come at a better time, my cars acting up now, all it needs is to last a few paychecks and I'll have a decent down payment for a car!

Im at a platau weight wise however, I just cant get past 110lbs.  Im sure it'll be easier once me and my friend start going to the gym though, my only exercise right now is work, and it seems my usual eating just isnt cutting it for weightloss anymore.  Well, that will change soon enough.  I feel awkward about it now.  He wants me to be healthy, happy.  I don't know how.  I'm happy when I'm with him, talking to him, but it doesn't mean I know how to just change what I've been doing since as long as I can remember, what I've always thought about myself.

This is me saying that I'm going to try though.  I'm gonna go to the gym, and try and eat healthy, and be healthy but still look how I want to look...if it's at all possible, I think it is.  It's kinda embarassing I'm such a Miley Cyrus fan haha I know who would of thought it, but even besides that if I wasn't she would still be my thinspiration, I think she's perfect.  That's my goal for now.

Stay beautiful girls!  Take care :)

I wish...

That I didn't lik him so much

That this didn't hurt as much as it does

That I wasn't stupid enough to fall for someone again

That I could just get answer be it good or bad, cause I have no clue what happened

That I wasn't crying

That I didn't care.

oh em gee

SO!

First off I would like to start with saying that I got a job interview on Saturday!!! I'm so excited =D  After I quit my last job I was beginning to think I wouldn't find anything, I wasn't getting any responses.  I'm super nervous though.  I'm just hoping I'm good enough, I feel like what if everything they said is right?

Second! This is more exciting news.  I'm talking to my army guy...YAY!  He's so gorgeous.  And his southern accent, makes me melt everytime I hear it. 

And I guess thats it.  Today wasn't that bad, I'm actually feeling good about myself, and I think he's the reason. 

Life Sucks....

Its official.  My. Life. Sucks.  So the guy I wrote about in my last post contacted me....well he's in a complicated situation, but we're talking again.  Doesn't mean anything really until he can get it fixed, but I'm glad he did, I was really hurt when I thought it was because of me.

My ex though.  Hes all depressed because we arent together.  But I cant go back.  I miss him yea, I'll always care about him yea, but I've moved on.  I dont want him hurt though. I  dont know what to do at all. 

Men....suck

Seriously, can someone tell me what it is with guys?!  First I have my ex making me wish I could get back together with him sometimes, but thats so not where I need to be going.  I had this guy I was really into, and now hes just not even talking to me.  No reason whatsoever.  We had such a great conversation that night before he started guard duty, and now hes online, but i've been blocked...like what the fuck?!  dont tell me you'll dream of me, or that im worth waiting for (cause we were gonna have to wait to actually hang out some cause of him going on duty) and just a whole lot of other stuff....then just totally cut me off...for no reason at all. 

Hurricane Irene is gonna hit too...so we have mandatory evacuations, leaving Friday or Saturday.  Coming home sometime Sunday or Monday depending on how long it stays in the area, its supposedly moving a lot slower then it should be because of some pressure system.  This is just crazy.

Well I guess its ok, anytime I'm upset about some guy I just don't eat...my friend called it the break up diet haha except i wasnt with him, but stupidly got my hopes up.  I feel like I'm never going to find someone who actually cares about me. 

I do what i want when i feel like it

Oh how O wish that was true.  If it was I would be in another state right now, seeing a real great guy.  Going in line with the song of my title.  It has been a while since everything has gone right or i've had any reason at all to smile.  But he makes me smile.  I can't say he makes everything right.  He doesn't even know about me.  About this.  But how do you tell someone about this?  About how I really feel, about what I do? 

It's been a while since I posted so I guess I should update you all.  Some posts back, around December I wrote about my ex who had been harassing me...well he's been texting me recently.  Says everything wasn't said by him and he would never have done that, that he loved me (doubt it) and well anyway he wants to hang out.  I said ok and we had one thing set up, but it didn't pan out, now it's just a bunch of misses.  I'm not even sure if i should see him, but I'm going to.  I won't let anything happen, and I won't ever get back together with him, but if it wasn't him...I don't know.  He said he wants me in his life, and I guess I can do that, in a small way.  No on knows except one friend of mine.  My dad would be so mad, and I can't blame him.  But I'm not a child anymore.  I can make my own choices, I just don't know how to talk to him about that.

Anyways, I gained.  I feel like such a failure.  I don't even want to go to the doctor tomorrow and step on that scale.  Although maybe this will get her off my case a little bit about it.  I'm having such a hard time staying on track though and I don't know why.  I'm just in a spiral and I can't get out.  I feel so lost in myself...