Apathy

I just dont care anymore.  About anything.  Its the only way to get through this, through my life.  Wanting hurts.  I want to be thin, I want to be wanted and loved.  I want to be beautiful...not sexy or hot.  Yea sure those are nice when the time is right.  But I want to be called beautiful, its an entirely different connation.  But I guess I'm not.  I guess I'm only good for one thing.  So I just don't care anymore.  I'll go through the steps of my life, but I'm done giving a shit.  I'm done trying to get better, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want.  And if that means I'm not going to eat then they can fucking deal with it.  It's my life, and they never took any interest in it before even when I was being obvious about it praying someone would say something.  It took me saying it only to stop a fight and I wasnt even a part of.  And even now no one really cares.  So why the hell should I?   Theres only one thing...person I cant stop caring about, but hes the one I need to forget the most.  He's obviously forgotten me.

So I went to the Dr yesterday, had to weigh myself...116 lbs.  Ugh I hate that number SO much.  And I had to eat today...I really need to figure something out, I need to drop those 6 lbs.  Anyway I wont even bother posting what I ate today and depress myself even more then I already am at the moment.  Cleaned my room today, thats a plus, I cant believe its so clean right now...I really have to keep it like this from now on.  I also went out and bought a Ball Python on a whim.  Gotta get him a few more things, but I cleaned and disinfected the old tank I have and now hes all settled in.  For just eating today he is really active, but I think its just him being in a new area, and its night so hes going to be.  I named him Niko...if I can get my camera to work I'll post some pics of him later. 

I miss L so fucking much its not even funny.  Am I ever going to get over him?  Even though I really like this new guy...K.  When Im with or talking to K I dont think about L...but I do every other time...stupid songs remind me of him and just...everything.  I hate that hes everywhere and not even here.  I still hold my breath when I check my email, just hoping that I do and dont have something from him.  I have old pics on my phone of him...and a screen shot where when i had it set so i could see a preview of the text...and all he said was I love you.  So I kept it...i look at that a lot, cause i love him still so much it hurts.  That new Carrie Underwood song, Good Girl, yea the part where she says forever dont mean much.  So true.  He said forever to me, and look where I am now.  Missing him.  I hate that I dont even know if hes deploying in August or not, Im gonna be such a wreck then.  Well does me no good thinking about it now does it.

Hope your all doing great!

Sorry I havent posted.  I met a brand new guy, we went out all day yesterday, hes great, except hes not looking for a relationship.  I mean, Im not either...but I can see myself wanting one with him.  Hes like whatever happens happens you know?  Im like yea totally. But inside Im like not again.  Can I do this again?  I dont care if I cant, Im going to.  It might totally break me, but honestly, no one can hurt me more then I hurt myself.  I had a yogurt and nonfat vanilla latte today, then ruined it when I had cheese fries with my friend and half a bacon cheeseburger at Johnny Rockets.  Well Im not eating anything else tonight.  Im not even hungry, Im disgusted with myself and feel huge.  I just want to be skinny, and perfect.  And have no worries in the world.  Its never going to happen.   I dont deserve to be happy and I dont deserve him.

So I have pneumonia...

This post has pretty much nothing to do with anything except the fact that I am running on empty.  Cant stop coughing.  Again.  Gonna be another night with no sleep and I just cant do this anymore.  I'm just so so tired.  So tired.  My right side, thats where the pneumonia is, my right lung, hurts and I cant get comfortable.  Not that it matters cause I can't stop coughing anyways.  My lungs decided to hate me again and send me into an uncontrollable coughing fit where I resorted to using the inhaler I was given to see if it would help.  I'm supposed to use it twice a day, 2 puffs in the morning, 2 puffs at night.  But it helped a lot, and I'm actually not coughing at all now.  So I'm gonna end my little pity party and try to fall asleep, gotta wake up at 4 to take the cough medicine again, hopefully a third dose will get it into my system enough that it starts working...I'm just...not a happy person right now.

All the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice

Well heres the story of my life right now.  My father and my sister are locked in a bitter battle, over a stupid boy, and her wish for "freedom" (really if she didn't sneak and lie this wouldn't be an issue) and the only common ground is they both care about me...and my health.  So, I've done what I can to try and get my dad to a starting point to fix this.  My sister is currently almost messing me up.  So my next plan, is that I'm not eating until they fix it.  If she messes this up...I will go sit at the dinner table with them.  And not eat.  I won't eat on the weekends when I'm at home, lunch at work, never eat breakfast anyway.  And they can both know that it's their fault for ruining our family and driving me to this.  I think it'll work.  Honestly, I'm at my friends, my dad won't go home.  I've never seen him so defeated and it's like she doesn't even care.  She's young and being stupid, letting a boy be more important then her family. 

