Easter...

How could I forget about Easter! There goes my fast, my dads home this weekend. But! I only had 520 calories today, I stop eating after 7 because I go to bed at 10. My boss always buys me a 12 ounce French vanilla cappuccino from wawa. That's 220 (shudders) but it did get me through the day, I only had a piece of gum (5). Once I got home I had a chocolate drink with skim milk (60 and 80) and half a piece of Tyson chicken (75) and a yogurt (80). I couldn't go for a walk with my mom because my ankle is bothering me, but I feel good about today being under 800 calories. And I haven't even felt hungry most of the day.

Tomorrow I'm thinking of having 2 egg whites because i do need to finish those before Wednesday and a piece of dry toast and then not eating again until dinner. Ugh dinner, I hate these huge family meals. It's ham and I'm sure mashed potatoes, candied yams, and some kind of green beans. My mom also bought crescent rolls. I won't know the calorie count for dinner which always pisses me off but I'll keep my portions small and with breakfast only being 120 I think I'll be fine.

My dad made me eat 2 slices of pizza for dinner. Like really? These past two days I've actually been doing good, and why bother notice now?! Why do anything now, where were you when I fucking 7 and crying to myself that I didn't look like the popular girls, that I was too fat to be one of them? I wish I could bring myself to purge, I feel so sick and heavy. I hate pizza, it's so greasy. Im glad I have work tomorrow, I won't have to eat at all until around 5, if I do at all. No, I'm just gonna make it a fasting day. And sunday. That will be good, and i know I'll feel better after.

Tomorrow im also going to get a tanning package, i told my friend she could come if she wants because she's home for the weekend, and she was all why go tanning? Wait and do it when I'm home for summer, it's bad for you, blah blah. I really wanted to say i do enough to my body already that I'm not too worried about tanning maybe once or twice every other week until sound June when i can actually go to the beach (If and only if I look good enough). But i couldn't say that. I can't ever say that.

I've been getting headaches a lot lately too, like they've always been frequent but not every night. So I've just been going to bed early because it hurts too much to even stay awake. Oh! I put anorexia into the search on fanfiction.net and read a bunch of poems. Insist I could express how I feel like that, but for now I'm happy with my blog, at least I'm not keeping it all inside.

Good Day!

Ah it feels good to be back. I've always been proud of my self control, but recently its been lacking and that made me depressed which made it worse. But today was good. I got up at 7 and had 2 scrambled egg whites, skipped lunch and had a sugar free carnation drink with skim milk when I got home around 3:30ish, allowed myself 2 peeps because they're only 28 each. I was under 300 for it all. So dinner I had a cod fillet, only 80 cals, a few carrot slices and maybe more mashed potatoes then I should have, but considering how few calories I had all it's ok. I might have a yogurt for dessert before bed, another 80 cals, but we'll see.

I was going to go get the probiotics and abdominal cuts pills today but I had my sister with me so I couldnt. Not sure when I'll go, but I want to see how fast I drop with cutting back before I start taking them. I also ordered a lot of stuff from Avon lol, so I have to be able to pay for that although I know if I don't have it all she'll be fine considering she's been a family friend since before i was born. I'm excited about the perfume!

I love good days because for once I feel good about myself if only a few hours. I don't want to sit in the shower and cry because no one can hear me, or look at myself in disgust. I can say that I didn't over eat, that I don't feel like a blimp, that I'm on the right track.

Summer...

Well it's almost time for summer, and I live at the beach. So I spend a lot of time at the beach. It's time to get serious. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning (like I always do...) but ugh my thighs are huge. And I'm bloated. Granted my period should be coming tomorrow, lovely birth control pills, so I have to stop at cvs tomorrow anyways i'll just get some diuretics too. I'm also thinking of trying those Abdominal Cuts pills and see how they work. GNC is just next door to cvs lol.

Saturday I'm going to the tanning salon, 20% off packages...I don't want to go everyday or even every week but a few times so I'm not deathly pale by summer would be nice. My best friend might come too, we've hardly talked since she moved in with her boyfriend and we're both like I miss you! I hope we get to hang out some.

So today started off really bad food wise, i won't even go into detail. But I've decided no meat. Fish is ok, it's better for you and less calories, less fat. I had a tilapia fillet (frozen...buy 80 cals. Comes 2 in a pack so I'll probably buy a few boxes) and a kiwi for dessert. I've got tmw almost planned out, still adding up calories and trying to come up with alternatives. I'll update you tomorrow on how it goes!

Why. Me.

So not only do I have like no voice at this point in time. This guy I used to hook up with is texting me again. He just broke up with his girlfriend. And I get a text. Like really he couldnt ask me out, but he asks her out...granted he was still trying to text me but I told him no way. So tonight he's like are you avoiding me? And I was like no it's just hard with one car and 3 people using it and I can't tonight cause i go to bed at 10 (I'm usually exhausted before 10 but then people would question it and say maybe if you ate you would have more energy). So I said I would text him tomorrow. I'm not really interested in him, I'm interested in this guy I wrote about a few posts ago, the guy in the army. He's gonna be home for 3 weeks no later then the 18th :D. But the point is I'm too nice of a person to say anything to this guy. He had his chance and he never asked me out. I even asked him where we were headed and he was like i don't know. Now I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being used by guys for just a good time. I found someone who actually might care about me and now he comes back. Ugh. I wish my friend could text, she's dating his brother, but her phone isn't working.

Anyways. Today was a horrible day food wise. Not only did I binge, it wasn't even a good binge like on fruits or vegetables. It was all crappy food that has left me feeling so sick. I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow, but in taking it super light tomorrow regardless. Well it's 10:30 and I'm beyond tired, I'm gonna end this bad day and just go to bed.

Time Bomb

Any all time low fans? Yea i've been listening to this song like every time I'm in the car. The one part goes "And if I had to pull you out of the wreckage you know I'm never gonna let you go". I can't help but wish i had someone to pull me out of the wreckage of my life.

Still not feeling any better. Did get a surprising day off however which was a nice surprise. I got homework done and found out it's gonna take $70 just to find out what's wrong with my computer. My dad said he would go halfway on a new laptop though, at first i said no, but I think im going to. I would like to post on here from something other then my phone. Anyways. I think I only have 1 more week at this office. I'm scared of my evaluation cause I haven't sat with him once other then extractions. I stayed home sick yesterday and was off today. And if this was my last week? Well oh well I guess? One bad evaluation won't kill me.

I'm gonna weigh myself on Sunday. Hopefully I'll be feeling better and we'll see how much i lost from just being sick. For once I looked in the mirror today and actually saw slight signs of improvement. Still, I need to lose more if I'm gonna look even close to nice for this summer.

Sick

Ugh since ive been in school, a program at my old high school, Ive been so sick. This is the second time I've had what I think is a sinus infection. My head feels like it's gonna explode everytime I sit up. At least tomorrow I get to go buy something for it. I have no money this week cause I had to pay off school, but I'm so glad I'm finally done!

I weighed myself for the first time cause i've been so scared, I'm still around 113. I wish I had a digital scale :(. But I'm under 115 so I'm happy. All this running around on clinicals is helping me maintain. But I'm trying to get back to a better eating schedule, eating only what I have to, but trying not to skip out too much cause then I just end up binging. Then it's a while downward spiral of depression and too much self hatred.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really be happy with myself and my life. Right now it seems like such an unobtainable goal. I seriously envy those who can look in a mirror and actually like what they see, and go out and not worry what everyone is thinking when they see them.