Im No Beauty Queen

Well...I can't say I've been good lately.  I always start the day doing really well, and then my friend calls me up, and she always wants to go out and eat.  Milkshakes and fast food and blah blah blah.  Then to eat dinner at her house as well, although her mom makes healthy foods.  Today I guess I did ok.  I had like 3 bites of fruit at lunch, stressful day at work, then my bloodsugar was low so I got a small turkey hoagie at the store on the way home.  And just a little bit of dinner.   So I'm done eating for the day, but it was still too much.  If I hadn't gotten that turkey sandwhich I wouldn't be so mad at myself. 

I need to get to the gym or a yoga class.  I'm just waiting till Friday when my check is deposited into my bank account to see how much I'll be making at work....roughly, I get done work at all sorts of times depending on when the last patient is finished.  So I'm not really sure if it's actually a 40 hour work week, but I know thats what I need...I might not actually last much longer at this office.  I hate the way it's run, and that there are 4 different dentist's that I have to work with.  I want a smaller private office where I just work with one dentist and my hours are actually set.  But I can't really leave yet.  I want to try and stay until around January but if I just last until summers over then I guess that will have to do.  I should have just listened to everyone when they told me not to go there.  I'm going to write a letter and my resume to one of the offices I was at for school asking him if he'll keep me on file should he ever be looking for another assistant.

So I had to delete all my progress photos on my camera because my parents were using it at my graduation.  So I guess it's good in a way, they weren't consistent.  So I'm just going to charge it up, upload all my photos and delete them then start over...and take one every week to see how I'm doing.  And hopefully I'll get on here everyday so I can post what I've been eating.  And once I post it at night, I'm not eating anything else for the night. No more of this ridiculous night eating.  It's so out of hand and I don't even know why, it's something new.  Ugh  I just need to write down a meal plan for the week and hang it up, not just keep it in my head cause then I can just change it and that doesn't help or work at all. 

Keep the comments coming and take care everyone!

But When I'm Alone...No One Hears Me Cry

I'm feeling really depressed and just angry at myself tonight.  I'm still under the weight that I refuse to be above but I feel like I look heavier then I was then.  Everything about me is just...big.  And I can't fix it no matter how hard I try.  I can't fix myself, and I hate myself.  I hate waiting for everyone to fall asleep just so I can cry and know that no one is going to hear me, I hate answering questions about why I'm not hungry, and did I eat dinner after work before I came home.  I can feel the control I have slipping away and I'm closer to tears everytime someone talks to me about me.  I really don't know how much longer I can do this. I hate who I see when I look in the mirror.

Ugh and today shouldn't even be bad, the office was great, everyone was nice and I'm learning where everything is.  But if it's one thing I've learned...its everything in my life can be going great, perfect even.  But I'll never even be close to being ok.

New Beginnings

Well I graduate school on Wednesday.  And Friday I was offered a job.  It's full time and I'll be making good money and still working on the boardwalk at night.  So I'll be able to put a lot of money away this summer.  I can't believe this part of my life is actually finally falling into place.  It kind of upsets me that I don't have anyone special to share it with.  That guy that I said I was going to give another chance to, well he just stopped talking to me.  So I stopped sending texts and didn't get anything.  Doesn't really surprise me though.

I'm thinking that if I put enough money away and get a car with low payments, that I might actually be able to find a place of my own this winter. I don't know if I'll be able to do it alone, but my friend will be staying home for grad school...says it makes no sense to get an apartment for classes only 2 days a week when she can just commute and save money.  But places down here are cheaper in the winter, and a small house is really just the same amount as an apartment on the islands, except those go up in the summer because of the beach.

So this job tomorrow.  I'm really nervous, only because it's going to be my frist time in an office not as a student but as an employee, but I know they won't just throw me in on my first day.  Me and a friend from school both applied but only I got the job, she did get a job at another office though.  I still wish it could have been both of us, that would have made it less nervewracking.

I'm gonna end this here because I want it to be a relatively happy post because of the job.  Hope your all doing well, and I'll try to post more and stay updated on whats going on!

Run don't walk the sky is Falling

So I started my morning with a bagel....it was only 110 calories!  I bought those new bagel thins.  Unfortunately I had to use regualr butter...I'm gonna buy some low cal foods when I'm watching my aunts house this week.  And V8 Splash for only 50 calories a cup....gatorade 2...hmm I'm not sure what else I should get...I probably won't be eating much anyways since I won't have anyone there asking me why I'm not eating.