I think it's crazy that I've gotten to this point after everything I've been trying to do, and that I don't care, that part of me is even hoping for it, looking forward to it.  I've been so stressed and frustrated with this, I even just feel like crying half the time, just to let it all go. 

Well I'll keep you all updated, I think this blog is the only thing keeping me sane right now.

Hope you all are doing great as always!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Woke up today feeling a little sick, lots of sinus congestion and a sore throat, again, which i think was cause of my sinuses cause I feel better now.  Well I took the alka seltzer liquid gels for sinus congestion, and every time I take them I fall asleep for hours.  So I took them around 10, woke up around 5.  Got to get up early for work tomorrow and I'm not gonna be able to fall asleep.  I hate this.  Half of me wishes he would just fire me.  I hate working there, but I know I'm not gonna be able to find another job so I can't quit.  If I got fired, I could get unemployment, I don't really want to rely on it, but it would be a source of income while I look for a job.  I'm gonna look through the phone book for some ortho offices I think, check and make sure my resume looks ok...and mail it out again.

Ate too much junk when I woke up, so now I'm sick and mad at myself. I just need to get things in order.  I'm so stuck in a rut and I can't get out.  I don't even know where to begin.  I'm scared to try to get into nursing school.  I feel like I'm not smart enough to get in.  Is it even what I want to do?  I never thought this would be my life.  In grade school I always figured I would go away to college and get a good job and be happy.  Now I never really got to go away to college, don't know what I really want to do, and I'm not happy.

Bleh, I always complain about the same stuff.  I guess I have something to write about though, me and my friend, the one I'm staying with while her parents are away, we want to start looking at apartments and stuff in another state. But it all depends on her boyfriend finding a job.  She told him if it's not soon, then you know she can't just be living at home on unemployment.  Even with his job, politics, he wouldn't be home a lot, so it kinda makes sense.  So that's where we're at now; thinking of places we could move, close enough to see our families, but far enough away to be independent.  And what kind of jobs we'll take. I also have to consider going back to school there or here.  And of course what degree.  Being a big girl sucks haha.

Last post I mentioned missing L.  I just need to get over him.  He obviously doesn't want me, and I can't change that.  I started talking to this other guy, and he's really nice.  The kind of guy who treats you right, the one you always just put in the "friend zone".  My best friend decided to give a "nice"
guy a chance, the one in politics, and she's the happiest I've ever seen her.  So I really want to give him a chance, and the first step is letting L go.  So that's what I'm going to do.  I've waited long enough, and it's done nothing but cause more pain and stress in my life.  It's not going to be easy, but I can do it.

Hope all you lovlies are doing great!

Well, I slept in till about 4, so I had a bowl of rice noodle soup, a small portion of dinner, which was pasta, chicken sausage, and some vegetables all mixed together, and some chocolate covered craisens.  Oh, and half a glazed donut twist, just didnt taste good so I'm not eating the rest.  So not the best day.  Not a lot of food, but too many calories and no exercise.  I'll make up for it this weekend.  IF I eat at all it's going to be just fruit and veggies, only water and tea, no soda-even diet.  I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and being...thin, but not thin enough, my stomach just wont be flat.  That's all I want right now, a flat stomach.  Tomorrow night I'm gonna see if my friend wants to go to the gym.  I still need to join the gym around me, well I have to see if I'm getting fired first, but if I'm not then I'm joining cause they have a yoga class at night, the only gym to do that.  So I can run on the treadmill till I feel like I'll pass out and do yoga.  I don't really want to lift weights or anything, but maybe a little for my arms, I do want start going back to the shooting range for archery, and I can't pull that bow back without some muscles, my dads you have to hold back the 40 lbs and the bow holds 60 lbs.  Anyways thats not important.

 Don't really have much to say...I was sick for a while, finally feeling better and back online.  My last post, the guy I slept with, well he must have told his friend about me, the guy was supposed to be with us that night but they didn't come, so he told my friend to give me his number and I've been talking to him.  I was like you take me out with you once and I have 3 guys trying to talk to me! None of them are my type though, and I'm not really interested in any of them long term, but I think they get that.  She thinks it's hilarious though.   I'm pretty sure I mentioned taking Plan B in my last post as well...got my period, so I can relax about that as well.

I wish I had something positive to say, but I don't.  I've been miss L and it just sucks.