Well I'm a god awful blogger now aren't I. So much has happened. I'm actually back with L, he asked me to marry him, but it's not my proposal...cause he's deployed. But he wanted to ask anyway I guess lol. I gained like 3 lbs, be easy to lose if I didn't have people watching me all the time :( but I'll find a way. Once fall comes it won't be as noticeable cause I won't be wearing shorts and summer clothes. But more serious news. I have to see a cardiologist. I read the referall and it's for an ECG for tachycardia. I know that's all my fault pretty much, but can't really do anything about that now. I need to find a low cal lunch I can eat every day, and easy to make, I never make it the night before and no time in the morning to really make anything. But if I don't eat at lunch I binge at night. I already don't eat in the morning. I can do this. I can get back on track. I will do it.

Life Advice Needed

Ok.  So back in March I changed my address to my aunts, applied to a school for pre-nursing, just found out all my info is in, and just awaiting the total for my finacial aid award.  All sounds great doesn't it.  I'm debating if it's what I really want to do.  All through school last year, my plan was to work this year and save save save, (unfortunatly life got in the way there, I am getting back on track) and move to VA Beach which would have been in the fall.  I have almost everything I need except the finances at this point, and well I'm not job searching.  My conflict is...do I go to PA and go to school for 2 years then move down, with a major I possibly am not going to want...and well risk not having a major if I choose nursing isn't for me.  Or do I stay in Jersey and work another year and keep saving (im also reading this finance book, and budgeting stuff so I can maximize my saving and minimize my spending while getting everything paid and building credit), and then start looking into moving to VA where I could establish residency and if I so choose go to school...theres a school there which has Dental Hygiene, Exercsie Science (which was my other choice), and Nursing.  So if I go to PA, I could always transfer my credits there as well...but I believe I would be in PA for more then 2 years.   This seems like such a trivial problem, but I really don't want to waste my time or money on something that I'm unsure of.  The only thing that I am sure of is I want to move to Virginia Beach.

I wish I had something productive to say.  I don't. I haven't been doing anything...at all.  Trying to maintain my eating, missing that asshole who broke my heart.  Why is it so damn hard to get over him??  I hate being told I'm pretty and can "get any guy I want"  There's only one guy I want.  He doesn't want me, and well it doesn't seem like anyone else does either.  Well, why would anyone want to be with me anyway.  Ugh, I just can't shake this mood at all.

Such is Life

SO I apologize for disappearing!  There really hasnt been much going on.  Actually talked to L.  Got my answers, not getting back together and well....I feel fine about it.  I guess I really just needed that closure.  So, after 2 rejections so close to each other...I slept with my airforce guy (kinda worried about that...) and he bought me dinner on Saturday.  That was nice.  Met this guy I've dubbed the liquor store hottie.  Tall, dark, handsome, and according to my dad- crazy partier.  Let me tell you...I could fall for that haha.  Last time I saw him he did his usual teasing, stealing my ID, whic he doesn't need, he knows how old I am...and well not giving it back, he just looks at it.  And then he goes so you know your a very pretty girl...I was doing a happy dance in my head let me tell you.  I would be excited even if I only got to sleep with him, I dunno get the feeling it would be a good time. 

So thats the extent of my life.  Summers coming up, pretty much been maitaining my weight which is ok.  Been tanning, so I know I look good.  I'm ready for this summer with my best friend, and all the hot guys we can get....if I get my liquor store hottie though I'll be ecstatic.

Hope your all doing great!  And thanks to you guys who commented on my last post, I sure did need those :)

Well...what an end to an already sucky day. That guy I liked.  Well he had been talking to some other girl behind my back...all while having no problem sending me pics of himself, getting ones of me...skyping...and not regular skyping.  Making plans to come down here...and not just go out to dinner and see a movie.  Like really, we were having sex and he's trying to form a relationship with someone else?!?  He said they had been dating for 2 weeks now.  Well let me tell you, he's obviously already cheated on her then.  I'm livid.  I hate being lied to...I'm not even mad that he's with someone else.  I'm mad that he told me he didn't want a relationship then used me while he was talking to her, because it long distance and he cant get any from her I guess.

Apathy

I just dont care anymore.  About anything.  Its the only way to get through this, through my life.  Wanting hurts.  I want to be thin, I want to be wanted and loved.  I want to be beautiful...not sexy or hot.  Yea sure those are nice when the time is right.  But I want to be called beautiful, its an entirely different connation.  But I guess I'm not.  I guess I'm only good for one thing.  So I just don't care anymore.  I'll go through the steps of my life, but I'm done giving a shit.  I'm done trying to get better, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want.  And if that means I'm not going to eat then they can fucking deal with it.  It's my life, and they never took any interest in it before even when I was being obvious about it praying someone would say something.  It took me saying it only to stop a fight and I wasnt even a part of.  And even now no one really cares.  So why the hell should I?   Theres only one thing...person I cant stop caring about, but hes the one I need to forget the most.  He's obviously forgotten me.

So I went to the Dr yesterday, had to weigh myself...116 lbs.  Ugh I hate that number SO much.  And I had to eat today...I really need to figure something out, I need to drop those 6 lbs.  Anyway I wont even bother posting what I ate today and depress myself even more then I already am at the moment.  Cleaned my room today, thats a plus, I cant believe its so clean right now...I really have to keep it like this from now on.  I also went out and bought a Ball Python on a whim.  Gotta get him a few more things, but I cleaned and disinfected the old tank I have and now hes all settled in.  For just eating today he is really active, but I think its just him being in a new area, and its night so hes going to be.  I named him Niko...if I can get my camera to work I'll post some pics of him later. 

I miss L so fucking much its not even funny.  Am I ever going to get over him?  Even though I really like this new guy...K.  When Im with or talking to K I dont think about L...but I do every other time...stupid songs remind me of him and just...everything.  I hate that hes everywhere and not even here.  I still hold my breath when I check my email, just hoping that I do and dont have something from him.  I have old pics on my phone of him...and a screen shot where when i had it set so i could see a preview of the text...and all he said was I love you.  So I kept it...i look at that a lot, cause i love him still so much it hurts.  That new Carrie Underwood song, Good Girl, yea the part where she says forever dont mean much.  So true.  He said forever to me, and look where I am now.  Missing him.  I hate that I dont even know if hes deploying in August or not, Im gonna be such a wreck then.  Well does me no good thinking about it now does it.

Hope your all doing great!