My test is in a week! I'm so beyond nervous, I have to work all week and will only be able to study after work, but then again I will have the house to myself except for my friend and she can help me study by going over flashcards.  I also sent my resume to another office tonight, I really hope I hear from them, I'm really starting to get discouraged with this job search.  The one office I really liked never said anything back.  I'm gonna go out Tuesday as well and just drop off my resume to a few places.

I hope my aunt has a scale at her house...this would be the perfect week to start trying to reach my goal by graduation or even better I could go past my goal.  What worries me is stress.  Stress makes the body produce cortisol which promotes stomach fat, and I really don't want that at all.  I'm always stressed.  It sucks.  A lot.

I guess thats all I have to say tonight.

Happy Day

So it's really only a happy day because this is the first post on my new laptop.  Still have to go get my blood work done.  The weekend I went to the doctor I got really sick and had a fever all weekend, couldn't really walk cause i was just feeling blah and in pain but I'm glad it was only two days.  Sadly I had to gain a few pounds to go see my doctor so now I have to lose it again before my pinning and graduation ceremony.  Hopefully it won't be too difficult...

Anyways that guy is gonna be home again for Memorial Day weekend and I'll be watching my aunts house so I won't have to worry about being home late or answering any questions too see him.  Except my two friends will be staying with me maybe.  The one knows about him and she wants to stay for sure, the other doesn't  and she may or may not be able to stay, or even come down now because of some family issues.  I'm even more nervous now because it didn't happen the first time.  I actaully asked him what he was looking for with us because my ex has me all messed up.  He was like I want to get know you more and work towards a great relationship.  I'm not used to such nice guys, it's actually a refreshing change.  Sometimes I just don't know how to answer though cause I'm used to dating such assholes and he's not.

So as of i guess almost 2 weeks ago, the doctor's scale said I was 116...I guess my home scale isn't working so I don't know what I really weigh now.  I really want to buy a digital scale for my room.  But anyways, I'm gonna start walking after dinner again every night and work up to running.  My friend is in Indiana for the next week and a half but when she gets back we're gonna work out a gym schedule, and I have a few work outs I can do at home for when I can't make it to the gym and for when she's away.  I'm also going food shopping for my own stuff since I'll be back at work this weekend hopefully full time soon, and then part time if I find my dental job.  I really hope I do, I need the money.

I guess thats it....I'm pretty boring this week, hopefully I'll have some stories from later this weekend be them good or bad. 

Should I even bother?

Ok so I had a post before this but deleted it because it was way too depressing. So. That guy. I texted him. He said he thought I forgot about him and I guess he didn't get any of my other texts that I sent him. But do I really want to go down this road? He did apologize for not texting me either. I'm not even gonna worry about it right now. I have way more important things then a nonexistent relationship. Whatever happens happens. Could be something works out with him, could be I fall for someone else.

I have to go to the doctor on thursday about me passing out. What am I supposed to say, oh sorry, I don't really take good care of myself you know? I'm just feeling weak and tired lately. Stressed and not hungry, forcing myself to eat normally in front of certain people. I did manage to get to a size 2 at American Eagle though! I'm pretty proud about that. What I'm most worried about thursday isn't her saying anything about my weight, it's the blood work coming back saying I'm diabetic, its on my dads side of the family...but my grandma doesn't have it, her sisters do. But most people think it's my bloodsugar dropping. I dont know what my levels are or if it's ever been too high. Could be, I tend to ignore all medical symptoms...

Well, I'm gonna go to bed I think...just exhausted...physically and mentally.

You blew your chance to rock my night away

So here I am Sunday, and my date isn't happening. I didnt think it would after he never answered my text and then never texted me at all, since Monday. Don't get what happened at all...well he probably met someone better. I don't care. Not the first time it hasn't worked out with someone I'll find someone else.

Since it's mothers day, me and my momma are going for a walk on the boardwalk. It was supposed to rain today but it's so nice out. It's a nice change, it's been crappy out lately. Unfortunatly I STILL have this bruise on my leg, so I'm not looking forward to wearing shorts. And I need to tone up my thighs. My arms look nice from carrying my nephew all the time lol. I just need to go to the gym, but, confession time...never been to one! Lol I'm too self conscious to go by myself and I really dont know what to do.

Today food wise will probably be on the higher end of my calorie limit but still a good day. I'm just having fish for dinner and had two, well im not sure what they're called. Fried eggs in the center a piece of bread. Too much butter but I can deal. I didn't have my cappuccino at work today. So I'll only be eating twice today. I'm thinking of going on a semi liquid fast. Like breakfast and lunch, i can't get away with it at dinner. But for most of the day, it should be ok right?