Once a screw up always a screw up

Warning.  This is a mindless rant.


I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate that I can't do anything right at all regardless of whether its family, friends, work, a relationship, anything.  I fuck everything up every single fucking time.  I'm a at fucking worthless pig and I don't deserve to even be sitting on this floor writing this post that I doubt anyone is going to read cause I'm just that unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  I should just end it all.  Everyone would be so much happier that way.  One less idiot to worry about.

Trouble trouble trouble

Its been a while.  A long while.  I havent forgotten about you ladies.  I've just been in a world of chaos.  Trying to get better and now down to 106 lbs...I eat maybe once a day if im lucky and when I do I cant finish a meal.  I don't even know how it all started, I was doing pretty good.  Well...I know stress and anxiety is what started it all...then I just fell back into things. 

I guess I should update you all a bit.  Im somewhat engaged.  Things have hit a rough spot and we're working on them, but any plans we may have had I've put on hold.  Its weird, he's hurt me emotionally, but he needs me as much as I need him...its not his fault so I stay.  He always makes up for it, I just hope now that things are hopefully fixed, they stay that way.  Got fired from my dental job with the asshole I was working for, best thing that happened to me except losing the income.  The other day I got a call from an office looking to set up an interview however.   She was supposed to call me back then never did...Im sick so I actually slept a lot longer then I intended to today and never got to call her back, so tomorrow thats a must.  I miss having a full time job and a decent pay check.   I cant really complain...my old boss took me back and I get like 16 hours a week, do some morning babysitting for her son...but getting paid at the end of the month doesnt pay bills or for gas.  And the 16 hours a week went out the window with Hurricane Sandy...I'm just glad the store is finally coming together again and we'll all be back to work.

Anyone remember L...the guy who broke my heart...well he came back, then disappered, then I found out about all the lies he was telling me and I dont feel so broken hearted over it all anymore.  I wish I could just find happiness...maybe its not in the books for me, maybe me and my guy will get over all our issues and we'll both be happy....I know he's the one I want to be with...I hope things are ok now.

Well hopefully the trouble trouble trouble title was enough to say that this wouldnt be an entirely happy post lol.....hope your all doing great and I'll try to not disapper again.  xoxo

Well I'm a god awful blogger now aren't I. So much has happened. I'm actually back with L, he asked me to marry him, but it's not my proposal...cause he's deployed. But he wanted to ask anyway I guess lol. I gained like 3 lbs, be easy to lose if I didn't have people watching me all the time :( but I'll find a way. Once fall comes it won't be as noticeable cause I won't be wearing shorts and summer clothes. But more serious news. I have to see a cardiologist. I read the referall and it's for an ECG for tachycardia. I know that's all my fault pretty much, but can't really do anything about that now. I need to find a low cal lunch I can eat every day, and easy to make, I never make it the night before and no time in the morning to really make anything. But if I don't eat at lunch I binge at night. I already don't eat in the morning. I can do this. I can get back on track. I will do it.

Life Advice Needed

Ok.  So back in March I changed my address to my aunts, applied to a school for pre-nursing, just found out all my info is in, and just awaiting the total for my finacial aid award.  All sounds great doesn't it.  I'm debating if it's what I really want to do.  All through school last year, my plan was to work this year and save save save, (unfortunatly life got in the way there, I am getting back on track) and move to VA Beach which would have been in the fall.  I have almost everything I need except the finances at this point, and well I'm not job searching.  My conflict is...do I go to PA and go to school for 2 years then move down, with a major I possibly am not going to want...and well risk not having a major if I choose nursing isn't for me.  Or do I stay in Jersey and work another year and keep saving (im also reading this finance book, and budgeting stuff so I can maximize my saving and minimize my spending while getting everything paid and building credit), and then start looking into moving to VA where I could establish residency and if I so choose go to school...theres a school there which has Dental Hygiene, Exercsie Science (which was my other choice), and Nursing.  So if I go to PA, I could always transfer my credits there as well...but I believe I would be in PA for more then 2 years.   This seems like such a trivial problem, but I really don't want to waste my time or money on something that I'm unsure of.  The only thing that I am sure of is I want to move to Virginia Beach.

I wish I had something productive to say.  I don't. I haven't been doing anything...at all.  Trying to maintain my eating, missing that asshole who broke my heart.  Why is it so damn hard to get over him??  I hate being told I'm pretty and can "get any guy I want"  There's only one guy I want.  He doesn't want me, and well it doesn't seem like anyone else does either.  Well, why would anyone want to be with me anyway.  Ugh, I just can't shake this mood at all.

Such is Life

SO I apologize for disappearing!  There really hasnt been much going on.  Actually talked to L.  Got my answers, not getting back together and well....I feel fine about it.  I guess I really just needed that closure.  So, after 2 rejections so close to each other...I slept with my airforce guy (kinda worried about that...) and he bought me dinner on Saturday.  That was nice.  Met this guy I've dubbed the liquor store hottie.  Tall, dark, handsome, and according to my dad- crazy partier.  Let me tell you...I could fall for that haha.  Last time I saw him he did his usual teasing, stealing my ID, whic he doesn't need, he knows how old I am...and well not giving it back, he just looks at it.  And then he goes so you know your a very pretty girl...I was doing a happy dance in my head let me tell you.  I would be excited even if I only got to sleep with him, I dunno get the feeling it would be a good time. 

So thats the extent of my life.  Summers coming up, pretty much been maitaining my weight which is ok.  Been tanning, so I know I look good.  I'm ready for this summer with my best friend, and all the hot guys we can get....if I get my liquor store hottie though I'll be ecstatic.

Hope your all doing great!  And thanks to you guys who commented on my last post, I sure did need those :)

Well...what an end to an already sucky day. That guy I liked.  Well he had been talking to some other girl behind my back...all while having no problem sending me pics of himself, getting ones of me...skyping...and not regular skyping.  Making plans to come down here...and not just go out to dinner and see a movie.  Like really, we were having sex and he's trying to form a relationship with someone else?!?  He said they had been dating for 2 weeks now.  Well let me tell you, he's obviously already cheated on her then.  I'm livid.  I hate being lied to...I'm not even mad that he's with someone else.  I'm mad that he told me he didn't want a relationship then used me while he was talking to her, because it long distance and he cant get any from her I guess.